That first night in my car, C said, �Let�s see what we�ve got here,� or something like that, and he reached into my lap. He unbuttoned and unzipped my pants almost too quickly for me to feel awkward and pulled the fabric apart. Warmth. He cupped me in his hand and said, �Oh, it�s a beautiful pussy. I knew it would be.� His �oh� was a crafty, lulling sigh. �Such a pretty pussy.� The fingers of his right hand swam through me. �God, you�re so wet,� he said.
My head was spinning. I could think only in monosyllables: Stop; Go; Please; Help. �I�ve been like this all day�I mean, I�ve been like, all week. Like this,� I mumbled.
"This" would be this: Frantic and terrified and despondent
Or this: Electric, vibrating, and joyously expectant
Or this: Marveling, ashamed, and finally defiant
In the King James, Rachel says to Jacob, �Give me children, or else I die.� I felt as though my body was saying something similar. Not children�although when he told me he had three children, something in me stood to attention�but something else. �Give me joy of the body, or else I die,� maybe, or perhaps just �Give me joy.�
Like my father, maybe, half-declaring his half-desire for freedom, saying to my mother in a bedroom so far away early on a morning so distant: �Take the kids and go. Otherwise I can�t be held responsible.� And my mother looked over his shoulder, at a rack of rifles on the wall, and started combing her memory for phone numbers of people who would put us up for the next few nights. I wonder what he felt then?
Give me joy. Or else.
I leaned my head back and opened my thighs further. I rolled my head along the headrest and opened my eyes to look at his odd, homely face. I couldn�t read it. No one I knew lived there. But in that moment his face was the only map I had. �Please. Help me. Tell me what to do,� I wanted to say, but didn't. Tongue-tied. Afraid. Everything felt fragile and wrong. Everything turned upon this thing that was happening, this thing that was wrong, that was a disaster.
He withdrew his hand. "Look, follow me. I'm going to drive over the river to the sandwich shop. We'll get a coke or something. Can you do that? Will you be okay?"
He was smiling. Pleased with himself. I watched him get out of my car and walk over to his. His taillights glowed. I waited for him to pull out. Then I followed.