"So," Jess said to Hannah, as they walked down the high street, "where do Silverchair live?"
"Somewhere around here," Hannah said, gazing around.
"And where would a performer appearing here tomorrow be staying tonight?"
"Hmm…there's a nice hotel over there somewhere;" said Hannah waving her arm vaguely. "I guess they might be there."
"Steve Coogan?" asked Jess excitedly.
"NO! I meant Silverchair." Hannah said dreamily.
Jess sighed. "I'm never going to find him." She turned to Patrick. "Don't you have his mobile number?"
"Left my address book in the Post Office," he said apologetically. "Oh…my Post Office…" He remembered it had been destroyed. A sad look quickly spread across his face and he gazed into the distance.
Jess looked down at the floor and sighed. She definitely never would find Steve Coogan.
Jimmy put a hand on her shoulder making her jump. "I know where we can find him."
"Really?!" said Jess, her heart leaping so high it got jammed between her ribs.
"Yeah…there's a great hotel in town and I know the owner. It's the only place that famous people or people that have enough money stay at."
Jess's face brightened.
"There isn't exactly a great choice of hotels in Newcastle – it's more a young peoples' place because of the surfing. It's basically an industrial town…as you may spotted with all of the factories."
"How come you know this place so well?" Jess enquired, pleased because someone had a clue what they were doing, even if it was Jimmy.
"I grew up here near my cousin."
"Chris," said Hannah, waking from her daydream and getting interested in the conversation.
"Yeah, Chris," said Jimmy, sounding tired and reflective.
"Where is he?" Hannah asked calmly.
"Well, Chris actually moved out of Newcastle and further south down the coast several months ago. But Daniel and Ben still live in Newcastle, just not with their parents at home. They live in a surfing suburb called Merewether."
Hannah and Jess smiled at each other.
"I know pretty much which street they're on but I've forgotten what houses."
"Doesn't matter, we'll work it out," said Jess. "Just as soon as I find Steve."
"No way, Silverchair first," argued Hannah determinedly.
"No...Coo-gan...not Silverchair."
"Um...Jess...you seem to be missing the point - we're going to see Silverchair first."
"No, Hannah, we're NOT!"
"We ARE!"
"No we're NOT!"
"ARE!"
"NOT!"
"NOT!"
"ARE..." Jess realised she'd been tricked. "Sh*t!"
"There we are, then." Hannah said smugly. "Are."
"Well I'm going to find Steve; alone, if I have to!"
"Fine!" shouted back Hannah.
They marched off in different directions leadving Patrick, Josh, Cartman and Superturtle alone in the middle of the road.
"Would it be bad of me to say that I can't really be bothered with this?" Josh asked to no-one in particular, tentitively.
"Nah," Jimmy said dissmissively. "So what's it going to be Patrick, mate?" Jimmy asked.
"Not sure... but since we pretty much know where Steve Coogan is bound to be compared to Silverchair who are scattered everywhere..." he trailed off.
"Yeah," agreed Josh.
"Yeah," agreed Jimmy.
"OK...so who's going to do the honours?"
"Him," Jimmy said, pointing at Josh.
"Do I have to? She's going to be really angry, violent and upset about it," Josh groaned.
"Oh... so Jess told you," Patrick said.
"Told me what?" said Josh confused.
"About Hannah...tomorrow."
"What?" Josh was highly confused, so was Jimmy for that matter.
"Oh...perhaps she didn't then," said Patrick, wishing he hadn't said anything.
"What?" Jimmy and Josh asked in unison.
"Well... err..." Patrick blushed a shade of crimson. "...I guess I should warn you about it... but Hannah's time of the month starts tomorrow, and you know what that means..."
Jimmy and Josh looked at each other. "Eew!" they both exclaimed in unison.
"You two talk about stuff like that?" Jimmy asked in disgust.
"Yes..."
"Jesus; I reckon you and Jess should just cut to the chase and get married." Josh said in awe.
Patrick rolled his eyes and marched down the road after Jess.
Cartman, Jimmy, Superturtle and Josh went the other direcion after Hannah.

