“Why the hell was Rolf Harris outside the hospital?” Jess and Toby asked in unison.
“My bad. It was the vet centre,” Hannah commented, screeching around a corner and through a red light.
“Have you ever driven before?” Heath asked, exasperated, holding his fingers on Natalie's punctured neck whilst Tyke gnawed at her fingers and swallowed a ring.
“Hell, yes!” said Hannah. “Can't you tell?!”
“Well, actually, the last time she drove was literally two days ago, when she ran over two Australian beach patrollers.” Jess looked at the remote for the date.
Heath gulped. “Oh, sweet Jesus.”
“This looks about right.” Hannah stopped the car. Everyone was thrown forward.
“So now what?” asked Jess.
“We wait until we arrive,” Hannah said.
Jess gave up trying to work out the mysteries of time and looked out of the window. Suddenly she saw three figures walking up the road. “It's you, Hans!” she exclaimed, pointing. “And Jimmy and Josh!”
“Who's Jimmy?” asked Toby.
“SILENCE!” Hannah shouted at him. She looked at the figures making their way towards them. She saw Josh trip over and lie in the road in defeat. Then a car came roaring down the road from the other direction. It was Daniel. “Someone do something!” Hannah exclaimed. “This is when he gets run over!”
Jess opened the car door and ran into the road, rugby-tackling Josh onto the grass verge at the other side. The three people in the van who were actually alive and weren't spurting blood watched in horror.
“Get off my man!” Hannah screamed, running over and attacking Jess.
“Hannah?” Josh peered at Hannah and then at the past Hannah standing on the other side of the road watching Daniel take his rucksack out of the 4x4.
“Hannah! Get back here!” shouted Jess from the floor as she watched her friend walk across the road towards Daniel. “Oh, GOD!”

When Hannah opened her eyes she found she wasn't lavishing Daniel with hugs and kisses; it was Toby she had her arms around.
“ARRGH!” she backed away and found that she, Toby, Jess, Heath, Josh, Tyke and Ian were all crammed into the silver time travelling sphere. They were back at S.S.S.S headquarters.
Hannah pushed open the door of the sphere and they all tumbled out onto the floor.
“Baby… what do you think you're doing?” Austin exclaimed. “You were meant to diffuse the bombs in Oxford, and instead you've—“ he paused and looked at Ian, Josh, Toby, Heath and Tyke. “Who are these people?”
“Those three are Hannah's fancy-men. Oh… and that dog.” Jess pointed.
“Right, baby… but don't you think three is a few too many?”
Hannah shook her head and expanded on that no more.
“Groovy, baby!” Austin concluded.
There came a spluttering from the sphere and Natalie Imbruglia came crawling down the access ramp, leaving a small trail of blood.
“Get her fixed up and let's get you guys back to when Bin Laden was born… but there's a problem, babies: you only have one attempt at killing him, otherwise we will mess up time forever because he has had the greatest, most shagadelic effect on mankind.” Jess nodded slowly.
“So, where do we go back to?”
“The hospital where he was born. You have to kill him straight away.”
“But, Austin, why aren't you doing this yourself?” Hannah looked up from the floor, where she was sitting with Tyke on her lap.
“And get blood on my crushed velvet suit?” Austin laughed and pointed the remote at them.

The sound of babies crying filled the air as the room formed around the time travellers. Jess looked down at herself. She was wearing a green doctors' smock and had a stethoscope around her neck, as did the others (except Tyke).
“HELP,” declared Hannah. “I have no idea what we're doing.”
Jess saw a board on the wall with cubicle numbers written on it. Next to number four was the name 'Bin Laden'.
“Oh, lord. This is it,” said Toby.
“I don't think I could kill a baby,” said Jess.
“Me neither,” said Ian.
“You wuss! You're in the army!” Hannah exclaimed.
“That's a character, Hannah; I'm an actor!” Ian replied.
“Well, you could at least pretend that you're acting!” The rest of them stared at her like she was insane. “Fine, then! I'll do it… I have to drive the car, and prevent myself from killing Natalie Imbruglia, so why not kill Osama Bin Laden?!” Hannah disappeared off into the fourth cubicle.
After a few moments Toby said, “Do you think she's done yet?”
Hope she gets it right… otherwise the world will be messed up forever,” commented Jess.
“Give her a few more minutes… just to make sure,” said Heath.
“Who is this guy?” Ian asked, looking as confused as Tyke, who was hungry yet again.
“Doesn't matter. Let's try now…” Jess walked over and pulled back the curtain.
Hannah was cradling the baby in her arms. “It's so… cute!” she exclaimed.
“Cute? CUTE?” Jess asked, exasperated. “That's Osama Bin Laden!”
“But… look…” Hannah turned so they could see the baby's tiny fingers wrapped around her index finger.
“Hannah! Can't you see what he's trying to do? He's tricking you… putting you under his spell!” Toby exclaimed.
“I can't do it,” Hannah concluded.
“Oh, fabulous,” Jess said, banging her head against the wall.
“Let's take him back to S.S.S.S HQ, then,” Hannah suggested.

