Jess, Cartman, Hannah and Jimmy lay panting on the beach 20 minutes later.
"This is like that film with Leonardo Di Caprio in it... what's it called again?" Jess murmured.
"The Beach." Hannah answered.
Cartman giggled and Jimmy coughed.
"I can't believe you're Chris' cousin!" Hannah continued. "Now you say, you do look like him...a bit."
Everyone groaned including Jimmy.
"Does she ever shut up about Silverchair?" Jimmy got up and looked at Jess.
"Afraid not," concluded Jess.
"I'm going for a walk," said Jimmy. He padded across the sand barefoot leaving his shoes behind.
"What did I say?" said Hannah sounding hurt.
Jimmy had only just disappeared into the trees behind them, when he came running back, looking extremely scared. "Oh, my God!" he yelled.
"What is it?" asked Hannah, frightened.
"There was a guy there!"
"What?" Jess asked. "But this island is uninhabited; it must be!"
There was a rustle from the trees.
"Oh, sweet mother of Jesus!" Cartman squeaked, clutching onto Jess's leg.
"Um... come out, whoever you are!" Jimmy shouted, trying to sound brave; and failing.
"Yeah! Show yourself!" Hannah called, her voice shaking.
A dark figure walked out from the bushes, blinking as the light hit him. He slowly raised his head. The others all gasped. It was Tom Hanks. Yes, Tom Hanks the movie star.
"CUT! CUT, cut cut cut cut..." Came a cry from above them, they looked up and saw a small swinging camera on a small swinging platform. A camera-man was operating a major camera and what looked like Steven Spielberg was sitting in a chair.
"What the hell!?" screamed Jess.
"Oh, well done, strangers." Steven Spielberg said sarcastically. "You managed to just walk onto the set of 'Castaway 2'. We've been trying to perfect this shot for three hours!"
"You mean this isn't a deserted island?" asked Jess.
"No," said Steven, matter-of-factly, "you a*seh*les."
"You are such a d*ck," Hannah concluded, sticking her tongue out at Steven. "Who made it your island, anyway?"
"The people I gave seven billion dollars to."
"Oh." Hannah turned her back.
"I don't think we can stay here," said Jesss "they'll be building sushi bars and tofu shops soon. Hannah'll get the runs again."
Hannah laughed nervously and looked at Jimmy. "That... that was just a little joke..."
"We could swim to the next island - it's only about two kilometres," Jimmy suggested.
"Oh, ONLY two kilometres!" Jess repeated, sarcastically.
"Stop being a lazy arse and get in the water." Jimmy ordered.

25 minutes later, Jess, Cartman, Hannah and Jimmy were in the sea again in their trusty dinghy.
"Can't believe how much of an a**hole that Steve was." Hannah said.
"Mind your language, girl," said Jess, breathing heavily from using lots of arm action to paddle, "OK, whose smart idea was it to move onto the next island?" enquired Jess.
"Jimmy's." Hannah said.
"Oh," said Jess, "well, it sucked."
"Yeah, screw you hippy," added Cartman.
"I had an ingenious idea to save the plane and 300 souls. Instead you all opted for the 'Kill 296 and save four' method."
"Shut up, spoil-sport," said Jess, paddling harder. "We're nearly there."

