Twenty-Three (Heather); Blood.
Blood... Red and warm and sticky, mingled with salty tears and pain. More blood. More blood! More pain. More tears. How could I ever have been so stupid as to believe I had any kind of acting ability at all?! Fucking hell I'm some kind of a fucking prat! If I had any kind of acting ability I would have managed to get at least a small part. But no!
I hiccough, feeling sick from lack of blood and crying so hard. Suzie was there. With some idiotic bint who I assumed was her cousin, Annette. They didn't say anything to me; Annette looked like she could see right through me, and Suzie just gave me a very dangerous smile, rubbing one wrist as if she had a bracelet on. She still scares me. But God... Someone somewhere hates me... Because both she and Annette got parts..... I didn't. I've never felt so useless in my life! My Dad's right; I am a failure, I am worthless, and I haven't gotten anywhere with my life.
Shit. I look down at my arms as I hear the front door opening and Tim chuckling as Aiden gallumphs down the stairs to greet him. Quickly I pull off the short-sleeved t-shirt I'm wearing and exchange it for a long-sleeved one. Hides my arms well, this one, as the sleeves come down right over my hands. Thank God for that... If Tim saw my arms he'd be (a) very hurt, and (b) very angry...
"Heather?" He calls.
"Upstairs! Hang on, be right down!" I call, making sure the blade is hidden, then I go downstairs myself. "Evening." I smile, my face clean and clear of my earlier tears. Tim looks at me carefully, like he's looking to for any signs of me having been affected by my comeplete and utter failure.
"I - I'm sorry about the-"
"It's okay!" I cut him short. "S'not like it's a shock or anything! Not like I expected to get in!" I laugh slightly, but the noise sounds wrong. Bitter and twisted, cold and unreal. It doesn't sound like it comes from me. "Coffee?" I suggest, desperate to steer the conversation away from something that could hurt me again. Tim sighs, not taking his eyes off mine. I feel a little like he's trying to look right through them, past the lies and the facades. I can't let him. I won't let him. I won't let anyone past my barriers... I look away and start walking into the kitchen. "What d'you want for dinner?" I ask. I turn around to find Tim's followed me in in that oddly silent way he occasionally adopts, and is standing almost right behind me. "Ah! Tim don't do that!" I protest, trying to force out that laugh again, the one that says 'I'm ok, no, really, I'm okay...'
"Heather, I want you to do me a favour," he says softly. I don't look at him, so he tilts my head upwards so I don't have a choice. I try to pull away, but he's not letting go.
"What favour?" I ask, trying once more to inject some kind of cheer and/or happiness into my voice, but I fail pretty miserably. What a surprise!
"I want you to stop pretending you're not hurt by the fact you didn't get a part in the film."
"It doesn't really matter anyhow..." I mutter, trying to look down again, but Tim still won't let go of my chin, and if his grip gets any tighter it might just hurt.
"Yes it does." He says firmly. I don't like it when he gets like this... I mean, I don't mind the domineering, believe me! I like that! But......... Emotionally weighted conversations terrify the living hell out of me, and I don't want to be caught out again... "I know it does, I can tell you've been crying, so there's no point lying to me." He puts his finger across my lips before I can snap at him for mentioning me lying. "Don't start. Just admit you're a real person who has real feelings, and right now you're feeling hurt." I shake my head mutinously. I am not going to be talked into 'admitting' anything... I am fine... And perhaps if I keep telling myself I am, I will be... Tim sighs and shakes his own head, then stoops just slightly and I know he's going to kiss me and I know it's going to-
He kisses me gently, and I shut my eyes, tears stinging them sharply. I want to cry now. God Tim don't be so fucking nice to me! I'm a fucking failure! Why won't you just leave it like that and accept it? Not everyone in this world is good at something, whatever your beautiful fucked-up mind might assume. I'm not you, or Amy, or Danny, and for God's sake accept I'm nothing!
"O-kay..." My voice catches as he pulls back. "So I hurt." I mutter. "It doesn't ma-"
"Of course it matters!" Just the right tone of righteous indignation as he pulls me close and holds me gently against his chest and we just stand. Silent in the middle of the kitchen as I desperately fight away the urge to cling tightly to him and sob like I'm ten again.
God I'm so fucking useless...
Chapter 22 ; Contents ; Chapter 24
