to God. God tells the three men that they will need transportation
around Heaven. The type of transportation you have depends on how
faithful you were to your spouse.
So the first man walks up to God and God asks the first man,
"Were you faithful to your wife?"
The first man replied, "Yes, well, I may have cheated on her once."
God asked the first man, "Exactly how many times did you cheat on her?"
The man says, "OK, I cheated on her 11 times."
So God gave the man a used Chevy.
Then God asked the second man the same question and the second man
answered, "I cheated on my wife 5 times."
So God gave the man a Honda Accord.
Then God asked the third man the same question. The third man replied,
"I have never cheated on my wife. I have always been completely
faithful to her." So God gave this man a beautiful convertible
Mercedes,
and he was the envy of the other men in his beautiful sports car.
All the other men were jealous, but they knew that they got what
they deserved.
One day while on the road, the first two men saw the third man driving
in his Mercedes looking very upset so they pulled up next to him and
the first man asked, "What's wrong? You have a gorgeous car!
You should be having the best time of all three of us."
The third man just looked down the road and said,
"I just passed my wife on roller skates."
Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on
the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops.
"You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's
time we went all the way," he pleads.
"Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts.
Besides all those people at the field may hear us."
The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making
cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing.
That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing."
The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down
to business.
Minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through
the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.
"Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton both die on the same day.
They both go before Saint Peter to find out if they will be admitted
to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so St. Peter must decide which of them will get in.
He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to
heaven. She takes her top off and says, "Look at these. They're the
most perfect God has ever created, and I am sure it would please him
to be able to see them every day for eternity."
Saint Peter thanks Dolly, and then asks Queen Elizabeth the same
question. Queen Elizabeth then drops her skirt and panties,
takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up,
and douches with it. St. Peter says,
"Okay, your majesty, you may go in."
Outraged, Dolly screams, "What in the heck was that all about?
I showed you two of God's greatest creations. She performed a
disgusting hygiene act, and she gets in and I don't."
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter,
"but a royal flush beats a pair any day."