“Back already, baby?” Austin exclaimed, opening a bottle of champagne.
“Yeah – with luggage,” concluded Heath, pointing at the bundle of Laden in Hannah's arms.
“Well, well, then, Mr Bin Laden… I believe we have some things to discuss,” Austin said.
“I don't quite think he's in the negotiating mood,” commented Hannah.
“We'll see about that!” Austin cackled and pointed a purple checked laser gun at the swaddle.
“ZZZAP!”
There was a puff of smoke and when it cleared everyone saw a large man in Hannah's arms, dressed only in a loincloth.
“ARRGH!” screamed Hannah, dropping the semi-naked Osama Bin Laden and running into Josh's arms. “Save me! Save me!”

“Well,” said Hannah, kicking at a priceless spy camera imbedded in the wall. “Now what?” The time travellers had been sent off to a room whilst Austin interrogated Bin Laden.
“We wait,” Jess said. “I'm sick of you getting me into trouble. It's like school all over again.”
Suddenly the door flew open. Austin came in. “Babies – you've done well! Despite your little detour on the way,” he indicated to Ian, Toby, Tyke, Josh and Heath. “We here at the S.S.S.S want to give you this.” He handed Hannah a cheque. She read it and gasped.
“What does it say?” Jess whined, trying to peer over the crowd around Hannah. Finally she got a clear view. “1,000,000,000 pounds!”
“No, actually,” Austin corrected. “One billion… well, one billion whatever you want your new currency to be called.”
“A NEW CURRENCY!” Jess screamed in excitement.
“That means I get to run the economy! My shares will rocket!” Hannah jumped up and down.
“There's no bloody way you're running the economy!” laughed Jess in disbelief.
“You can discuss this later, babies,” Austin interrupted. “But, basically, we at the S.S.S.S are very thankful that you babies sorted out the world, and saved me from ruining my suit, so we're going to give you your own island!” Austin paused to look at the Jess and Hannah's astonished faces and added, “Groovy, baby!”

Hannah was flicking through a glossy leaflet.
“What are you looking at?” asked Toby, leaning over.
They were all sitting in Jess and Hannah's little sitting room at the S.S.S.S, trying to decide what to do with all their money.
“Ooh… I like this one,” Hannah sighed, pointing at a picture.
“What are you looking at?” Jess asked. “Holidays?”
“Nope.”
“Cars?” asked Ian.
“Er… no.”
“Swimming pools?” Toby suggested.
“No,” Hannah said again. She held up the brochure.
“Oh,” said Jess. “Islands.”
“Uh-huh,” agreed Hannah. “The terms are that we can choose one island out of this mag and then move to it with our one billion… whatever, and do anything.”
“Can we build a comedy theatre?”
“Can we have a really big skate park?” Tony piped up.
“Can I go home?” asked Heath.
Tyke barked and attacked his leg.
“Precisely, Tyke. I agree totally.” Hannah said to the terrier.
“You two understand each other better than him and his owner,” Jess observed.
“Good, isn't it?” Hannah looked up from the 'Best Islands' magazine and grinned.
“More like you're on the same wavelength,” Jess said.
Hannah ignored the mumble from Jess and pointed at the glossy pages in her lap.
“They all look the same; sand, palm trees, etc…” Jess said.
“OK… THIS one,” Hannah said, closing her eyes and randomly placing a finger on an island.
“It looks like all the others.”
“So?” Hannah shrugged. “I'll go tell Austin we're ready to go!” she scurried off.
“This is madness,” said Josh. “I want to go home.”
“Me too,” said Heath.
Toby was about to say the same thing, but he thought better of it when he imagined what Hannah could do to him.
Tyke was chasing after a small ball of paper which he had ripped out of a top secret S.S.S.S file.
“What exactly are you going to do with your island?” Toby asked Jess, quietly.
“Lord knows,” Jess sighed.
“Well, can I have a small sector, maybe… since I did kinda help you save Oxford,” Toby asked bravely, summoning up the courage.
Unfortunately for Toby, Jess was off in a dream about 'Dad's Army' and Ian Lavender… little did anyone know that she was plotting a devious plan involving Ian and a Nazi suit…

<< back to Book 2.2

� Jess and Hannah 2002