jokes2

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes
back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to
leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get
some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he
decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at
the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he
reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time
he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right
into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over
him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

A thirteen-year old boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, slaps a hundred bucks on the counter, and says "I want one of your women."
The Madam looks at him and says "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?"
He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your women, now."
The Madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about twenty
minutes."
He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "She has to have
active herpes."
The Madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "Active herpes."
She responds, "Okay, have a seat. It'll be about ten minutes."
Ten minutes later, a woman comes out, leads the boy upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and they do their business... As he's leaving, the Madam asks him "Okay, I have to ask, why did you want someone with active herpes?"
The kid replies... "When I get home, I'm going to have sex with the
babysitter. When Mum and Dad get home, Dad will take the babysitter home and have sex with her on the way. Later tonight when they're in bed Dad will have sex with Mum. Tomorrow morning, after Dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and Mum will have sex with him ................. and he's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog!"