Sent: Monday, June 21, 2004 2:59 AM
To: 'Isabella'
Subject: RE: Stuff
> I don't think I've ever known, on a personal level, anyone around my age with kids in high >school.
It is always been hard to find somebody my age with kids my age. Usually folks with kids the same age are older, and parents my age have younger kids. Plus, my ex got all "our" friends in the divorce. I've learned to adjust, but I often feel I have little in common with other parents. We are meeting cooler parents this time around, so I am happier and enjoy parent-related functions better.
> If I can't get the control module whatsis fixed on my car, I may take you up on the >carpooling suggestion. Cautiously.
I was going to offer a ride to an RRT friend, but he goes to bed at 6p. So I'm all yours if you need a ride.
Not to worry. Nothing will happen that you don't want to happen.
> Might I say, by the way, that I'm thinking of opening a separate e-mail account just to >converse with you?
That is the worst feeling -- to send the exact wrong message to somebody. I once accidentally sent a message griping about a friend to that very friend.
My very own account? Beats the alternate (cutting me off). You must be enjoying me.
> You say I'm direct, but I'm actually pretty guarded.
I think I get you, so it seems like I can see your levels. At the same time, yes, you reveal less than you could.
>> I wonder from which angle you view the same information.
>
> I do too. That is, I'm not sure what you mean.
I see us sitting on opposite sides of a verbal chess board. From my perspective, the goal of the game isn't to play chess -- it's to be sitting on the same side of the board. Your goal, as I see it, is to keep playing chess -- and, of course, to remain on opposite sides of the board.
I think I am winning.
> On the one hand, revealing information--ie, "honesty"-- is sometimes the best protection one >can have. Throughout my life, I've revealed information to distract, to bait, to misdirect, to >attempt to be "interesting"... More often now I reveal things simply because I'd rather not >be alone with myself all the time.
Honesty can be dangerous. If, for example, I were to tell you that I wanted to be your lover, then I would put myself at risk. If I told you the details, the color of my desire, what attracts me to you, then I would be putting ammo into the gun I handed you. I've given you a way to hurt me. I've put stress on our friendship.
But that would be honest. Hiding or denying my desire would be a safe lie.
> I suppose asking whether you would want to tell me if you visited porn sites (not >necessarily which porn sites)
I found a site (www.free-hardcore.com) that almost always shows real orgasms, as far as I can tell. It does this by taking the guy out of the equation. It is a site that features some rather creative machines, with the woman's hand on the speed knob. I really like the idea of the woman being in charge, simply making herself come repeatedly without some tattooed, shaved, watch-wearing musclehead acting macho and controlling the range of her responses.
The site has many other flavors of fetish, but I like the machines best.
Recently the site added, of all things, a category called "real couples." Married or dating, they are together and willing to be on camera "together." Damned if the site didn't pull off an amazing revitalization of a tired porn cliche -- these couples love each other, they know each other, and it shows.
I would bookmark a site that simply shows women's faces before, during, and after orgasm.
> is more an attempt to fish for information about me than it is about you. Not very mature >of me. Please forget I asked.
Now I'm confused. (And no, I won't forget. And no, I don't mind.)
Discussing porn sites is a way to talk with you about (a certain indirect sort of) sex, so I like the topic.
Do I think talking about porn will impress you? No, the opposite. I was/am willing to tell all in spite of the fact that it probably puts you off to some extent. Makes you think less of me, perhaps. But hiding or lying about facts would be deeply problematic.
"an attempt to fish for information about me"
Are you wanting me to seek certain info about you (i.e., whether you like porn)? Are you admitting to ulterior motives? Are you using this thread to find out more about my feelings? This part confused me, and as it's the crux of your backing away, I feel I need to understand.
Please don't back away or apologize.
> It would make me exceedingly uncomfortable to know that he was aware of this part of my >life.
Porn, you mean? I think we all need a private corner to go be somebody else for a while. I understand the desire for privacy.
I will close and send this. I wonder if you are still up?