"Where are we now?" Hannah asked nobody in particular.
"Ask Mr Know-It-All," shouted Steve, severely p*ssed off from being taken away from Hong Kong without exploration.
"$*&!?#!" muttered Daniel.
"SHUT UP, STEVE!" shouted Patrick.
"Oooh!" said Steve. "Playing Mr-Tough-Guy now are we? Think that picking on me is going to bring back your shop?"
Patrick went purple. "It..." he murmured through clenched teeth. "...was..." He breathed steadily. "A Post Office!" Patrick couldn't control his hate of Steve for much longer. With one fell swoop between dragons, he pushed Steve, who was completely unexpecting this. Steve fell off the dragon and disappeared through the clouds beneath them.
"Oh, B*LL*CKS." Hannah said, closing her eyes. She turned around to see Jess gazing down at the ground. "I suppose you want us to go get him, now, do you?" she asked, with a sigh.
"Nah." Jess said, shaking her head. "Let him hit the floor. He's made his contribution to British comedy."
The others all looked at each other in surprise.
"Right," said Hannah.
There was a silence.
Patrick, worried his murderous act towards Steve may have upset Jess, leant forward and whispered in her ear, "What are you thinking about?"
There was a silence before Jess whispered back, "Ian Lavender dressed as a Nazi."
This ended any chance of a conversation.

"Do you think these dragons will run out of fuel?" Cartman asked Hannah.
"You're not just fat..." Commented Daniel, who was at the front of the dragon.
It took a while for Cartman to work out what Daniel was implying, but finally. "I'M NOT FAT! I'M..."
"Yeah, yeah," said Jess. "Funny on screen, tedious off."
Cartman sat between Daniel and Hannah and pouted.
"Am I tedious off-screen?" Patrick asked Jess.
"Um..." Jess tried to think of something intelligent and witty to say but for once she was flummoxed.
"Shall we go back down? We've been flying for one hour and considering we managed to get from Australia to Japan in two, we shouldn't go on much longer." By the time Patrick had finished speaking to inform and persuade, the dragons were only five foot from the ground. "Oh," he added.
"Where do you reckon we are?" Hannah asked, looking at the ground they were flying past.
"No idea," said Jess. "But there are several cowboys round here."
A tumbleweed rolled past.
Hannah shuddered.
"You alright?" asked Daniel.
"Yeah. Just deja-vu," said Hannah, glancing around anxiously just incase Ben Affleck turned up.
"I think we're in Texas!" said Jess.
"Texas?! What makes you say that?" Hannah asked.
The dragons flew past a signpost saying 'TEXAS'.
"Oh."

The dragons plonked their passengers down in the middle of no-where. Plumes of dust wafted up wherever they stepped.
"Wiggy-wiggy wah-wah, wiggy wiggy wild wild west," declared Jess, dancing maniacally around the dragons.
"Great. We're in the middle of the wild west," Hannah groaned.
"Wiggy wiggy," Jess added.
"It's dark," observed Ben.
"Well done, Einstein," Chris muttered, punching his arm.
"Where do we sleep, then?" asked Daniel, looking around. There was pure nothing for miles.

Ben and Chris had built a fire and the dragons were tethered to a nearby cactus. The seven travellers slept throughout the entire night despite a sandstorm and a stray tumbling weed. Ben was the first to wake, who then woke Chris, who woke Daniel. Hannah automatically woke up for fear of missing something interesting from Silverchair. Hannah then woke Jess when she realised that Silverchair were doing nothing of any interest, and Jess woke Patrick. No-one bothered to wake Cartman.
"Oh my God!" cried Jess, "Where did the dragons go?!"
They all looked over where the dragons had been and saw only a pile of ash where the cactus had once been.
"B*gger," said Ben. "There flew my hopes of getting to see England."
"I hope they're OK," Daniel worried, being a keen animal liberationist and vegan.
"Come on," said Hannah. "I can see a town in the distance... maybe we could catch a taxi from there to the airport."
"Got any money for a taxi?" Jess asked Hannah.
"No," Ben answered. "But I play a mean hand of poker with Chris... I could win us a plane ticket." He grinned.
"Aww, sweet Jesus," moaned Cartman as he woke and stretched. "Did I miss anything?" He looked up and saw everyone walking off into the distance. "Dammit!" he huffed, jumping up and running after them.
"I sure hope they have a saloon," thought Chris out loud.

The town looked exactly like all the old western films. It did indeed have a saloon bar, complete with the swinging doors and veranda. The travellers were exhausted from the walk and the saloon was to be their first stop. Ben pushed open the doors. Hannah, Cartman, Daniel, Chris and Patrick all walked through... and the doors swung back and hit Jess in the face.

