07.02
I got in late last night from a very exciting and adventurous day. i tossed and i turned. At first i thought i'd like to listen to some music as I fell into soft slumber, but as I pressed play and fell into the high of Sam Beam's voice, i knew i'd be asleep by track 3. and I was. so i turned it off.
Lots of things are on my mind right now, I guess. time passing, time being wasted. Is it stupid to try to juggle so much? is it inevitable that balls may be dropped? Yesterday i was thinking about how much people come and go -- today's headliners tomorrow will be gone, their 15 minutes of fame over. A person could be a universe to you one second, but then a meteor hits the center sun, and all goes quiet. I'm sorry to those that have been dropped. you won't be forgotten by anyone.
So i went to the iron & wine in-store performance at soundscapes the other day, which was awesome. I was nervous as hell that i'd get a bad spot, or that i wouldn't get to meet him. But my neuroticism payed off when Rose and I were first in line, and got to meet Sam. it was really inspirational to meet him. Here's a guy who was teaching Film Studies at Miami State university, with a wife and two kids, when he decided to record some music as a hobby. He didn't intend on anyone hearing what he recorded, nor did he plan on ever playing the songs again. Somehow, through word-of-mouth, his tapes got to Sub-Pop records. the rest is history. it's amazing -- suddenly, everything has changed!! what a story. He was really down to Earth, and was joking around with me on-stage. fun, fun night. Then i got to kiss my girlfriend a lot, which was fun.
And I love fireworks!!
06.21
So i started at work today. it's alright, again. I'm at a different desk, the monitor is new, and I have windows XP. So yeah -- it's not bad. the way I look at it is that I could be doing a lot worse: I don't think i could handle a restaurant job, nor anything at a golf course. Maybe that's a little pretentious of me to write it off like that... i guess it just makes sense that I work on a computer all day, seen as I'm rarely away from it at home. (I should really change that.)
hey!! If you want to buy me a present (for whatever reason), you should check out This page. i also want the Kids in the Hall season 1 DVD, a Boss TU-2 pedal, and a new blazer. woohoo!!
06.16
it is when faced with death that we are most grateful for life. The last days of a year, the spark of a cigarette. The hush that quietly envelopes us, conciously or un, brings us closer to the meaning. we see the green of leaves in a new hue, We scratch our dogs with a heightened sentsitive touch. but does that mean in order to appreciate the details we have to live closer to the Edge?
so I'm sad about the year ending. I find myself wanting to call different people, if only to hear their breath or the call recieved, just to make that contact. i don't feel like I have closure, but I doubt that i'd feel like I did even if i were out partying and celebrating with all my friends; even if I was drinking a Corona at a funeral. the dictionary defines Limbo as "an intermediate place or state". i'm sad to say i'm right there. X. but I don't think you can be there for too long without re-surfacing. As prominent as the feeling of drowning can be, you're either going to make it back out of the water for air or water will fill your lungs. you can't stay just in an awkward stance forever.
So while you're in the dark, crying like a baby, think about this: Eventually the walls that corner you will crumble. eventually the sun will angle itself with your window and you'll feel the heat of light. But embrace the feelings you have. nurture all the emotions you feel and make others feel. Thanks for for an amazing 4 years, and to some, a semester. time passes, but you'll always have your memories.
06.06
So many melodies brushing in & out of my head. yesterday I bought a gibson SG special faded guitar at a sale at Cosmo music. It's such a beauty, and i've been playing it non-stop (By myself and with will&jeff). i feel really great. I'm such a material whore but it was meant to be.
05.30
i hope i'm never left alone, but if I am ever when I'm older (like, 68) i hope to God that i can find someone to die with. Preferably someone else that's been widowed, though I'd probably be up for anyone i could get. someone to listen to records with (beatles), and do elderly things (bingo & disney). what's the male equivilant of widow?
NY was incredible. Couldn't have asked for anything more. many people heard me say this, but at any given moment during the trip if we'd been forced to pack up and go home, it still would have been worth it. Thanks to all the people who made this trip for me -- you know who you are. cheers to chats at the empire state building, making fun of juliette, talking in 1403, bubba gump's, bug&the proceeding taxi, and late-night Virgin runs. pop-DING!
