From: Isabella [mailto:[email protected]]
Sent: Friday, June 25, 2004 10:32 AM
To:
Subject: yes i will yes
I got turned around a little on the way home, but I made it alright. This morning I woke up early and realized that I'd been in such a daze all day that I forgot to eat. I mean all day yesterday. I think I had some crackers and half of one of those awful energy bars. And cups and cups of tea and one beer at the Meetup. I might have eaten something else, but I really don't remember it if I did.
I don't know. I think it might be okay. I think I might be able to handle this. I want to. After I told Glenn goodbye and told him I loved him, I did some general pottering aound my life things, like walk the dog and fix a cup of coffee, etc. Then I went to my bedroom and got the clothes you helped me take off last night out from under the bed where I'd shoved them. I wanted to know if they still smelled like sex. Because when I came in, I was so sure I reeked of it, I was positive they would. And they didn't, except for my underwear.
I lay back on the bed and made myself come while thinking of you. You felt like the sea under me last night. I think of water when I think of you. All this week, I've felt as though I were drowning. But you felt like the sea surging under me last night, and I believe you when you say that you won't let me fall.
I'm locked up pretty tight in a few places. I want you to help me unlock those places. All those things you described last night by the tree and on that bench by the lake? I want to do them all. I want you on me and inside me. I like feeling the blood beating under your skin. I love your voice and how it makes me feel. Your hands are kind.
>I enjoy the way you turn these things over in your mind. You are not
>ordinary.
You yourself are far from ordinary. I want you right now.
I think if I am hurt in this--or if Glenn is hurt, which will not happen if I can help it--it will be because of something I do, not you. But I won't be "shattered"--at least, I don't think so. I know eventually I'll hurt, though. And I'll have to hide that, too. I watched my mother have an affair with a man, when I was 15. He had a wife and kids, living in another state. But I think he and my mom loved each other, in a way. She was really happy. And when he left--they decided, mutually, to stop--she was so sad. So. There you are.
So, with my crystal ball of hindsight, I can see that this will come to no good end. But I suppose you could say most things don't, if you regard transience as being a bad end. I am trying not to. I will give myself as much as I can, safely. And I will take what I can have, while I have it (I figure I have until November 2nd--that's pumpkintime for us, probably. Probably sooner). Regardless, you are a gift, and I will not say no.
I have to go--I have an appointment. I'll tell you more later about coming home last night. Write back when you get a chance, so I know that I haven't freaked you out.