Inside the bar the stereotypical plinky piano playing resounded in the background as everyone walked in. Everything looked brown; even the people. Chris strode up to the bar where a man was slumped, chewing incessantly on... something.
"Excuse me, my good man," Chris started.
The man didn't move.
"Could we have seven ice cold cokes, please."
"Diet, for me," Jess reminded him.
"Oh, OK, make that six cokes and one diet coke."
"We only do warm beer," the man drawled.
"Oh. Um... warm beers all round then." Chris looked around and spotted a small crowded table in the corner. Not much chat was coming from the area, he grabbed Ben's arm and led him over. They were enveloped into the game quickly.
"You OK?" Jess saw Patrick eyeing the table anxiously and hopping from foot to foot.
"Yeah," he said looking back at the table. "Do me a favour and tie me to the bar."
Jess remembered suddenly about Patrick's past gambling problems. "Oh," she said understandingly.

Two hours later, Cartman was blind drunk and propped up on a bar stool in front of the counter.
"You know," he drawled, rocking slightly on his seat. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met."
The saloon bloodhound looked surprised to say the least. They hardly knew each other!
"How's it going?" asked Hannah, walking over to Ben and Chris.
"Great! We're winning," said Ben. "We're gonna get enough cash for us all to get out of here."
"What are you betting with? We have no money."
"Cartman's soul."
Hannah snorted. "That can't be worth much."
Jess looked over at them. "I hope they win some money. This place is really unfriendly."
"Hmm..." said Patrick, staring intently at the bar. His wrist was tied with rope to the beer plunger. He was struggling against the urge of gambling because every time he moved, beer poured out and there was already a growing puddle on the floor.
"I think we should get out of here!" said Hannah, making Patrick jump so much that beer gushed out and knocked over the bartender.
"What's wrong with Daniel?" Jess asked, seeing him sitting on his own in the corner with his knees tucked up under his chin, rocking backwards and forwards, and looking rather white.
"Well, we kinda came across a shrine to Silverchair..." Hannah started, "...and ever since then he's been a bit quiet."
"HA HA!" Came a call from the crowded table. Ben and Chris stood up and ran over to Jess, Patrick and Hannah (Cartman by this time had fallen off his stool and was in a drunken slumber). "WE WON!" they screamed hugging everyone in sight.
All the residents of the town started to glare at them.
"Maybe we should go now..." said Jess slowly.
They slowly picked up their stuff and Cartman and walked out of the saloon. The doors swung shut behind the as Daniel walked out last.
"How are we going to get to the nearest airport?" Hannah asked the question that everyone was thinking.
"I don't know..." mused Ben, clutching his money tightly.
Hannah gazed around the dusty town. There weren't any airports or taxis in the western movies. Maybe there wouldn't be any here either.
"Hey look," said Jess, pointing over to a veranda where a rather decrepit old horse and cart was tethered. An equally decrepit old man sat on a chair on the veranda, gormlessly chewing on his tobacco. The travellers walked towards him.
"Excuse me?" Chris started as they reached the veranda.
The man turned to face them and spat out his tobacco at lightening speed. It narrowly missed Cartman's motionless body on the floor, bounced off Daniel's shoe and hit a watering can over the other side of the road. "Whatta you want?" the man mumbled, tipping his hat down over his face.
"Um..." Hannah faltered, intimidated by this man. "We'd like to borrow your horse and cart."
"Well, you'd better bring it back," he drawled.
"Uh... yeah," said Ben coyly.
"Hang on..." started Jess. "How are we gonna bring it back from the airport?"
"We'll manage," said Ben, finishing the conversation.
"No we won't!" cried Hannah.
Ben winked at them. "Yes we will."
"No we won't!" repeated Hannah.
Ben winked on every word. "Yes... we... will!"
"Oh yeah," said Hannah, realising that Ben couldn't have that bad eye trouble.
"Right, I'll expect Holly and Suzy 'ere back by night-fall."
Daniel and Chris exchanged looks of laughter.
"Let's go," said Jess.
"Hang on," said Patrick, "which way is the airport?"
The old man looked extremely confused. "The what?"
"The air... port..." Patrick said slowly.
"Come on Patrick," said Jess, already sitting up on the cart with everyone including Cartman, who was still in a drunken slumber and hic-cupping every now and again.
"Oh, forget it," muttered Patrick, hoisting himself up onto the old wooden cart.
"Let's roll," said Hannah.

<< back to Book 1.4

� Jess and Hannah 2001