The Book of the Prophet April

Chapter 1
1 Verily am I blessed among women, for I have had revealed unto me the
Truthful Doctrine of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (Peace Be Unto Her).
2 And this was the manner of it. For I was wandering and confused upon the
beaches of A/sa/teague, when I was approached by a small and shaggy pony,
which did attempt to eat the apple which I was holding. "Away," I cried.
"Foul beast, would you steal the apple which is mine?"
3 Then did the pony look down upon me, and spake: "Child, do you not know me?"
4 And I said, "Verily, it is not my habit to consort with local wildlife."
5 And the pony spake thus: "Quit it with the 'verily' bit, OK? Know, then,
you ignorant heathen, that you are in the Presence of the One you have sought,
but never found."
6 And lo! the shaggy pony disappeared, and I felt myself to be in the
Presence. And indeed was the Presence pink, and shaped like unto a unicorn.
Yet such was the overwhelming nature of the Presence that I could not, in
truth, look upon it.
7 For indeed, my friends, it is for this reason that the great Pink Unicorn is
called Invisible, and that is, that the Presence is too great for our small
eyes to truly see, and to awesome for our small minds to comprehend. It is by
our faith alone that we know her to be Pink, and a Unicorn.
8 And truly those who say otherwise are heretics and unbelievers, and shall be
cast into the Great Manure Pile where her Sacred Dwarves shall indeed nibble
on their kneecaps for all eternity. And serve them right.
9 Yet when I felt myself to be in the Presence I was afraid. And I cast
myself face down in the sand and begged, "O Galloping Goddess, forgive me that
I did not know you, and do not send me forth to eat lunch with your ancient
foe, the Purple Oyster of Doom. For he will force me to eat pizza with
pepperoni and mushrooms, and I shal be most afflicted."
10 And Her Pinkness proclaimed, "Do not be afraid, my servant, for you have
been mislead by the false prophets who quote Chapters and Verses of books
which do not exist. And yet I have also revealed to them the Eternal Truth,
and indeed have they mangled it."
11 "And furthermore shall you know that it is fitting that I be celebrated by
prophets who do not exist, in verses that do not exist, for books that do not
exist. For my own existence is of a dubious and contradictory nature, and I
like it that way."
12 Then was I much confused, whereat I asked, "Then how, O You Whose Hooves
Are Never Shod, shall I know how to behave myself, if even Your holy books
are not to be believed?"
13 And thus spoke She Who Is Pink, and said, "That is what I shall tell you,
for I shall reveal to you the Truth, if you will just shut up and listen.
And verily, get your face outta the sand."

Chapter 2
1 And the Invisible Pink Unicorn spoke unto me, and said, "Write this stuff
down."
2 Therefore did I search my pockets, and came up with a bunch of 3x5 index
cards, and also a ballpoint pen.
3 Then did Her Equine Self touch the pen with Her marvellous horn, and lo! it
turned pink! And I was much amazed, and began jotting down this account.
4 And I said unto the Principle of Unicornity, "If we're going to be really
appropriate, shouldn't this be in invisible ink?"
5 Surely then was the Great One annoyed, and She spake, and said, "Do not be a
wise-ass, my child, unless you want a hoofprint in your forehead. But, if you
must know, when you post this to the Internet, which is the center of My
worship, then indeed shall the pinkness of the writing be invisible."
6 Thus was I first afflicted by the terrible jokes of Her Invisible Pink Glory.
7 And the Unicorn spoke again, saying, "Write this. First, know that there
is not merely one doom reserved for unbelievers, but a Very Big Number.
Therefore am I shown to be greater than any other deity.
8 For who else can bost the Hell #655, wherein trangressors are punished by
having to listen to the endless drivel of uncountable net.kooks?"
9 "Who else can boast Hell #333, where fundamentalists are continually sawn in
half by stage magicians?"
10 "Oh, and note down that there *is* no Hell #666."
11 "For that would be too easy."
12 So did I write all that down, and the Invisible Unicorn said, "Come again
next week."
13 And the Holy Writings on the Sacred 3x5 Index Cards in the Blessed
(Invisible) Pink Ink were put in the Very Devout Plastic File Box, where I
left them, buried in the sands of A/sa/teague.

[email protected] (Walrus and April)