The Revelation of St. Bryce the Long-Winded (Partial)
(v. 1.00, not valid with any other offer, all revelations subject to
wholesale revisions without prior warning)
Chapter 1
1) Peace be unto the followers of the Invisible Pink Unicorn, whose
works are without end, whose hooves are never shod, whose pinkness
defies all description, and whose true name can neither be spoken nor
written.
2) The Invisible One (all praises be unto her) hath shown herself
unto me, and revealed her True and Holy Works;
3) Unto I, Saint Bryce the Long-winded, most unworthy.
4) For, indeed, I have lived not in her sight. For I did indeed set
at naught the counsel of the blessed children of the Invisible Pink
One, defiling myself with the worship of the false god Yahweh, and his
illegitimate child.
5) Compounding sin upon sin, I heeded not the counsel of the prophet
Wookie, and didst partake of the Holy Pinapple and Ham most
unworthily. Amongst men, I am the most wretched, and the least
deserving of her Pinkish Grace.
6) But, behold, by her divine workings was I led unto the most sacred
writing: The IPU FAQ.
7) As I read, lo, the truth was revealed unto me, and I did believe
on the name of Her Holy Horniness.
8) And, recognizing my sinful ways, from the depths of despair did my
soul cry out unto her.
9) For I did see my unworthiness in Her sight, for I was a sinner,
destined forever to spend existence in the presence of the unholy
Purple Oyster;
10) Waxing his shell and massaging his most wretched and slimy feet.
11) For, lo, the Purple Oyster doth truly have feet, and the legs
thereof, and the toes thereof, giving him dominion over all the clams
of the seas, and allowing him to go unto the children of men, and
tempt them unto destruction.
12) And, behold, I decided this was a most icky way to spend an
eternity, and thus did I call upon the Name of the Holy and Pink and
Most Invisible of all Unicorns (whose name can neither be spoken or
written);
13) And as I began thus in the act of supplication and out-and-out
brownnosing, behold, my computer screen was filled with a radiant
purpleness, whose purpleness did exceed all understanding.
14) And, lo, the spirit of the Purple Oyster was upon me, and I saw
his most terrible jaws, and his most terrible and slimy tongue, which
was the essence of his wickedness; for indeed this was the most
despicable of all oysters, and he did smell of brine.
15) And it came to pass that I did grapple with the most horrible
creature, and he did consume me, and with the excretions of his mouth
did he begin turning me into a Purple Pearl, therein to spend an
infinitude of eternities in agony and wailing.
16) But with my last breath did I cry out unto the Pink Unicorn for
deliverance;
17) And it came to pass that the galloping of a thousand hooves was
heard, and the Purple One didst spit me out, and didst retreat from my
sight.
18) And, lo! a multitude of Mr. Eds, an exceeding number beyond any
number which I had ever bothered to count, didst stampede through my
house, upturning furniture, crushing lamps, and making couches into
kindling; and they didst shout with a mighty voice, "Neigh! Neigh!"
which, being interpreted, means, "Make way for the Holy Pink one,
whose Hooves remain forever unshod, whose works are without end, and
whose ways cannot be altered, nay, turned either to the East or unto
the West, save that be the way which She hath chosen beforehand!"
Chapter 2
1) And, lo, a great beast did stand before me, having seven heads,
and on each head were there seven mouths, and in each mouth were there
seventy times seven teeth. For truly there were seven times seven
times seven times seventy teeth, meaning there were. . . okay, carry
the three, adding twenty. . . plus that extra tooth on the third mouth
of the sixth head. . . Well, there were indeed a great many teeth.
2) And behold, the mouths did speak many words which I cannot write,
for they were all talking at once, and danged if I can keep track of
even two conversations at once.
3) But, behold, I did make out many sayings of great wisdom, for one
of the mouths distinctly said, "Behold, prepare ye to meet our most
holy Queen, the Invisible Pink Unicorn, who shall reveal many great
and notable things unto you. And prepare ye to see the full measure
of her Pinkness, though she will be invisible still";
4) And I was about to ask how it was possible for a being to be both
invisible and pink, but behold, a different mouth of a different head
did bend close to me, saying, "Look!"
5) And I saw the seven Pegasuses (Pegasi?), the avatars of the Pink
One, flying through the heavens, each carrying a roll of Lifesavers
(TM) in their teeth.
6) And the beast with the seven heads and the forty-nine mouths and
the innumerable teeth (for they were truly innumerable, for I am
indeed a product of Public Education, which did nothing for my math
skills) did speak with its forty-nine mouths, and did speak in unison,
saying, "behold the Pegasi, avatars of the Invisible Pink Unicorn on
this Earth, and behold the judgement of our most Intangible Queen."
7) And behold, the first Pegasus did sound a piccolo, and didst open
the roll of Lifesavers (TM). And I questioned how this could be, that
any being had power to play a piccolo without hands, while opening a
roll of Lifesavers (TM) with his teeth. And, lo, I did tremble in
fear at this power.
8) And it came to pass that the Lifesavers (TM) did spill unto the
ground, and innumerable plagues did spring forth, burdening the
unfaithful who could not accept both the pinkness and divine
invisibility of the Holy One.
9) And behold, I did see the chosen people of the Invisible Pink
Unicorn, and they did stand in safe places, burning incense and
praising Her, saying, "Holy, holy, holy is our IPU, for she is both
invisible and pink, and she doth offer her protection unto us her most
unworthy worshippers." And they did partake of the holy pineapple and
ham, as a worthy sacrament, and indeed, they were not harmed.
Here Endeth the Lesson. (Simon, Scribe of the IPU)