From: Isabella [mailto:[email protected]]
Sent: Wednesday, June 23, 2004 1:32 AM
To:
Subject:
>>"an attempt to fish for information about me"
>Are you wanting me to seek certain info about you (i.e., whether you like porn)? Are you admitting to ulterior motives? Are you using this thread to find out more about my feelings? This part confused me, and as it's the crux of your backing away, I feel I need to understand.
>Please don't back away or apologize.
It was more interesting to me to find out whether your comment about "those adult sites" was something meant for me to pick up. I thought you might have wanted me to seek more info about you. Then, when you answered, I was frightened. So I backed off.
I apologized because my question seemed in retrospect somehow selfish. Part of what frightened me was that there's some creepy stuff out there.
>>I see us sitting on opposite sides of a verbal chess board. From my perspective, the goal of the game isn't to play chess -- it's to be sitting on the same side of the board. Your goal, as I see it, is to keep playing chess -- >>and, of course, to remain on opposite sides of the board.
What happens when we end up on the same side of the board? I'd like to be on the same side of the board with you, but in a way that wouldn't hurt my marriage--because, for all intents and purposes, I am married. I'd also like to be able to look your wife in the eye if I met her again.
Funny--I don't always think of it this way, but I guess my relationship with H is a marriage. Six months, a year, two years--those are relationships. Ten years is a marriage. And in ten years, I've never even kissed anyone else. I've thought about it--sometimes really wanted to--but I've never done it.
I think about kissing you and I wonder what it would feel like and I die just a little, as much as from wanting as from guilt.
>>If, for example, I were to tell you that I wanted to be your lover, then I would put myself at risk.
No one's ever told me they wanted to be my lover--not in words. It's overwhelming.
>>If I told you the details, the color of my desire, what attracts me to you, then I would be putting ammo into the gun I handed you.
But these are questions that I'm desperate to ask. It's not fair to ask them, but at the same time, I'm confused and puzzled. I don't know how we got here. I find myself wondering whether I'm a less expensive version of a Miata, or if you and your wife are having problems--if it's something on that kind of level, in which case, I'm not really all that important. I wonder if this is something you just do on a regular basis, pursue other women. But then I wonder why it matters.
I want to ask you when all this--us, I guess--started for you.
>But what I would like to see
>is your ecstatic face
>atop the flagship's tallest mast
>as the last familiar bit of coast
This was beautiful. And erotic. You could probably make me come just by talking. You've hit me where I live. It's not fair.