Eventually everyone got back to the shed and settled down to rest by 11pm. Jess and Hannah were on opposite sides of the room that was the entire shed. Josh hadn't yet mentioned the plan for the next day... which happened to be Friday, but that is just useless information... as is the fact that it is the month of December and therefore is peak summer in Newcastle. Little did the five humans, one cartoon character and one Superturtle know that the weekend was going to be a scorcher. The hottest weekend for several hundred years, but that's just more useless information... let's move on.

"The map says the hotel is just down the road," said Jess, pawing over the map.
"OK...but are you sure it's that road?" Patrick asked, turning the map over.
"Ooh...right, so it's just up the road."
"Yes."
They nodded and started walking resolutely.
"How long has it been since you've seen Steve, anyway?"
"I don't know...a couple of years maybe."
"What?! I thought you two were best friends!"
"Well we are...but I lived on an island off the coast of Australia and he lived in London."
"I thought you said that he lives here?" said Josh generally confused with everyone and everything.
"No stupid, he's here on tour...have you actually been dead for the whole time we've known you or is there just nothing up here?!" snapped Hannah, knocking on Josh's head.
Josh kept quiet from then on.
Patrick cleared his throat. "Cartman, you might want to carry Superturtle, because Hannah wants us to walk faster and it's better to do as she says."
Everyone looked at Hannah striding 10 metres down the road.
"I've been carrying this god-damn hippy for the whole journey since she tried to kick him in the balls." Cartman nodded forward at Hannah.
"'Hannah'," said Patrick, "Not 'she'... Hannah."
"WHAT?!" screamed Hannah turning round.
"Nothing."
Everyone averted her stare.
"I just had a horrid thought..." Jess started, looking worried.
"Oh, God, what?" asked Jimmy impatiently.
"Hannah and I...our hormones are usually...in sync."
"Oh, you WHAT?!" Josh erupted. "Tell me you're not going to be as grumpy as her!" He pointed to Hannah who scowled at him and gnashed her teeth.
"No, I don't get like that..." Jess started. The men all breathed a sigh of relief. "I... I just get... really emotional!" Jess burst into tears.
"Oh, God..." Cartman sighed, throwing Superturtle down onto the floor in a temper.
"We're lost! I never concentrated in my Geography lessons!" Jess wailed.
"Oh, shut up, you silly cow!" snapped Hannah. "I did concentrate, so we're not going to get lost."
"Hey," said Josh to no-one in particular, "they kinda cancel each other out."
"Yeah," agreed Patrick. "If you listen to both of them at once it doesn't give you a headache because they sound normal together."
Both Jess and Hannah looked around.
"SHUT UP!" screamed Hannah whilst Jess burst into tears.
"They hate me! I haven't got any friends... I'm a failure!" she sobbed.
Hannah slapped her.
"Give me a cuddle!" Jess wept, holding out her arms towards Hannah.
"P*ss off!"
Jess turned to run away but ran straight into a tree.
"Well at least that shut her up," said Hannah, looking down at the unconcious form of Jess on the ground.
"Dear me," said Patrick. "Is she like this every month?"
"Pretty much," said Hannah, "we usually just lock her in a padded room and leave her to it."
"Well, where is this sodding hotel?" asked Josh, sounding as p*ssed off as Hannah.
"Not far," said Jimmy, pointing down the nearest road.
"We can't take Jess like this," Patrick considered. Hannah took a water bottle from her bag, undid the lid, and threw cold mountain spring mineral water (with extra vitamin ions) all over Jess's head.
"BLARGHHH!" Jess said.
"Yeah, hi...you ran into a tree...remember?" Hannah said unentusiastically.
"Do you want to meet Steve today?" Patrick asked peering over at Jess on the floor.
She bust into tears.
"I'll take that as a 'No... I'm too mentally unstable, thanks, Patrick'," Patrick said to himself.
"At least I don't get like that," Hannah said, looking at Jess curled up and whimpering on the floor, "BOO!" she said, sticking her face into Jess's face and cackling evilly.
Jess went into a fit of crying hysterically.
"I think you should go back to the shed... now." Patrick said, pointing back to where they had come from.
"No!" Hannah said stubbornly.
"Come on, go now," Patrick added sternly.
"It's not fair!" cried Hannah, "You always take her side," she added, stomping back up the road.

<< back to Book 1.3

� Jess and Hannah 2001