The hotel was huge and smelt of fresh flowers. Jess, Patrick, Josh, Jimmy, Cartman, Superturtle and Hannah who had joined them after a stern talking to from Patrick, walked into reception and looked around in awe.
"It's... big!" Jess sniffed, before bursting into tears. It was all a bit much for her.
Patrick went to the reception desk. "Hello, do you have a Mr Coogan staying with you at the moment?" he asked the receptionist.
She looked at her books "Yes, we do."
"Great, could you ring up and tell him a Mr Marber is here to see him, please?"
The receptionist nodded and picked up her phone. She dialled, talked quietly for a moment, then hung up.
Hannah tapped her fingers on the desk impatiently.
"He says go right up," she said with a smile.
Jess was almost foaming at the mouth.
Everyone made a move towards the lifts following Patrick but Hannah grabbed hold of his shirt until he stopped.
"Look, Patrick, you and I have had some disagreements in the past... like the shed incident previously... but I seriously don't think it's a good idea to take Jess to Steve Coogan."
"Ah... well, she'll be OK," said Patrick, dislodging his arm from her grip and walking off.
Hannah grabbed him again. "No she won't... she's emotionally unstable... she'll cry until she's dehydrated her whole damn body."
"She'll get over it," he dismissed.
"No she damn well won't! There is a certain line which women like to keep the right side of when meeting men."
"What are you on about?!"
"Looking good! And she has bright red eyes...so we are NOT meeting Steve Coogan today!" And with that, Hannah marched Jess out of the hotel. Well, when I say marched I really mean 'dragged'.

Jess, exhausted from crying all day at everything she saw, was slumped in the corner of the shed.
"Why didn't you let me go to see him?" she asked Hannah weakly.
"Well, Jess, how do I put it? You looked like sh*t. You wouldn't want to have met Steve looking like sh*t, now would you?"
Jess shook her head miserably.
"There we go then." Hannah marched off giving Patrick a smug look on the way.
"Someone give me a cuddle." Jess begged miserably.
"P*ss off." Hannah replied.
Jimmy walked over to Jess and gave her a short but appreciated hug.
Everyone sat in the shed, completely knackered.
Hannah, who had walked over to the corner of the shed where all their belongings were, was rumaging through a carrier bag violently. Everyone watched her for entertainment since there was nothing else to do. She found what she was looking for and got up and walked over to Patrick. She snatched the bottle of water he was holding out of his hand and stood in the middle of the shed and started knocking back pills.
"Oh my God!" Jimmy squealed, leaping up and snatching the pills from her.
"She's trying to kill herself..." Jess promptly burst into tears again.
"No, I'm not trying to kill myself," Hannah spat, snatching the bottle back from Jimmy. "I have cramp like you wouldn't believe." She knocked back some more pills. "Oh, for Christ's sake shut up!" she shouted at Jess, who was still blubbering away in the corner. Jess fell silent and wiped her nose on her sleeve.
Superturtle rolled idly across the floor and back again. Then, with tremendous effort he gave a powerful push and rolled back in the other direction - out the door, into the road and...

SPLAT!

Jess started crying again.

"Is he gonna be ok?"
"I should think so...only a minor shell fracture," the kind vet said.
"Thank you," said Patrick, picking up Superturtle who had a bandage wrapped around his middle.
"Oh, hang on... you guys haven't paid," the vet said.
"Paid?" whimpered Jess.
"No problem," said Patrick, looking over at Josh.
He smiled nervously. "...Actually Patrick, there is a slight problem... I meant to tell you in McDonalds. The card has kinda run out."
"Oh sh*t!" Patrick erupted.
Jess howled.
"Ahem, sorry." He blushed.
"Right, you're going on Animal Hospital - 'Down Under With Rolf'," the vet said, walking away. "Come back tomorrow and don't forget your turtle," he shouted.
Jess broke down completely.

The motley crew stood in a queue clutching Superturtle.
"I don't believe you got us into this," Patrick hissed at Josh.
"Don't blame me, blame that s*dding turtle rolling into the road," Josh replied.
"Well if Hannah hadn't picked him up on the beach then he wouldn't have been there to roll into the road," Cartman muttered.
"Well if Jess hadn't been sexually attractive to the turtles I would never have found Superturtle, wouldn't have brought him here and he wouldn't have rolled into the road!" Hannah shouted.
"WELL," said Jess, damply angry, "if you hadn't made me come to sodding Australia..." She took a deep breath. "The plane wouldn't have crashed, the turtle wouldn't have raped me, you wouldn't have picked up that bl**dy turtle, he wouldn't have rolled into the road and we wouldn't be here now!" She collapsed from lack of oxygen.
"Oh, I see!" said Hannah sarcastically, "So it's all my fault is it?!"
Jess nodded.
"NO, IT BL**DY WELL ISN'T!!" Hannah screamed. "If you hadn't agreed to come with me, I'd never have gone. You only agreed to come because Steve Coogan turns you on, so it's all his fault and also yours for being so damn weak!"
"He does NOT 'turn me on'!" Jess shouted exasperated. "How dare you!" she added, scowling so much her eyebrows were around her knees.
A dog with an ear infection nearby keeled over - all a bit loud for him.
"For God's sake, it's nobody's fault!" Jimmy shouted, silencing everyone. "Now stop it, all of you. You're acting like children."
They all hung their heads.
"We'll go back to the shed and talk about this like adults."
They all turned to leave.
"What about Rolf?" a vet shouted after them.
"Tell Rolf he can shove himself up his own fudge tunnels," Jimmy concluded.

"We're now being chased by Rolf Harris and his vets, the government and a car full of Hollywood's most famoust," Hannah summarised. "Fun, fun, fun," she concluded. Jess had been sniffing a lot up until Hannah suddenly erupted, "STOP BL**DY SNIFFING!"
She kept quiet and didn't sniff for a while. Then she made a little squeak and ran out of the shed.
"Your idea about not visiting Steve was terrible, frankly," commented Patrick.
"Why, a**ehole?" Hannah blurted.
"Because he is only staying two nights here in Newcastle because of the tour," Patrick said smugly.
"You really p*ss me off, Patrick, and I'm not just saying this because of the hormones, I'm saying it because the hormones have given me the guts to say it. You're an annoying--"
Jess at this minute burst back into the shed to find Hannah pointing directly at Patrick. She howled and broke down for the 62nd time today.
"Aww, Jess! Sweetheart!" said Patrick, walking over to hug her. He cradled her in his arms and said, "Don't let that evil girl upset you."
"And I conclude, he's an absolute a**hole." Hannah glared at Patrick who smiled sweetly in return. "I'm going to bed."
"Floor, you mean. There is no bed," Patrick corrected her.
"Fine, smarta**," said Hannah, curling up on the floor.

<< back to Book 1.3

� Jess and Hannah 2001