The dinghy washed ashore half an hour later.
"I'm bleeding knackered." Jess moaned, flopping onto the sand.
"Ho-hum," said Jimmy, propping himself up against a nearby palm tree, "what now?"
"Explore?" suggested Hannah, grinning.
"Hey, you guys, look!" Cartman pointed to the trees.
"What's that? A building?" asked Jess.
"It looks like... a Post Office!" said Hannah.
"This island is tiny, though!" said Jess. She was right. There was hardly enough room on it for two palm trees as well as a Post Office.
"I can't believe this," said Jimmy, "first Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks and then a random Post Office..." he paused, "I wonder what its sphere of influence is?!" He laughed hysterically and then realised he was the only one who understood the term. He went silent.
"They better sell Cheesy Poofs." Cartman muttered.
Jess meanwhile had already been in and explored. In a minute, she came running out of the shop with a bright red face.
"What's the matter?" said Hannah, perching on the side of the dingy.
"You'll never guess what!!" she cried.
"What?" gasped Hannah.
"They sell Chupa Chups!" Jess yelled. "I saw them on the counter!"
"Oh, wow..." Hannah sighed, running towards the door.
"Anyone in there?" Jimmy asked Jess.
"Didn't see anyone, but oh..." she sighed, "the Chupa Chups..."
Hannah reappeared a moment later, clutching a handful of lollies. She was followed by a guy in a postman's hat, who took the money she held out in her free hand.
"Guys, this is-" Hannah got no further, as Jess had fainted.
Right on top of Cartman.
She managed to gabble- "Marber... it's... Patrick... Marber!" -before everything went black.

"Oh my God! Jess!" Hannah screamed, running over to her side. "You stupid old man!" she cried looking at Patrick, then calming down she added- "Who are you anyway?"
Patrick sighed.
"Fine, don't talk to me then," said Hannah, "you don't happen to have any smelling salts in your Post Office do you?"
Patrick didn't reply but shrugged his shoulders.
"I'm gonna get really angry with you, Mr... whoever you are!" Hannah said, pointing her finger at him.
Jimmy, who had fetched a handful of water to wet Jess' face with, decided to throw it on Hannah instead.
"Ugh! Manky!" Hannah whined, shaking her head to clear it of water.
Jess was slowly sitting up.
"Oh, J, are you OK? This stupid old tw*t-"
"He's not stupid; he went to Oxford. And he's not old. He's... lovely..." Jess said, surprisingly calmly.
"Who the hell is he, then?" Jimmy asked, kicking sand at Cartman moodily.
"Patrick Marber." Jess said, dreamily, turning back to the Post Office owner. "Hmm." Jess drifted off into a trance.
"Who?" Hannah asked, frowning.
"Is your friend OK?" Patrick asked, taking a step towards them.
"Apart from the insanity, but she had that already."
Patrick bent over Jess and helped her into a seated position.
"Hello," she murmured, grinning like a loon.
"Er, hi," he said. "I guess you know who I am."
"You're an ex-actor and now a playwright," Jess concluded. "and you've worked with Steve Coogan."
"Erm, yes. I came to this island to write my new play in peace, but my boat sank. I'm stuck here."
"Why the Post Office?" asked Hannah.
"A guy's gotta work," Patrick explained.
Hannah laughed hysterically. "Yeah, I see what you mean Jess... heehee, he's funny!"
Jimmy put his hands on his hips and pouted. "He didn't even say anything, though."
"I know!" said Hannah, clutching at her sides, "That's the point!" She screamed with laughter and fell on the floor on top of Cartman who had been trying to get up after being sat on by Jess.
Jess looked a little confused after a while and looked over at Jimmy who was revealing the same expression.
"I think she's gone hysterical," Jimmy groaned.
"So much for the peace and quiet," Patrick sighed, looking at Hannah, who had burrowed several feet into the sand and was poking her head up like a crab. "Anyway; formal introduction, where are my manners?" Patrick held out a hand. "Patrick Marber."
Jess shook his hand. "I'm Jess," she said, regaining her composure. "This is Jimmy," she indicated to the pilot, who shook Patrick's hand, "and this is Hannah." Jess indicated to the now almost completely submerged Hannah under the sand.
"Right, nice to meet you."
"Oh, no, the pleasure's all mine," Jess insisted. "We're on our way to Australia... or, we were, until our plane crashed."
"Why were you going there?"
"Steve Coogan's doing a tour there."
"So are Silverchair!" Hannah said excitedly, coming out of her hole.
"Who?" asked Patrick.

<< back to Book 1.1

� Jess and Hannah 2001