05.19
Driving home tonight... I feel like some things are going to change. But I'm trying not to think about it, because it would depress me way too much. & doesn't help that I've had the Flaming Lips in my head for a week. (They're good and all, but I attach with them on too many levels.) Boy i can't wait for monday night -- the anticipation, the sweat. And my birthday's coming up, too!! it's gonna be a fun a week. I've started my mixtape. i only have two songs but i think it's gonna be good. yaaaargh. Hugs and kisses and i'm out.
05.10
Buses with air-conditioning remind me of California. That sense of illusion -- that there's no harsh sun outside, that there isn't death -- is what Hollywood n all them are about. And I buy into it just like the next guy. Had a gay old time last night. Bled for 40+ minutes, and was even coughing up blood because I wasn't pinching at the right place. I felt like I was 5 again. I'm a bit run-down, but I'm okay.
Why do I feel like I've been written off? How can things get better if we never try? I feel like Pink's cigarette in the Wall movie. I'm burning but no one can see past the ash.
And why the hell wasn't there a rainbow after Ma nature had her schizo-outburt? So ant-climactic.
05.06
Thank god Brian finally gave me back my stuff. My watch was in my pants and I haven't kept any time. Shows went amazing... so amazed & so sad at the same time. Everything I said about it today on the grass, I meant. Believe me. I'm offically stopping smoking. No more for me on such a casual basis.
This is Dan and I with Damien Rice:
Yes I know you're jealous. I'm tired and I'm gonna go to bed now. I'm such a jerk. From now on when I wash up and I need to dry my face I'm just gonna bend over and do it from there. None of this pulling of the towel and disturbing the peace.
04.03
On a night like this, I'd die to listen to the Pumpkins. But I really have no idea which of their albums (or EPs) could satisfy my thirst without overdoing it, or rocking too much. I don't want rock. I want mellow, layed back nocturne. I was thinking maybe Adore but I think that would be too much. So I guess I'll have to settle for Mr. Damien Rice, whose CD I borrowed from Heather (and am surprised I don't have, already).
Learned a lot of things tonight. About myself, mostly, and about my friends. I have to stop looking out for my own ass and consider the behinds of some of the people around me, because when I make my moral decisions and choices, they're ultimately effected in one way or another. I should stop being so confused all of the time. I really must suck it up.
And I miss my friends. This year has been so incredibly rough, with universities and colleges, and the general feel of seperatism murking in the fog... I feel like we've lost the sense of the beauty we are as a group. I guess I can't bring it all back to one thing, because there are many reasons why: 1) We don't party as much (and when we do, there's always people saying this about this person and this about...) and 2) We've lost touch with each other, inevitably. Whatever the reason, it saddens me. And we all take each other for granted so much -- one thing we really must seize doing. Ugh. I miss everyone. And sometimes I just hate people, too. Some people, quite simply, lack the ability to get over themselves, which prevents them from being able to touch other people's lives in any way, shape, or form. I don't understand why they like it like that -- maybe they want to appeal to more people like themselves.
04.02
My hair was dragging me down...
No, not really. I'm not that emo. Shaved my head for cancer research. Apparently I'm kind-of Justin Timberlake-esque?? Well, that's Rose's dad at least. Gonna have a fun night and a shitty weekend, but I'll be back to me soon. Hope you are all well.
03.06
I kind of want to make a t-shirt with this on it. Whaddya think?
01.19
I guess I was wrong for presuming that I�d be totally fine for some time. That I�d be able to just waltz back into my fake groove and forget that part of my life. The truth is I really miss that continuing chapter, with its ups and downs and smiles and tears. Even rocky bloody times are better than this.
01.01
Well, this is the New Year. I've never made resolutions before, but I think I'm going to try to change that. Maybe I'll just start off with a few, and if that works I'll try it out again in 365 days. I have to save money. I have to try to better balance my social and my school and my own lives. I have to be honest with myself. I have work harder. I think that sounds pretty good. That's enough for me.
Two thousand three was a pretty good year. I went through a lot of ups and downs -- all of which saw me growing more and more as a person (hopefully). I'm getting older and older, and as I grow closer and closer to the end of high school, my life looks larger and larger. I can't believe I started high school almost 4 years ago. I can't believe I've known some people for only 4 years. Most less than that. It seems like so much longer.
I'm writing a new song. I feel fresh.