2003
12.17
Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but my furnace has managed to huff out enough heat to satisfy both me and my family. And we have good insulation, so that's a plus.
The smell of Christmas is everywhere. It's the cold snow that floats onto our winter hats, the fur or artificial Dad hauls up from the crawlspace, the happiness that emits. It's a feeling that somehow manages to pass through doors, walls, and skin. Even the commercialization of Christmas -- from the local paper stuffed with flyers to Canadian Tire's "Give like Santa, Save like Scrooge" advertisements -- somehow manages not only to penetrate through any of our worries, any of our concerns, but to also fill us with comfort (and joy). The romantic in me really blossoms at this time; I don't have to hide. And I savour every hug and every sweet that I get. It's a shame that I'm going to have to work (at least a little bit) over the course of this break, because I'd love to be spending all my time sharing any and all of the love that I have. And tomorrow we get our secret Santa presents in Drama class, for which I'm very excited. I was chosen to make a present for Avra, who I've known for going on seven years yet suprisingly still know very little about. So I made her a very boring present, unfortunetly. I hope she likes Smarties.
And I wish I could spread love to everyone out there, so that no one has any sadness in them and can fly. I know someone right now that is just in pieces, and I don't think any Christmas (or Hanukah) presents will rid her of the void she feels now. Boys are assholes... but now that Egg-nog is in stores, get yourself a few cartons, spike it, and forget all your problems! Gulp, gulp, gulp.
Happy Holidays, everyone!
11.26
So it's been a hard week, with everyone stressing out over the outcome of tests, report cards, and just generally school. What's weird here is, I'm no exception. As much as I am a bohemian when it comes to the conventions of school -- and love it that way -- I have found myself entertaining thoughts that I would otherwise find idiotic or downright silly. Well, it's not that I think school is bullshit, or that I think the staff are all morons -- it's the administration I hate. Just kidding. I guess I figure that right now I'm 17-years old, a minor, and at the point in my life where I can either become an adult, or savour the last few years I have being a kid. Not that the adult lifestyle isn't attractive -- it's just scary. So if I'm thinking about school, an oddity in itself, that means that many other people have school on the brain, too. To quote Dogma, "This is not a test. This is the apocalypse." I find myself waking up during the night, checking my watch for how much time I have. I set my alarm extra early. (So why the hell is he still writing this at 10:27pm?)
Apart from school, the rest of my life has also been pretty down. My relations with friends, my family and social life, my attempts to balance what is now -- it's all piling up on my shoulders and I feel the ground beneath me skake from my weight. I try extra hard to mow one field, while the grass on another grows higher and higher, filling with weeds. The disappointment I get from people confuses me, because I thought I was being productive all along. If you are reading this and are one of the blades of grass that I've left dry for too long, I apologize. I'm only human. We all make mistakes and have our troubles.
Sadly, my friend's mother died early last-week. I'm very sorry for Jay and my thoughts are with him, even though he's back at school (and gave me a ride home today) and has proven himself to have strength beyond his age. I'm thankful for my mum, who likes watching Law & Order, my brother, who helped me set up my record player the other night, and got as excited as I did when it worked, and my dad, who has to study a lot for his insurance exams, but will pass.
Tonight I gave a resume into Chapters, and I really hope I get a job there (at least for Christmas Break). So much for being a kid.
11.12
I have sorted something out -- that I will never be sorted out. That I will always have temptations, that I will always crave, that I will always have saliva dripping from my mouth. That doesn't give me license to do some of the things I want to do, but it feels good to acknowledge that, like everyone else in this world, I am not perfect. I screw up like everyone else, I get cold like everyone else, and I cry like everyone else.
Last night I found myself thinking about something that I don't think many people think about. My friend Harriet Lye -- who I think I'm allowed to call my friend, though I don't know her that well -- had cancer. After all her treatment, she was approached by the Children's Make a Wish Foundation. It's basically an organization that grants one wish to an ill person, and Ms. Lye, loving the show "Gilmore Girls", asked to go to the set of the show, and meet a bunch of the cast members. So she did that. I guess I just found myself thinking about what I would do if that happened to me, and I think I know what I'd do. I'd probably ask to go on tour with Ozma. I mean, of all the bands that I love, they seem like the people that would be the most fun to follow around and tour with. I also considered recording an album in a professional studio, and having a private concert of a few of my favourite bands, but I decided against those ones, because I think going on a tour would be what I'd want to
experience the most. After I brushed my teeth, I realized it wasn't benefiting me any to be thinking about this, and stopped that thought, and slept. I suppose it was just fantasizing, and there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe I was just tired.
11.02
How much do I hate un-reliability? I wish people were always available for pick-up.
I have just recently fallen back -- in a good way -- into the View Askeuniverse. (For those of you who have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, this movie-land takes place mostly in Red Bank, New Jersey. Two citizens there are Jay and Silent Bob.) When I loved them, I bought all the cassettes. Now I've started getting them on DVD (yes, I know I'm a slave). I had forgotten how much I loved these movies. They always brought a smile to my face, but they mean so much more now. Especially Chasing Amy.
And I really, really wish I had have gone out for Les Mis�rables. Good job, Daniel.
10.29
You know, sometimes I wonder why we keep the friends we keep. Can you count, or even approximate, the times you hear your friends lament about the mis-judgments or the stupid decisions that are made about the people they call their friends? It amazes me, really. People give so many second chances, and often never get what they want. Why are we so forgiving?
On another note, this year I get robbed of a Halloween. (Oh, how I long for youth.)