Kristen flew back to Dublin and asked Shane to meet her
there. She needed
to spend some time with him, trying to evaluate whether what she felt for
him was real or her imagination. He came immediately, happy to be with her
again. But something haunted him about her last phone call to him from LA.
"Sometimes I just wish we had gone all the way in Sydney Shane. Maybe
things would have been so much different than they are now."
Of course things would have been different
and Shane knew it. Maybe
they would be together now, but it wouldn't have been the way he wanted it
to be. Shane stayed in the spare room of Kristen's flat like he always
did.
But every night, he stood in the doorway to Kristen's room and watched
her
sleep. He wished she would open up to him and tell him why she wished they
had had sex in Sydney. He didn't understand it. In his mind, that
only
would have been a mistake.
Kristen came home one morning from the station to find Shane
sound asleep.
She went into his room and lightly kissed him on the forehead. "Hope
you
are having sweet dreams darling," she whispered before she went to her own
room.
Once there, she pulled a shoebox out from under the bed.
She lifted the
lid slowly. Inside were letters, several dozen. There were all from
Nicky,
letters he had sent her while she was in LA. "I'm so sorry Kristen,
please
let me make it up to you," each letter seemed to say. "I was
wrong, I do
want you in my life as someone I can love. I was a fool to hurt you the
way
I did Krissy."
Kristen sighed as she reread them. It was so hard to
let go of something
when you've wanted it for so long, but she knew she had to. She wiped a
tear from her face and put the letters away. That's when she noticed Shane
standing at the door.
"What were you reading Kris?" Shane asked.
He'd stood there long enough to
see her wipe away the tear and then put the letter back in the box.
"Oh, nothing, just some old letters." Kristen
wished he hadn't seen them.
Shane walked into the room and sat down on the bed beside
her. "Letters
from whom?"
"No one in particular," she lied through her teeth.
"Just old ones that
bring back memories."
"Oh," Shane said. He reached up and pushed a
loose strand of hair behind
her ear. "You feel ok?" he asked. He could tell something
was troubling
her.
Kristen let out a deep breath. It was time to tell
Shane. "Remember how I
told you I would tell you why I regretted us not having sex when the time
was right?" Shane nodded. "Well, I think it's time."
"If you're not ready, you don't have to," Shane
said as he reassuringly
squeezed her hand.
"No, I need to Shane, before things get too far, before
I make any more
mistakes." Kristen closed her eyes for a minute, trying to think of
the
words to say so she wouldn't hurt Shane. She sighed and then looked at
him.
"There's no easy way of telling you this Shane. And I know
that it's
going to hurt you, and I'm sorry."
He gently caressed her cheek. "Whatever it is
can't be that bad Kris."
"Yes it can Shane," she replied as the tears began
to fill up in her eyes.
He pulled her into his arms and held her tight. "I
can handle it Kristen.
I swear."
She moved back from him a little so she could look into his
eyes. "Promise
me you won't get mad."
"I promise."
Kristen stared start into Shane's eyes. There was no
other way to do it.
"That night, with Nicky�"her voice trailed off. She wasn't
sure if she
could tell him now.
"It's ok Kris, you can tell me," Shane said, softly
stroking her hair,
looking right into her eyes so she knew she had his support.
"It, it was, it was..." Kristen was so scared to
say it. She knew Shane
was going to get mad. "Nicky was my first."
Shane just sat there, stunned. He couldn't move.
His eyes turned cold and
there was no expression on his face.
"Shane, are you ok?" Kristen asked. He was
beginning to frighten her.
He sat there for a few more seconds, then he softly said,
"He was your
first?"
Kristen nodded as tears fell from her eyes. "I
never meant for it to be
that way Shane. That's why I tried to fight it."
Shane just stared at the wall, motionless. It was Nicky
that had taken
away his chances to be with Kristen for so long, and now he had taken
Kristen's virginity away from him too. He couldn't even think about how
Nicky was probably going to be gloating about this one, so he tried to deny
it. "But I thought you and TJ..."
Kristen shook her head. "That's why we kept
breaking up. Shane, I am so
sorry."
"No, I'm sorry Kristen. I'm sorry it had to be
that way for you. Your
first time should have been special and..."
"It should have been with you," Kristen finished
the sentence for him.
"Don't say that Kris."
"Why shouldn't I say it Shane? It's true, you
should have been the one."
"But I wasn't, was I?" There was a hint of
bitterness in Shane's voice.
He wanted to take back the words as soon as he said them.
"Are you blaming for what happened?" Kristen
sobbed.
"No, no I didn't mean it like that." Shane
pulled her into his arms and
tried to stop her tears. "I just, it, it hurts Kris. It hurts
to know that
you gave Nicky something so special and he didn't even care about you."
Shane's words hit a nerve deep inside of Kristen. He
had no idea how Nicky
felt about her. How could he sit there and say that Nicky never cared?
The
words made Kristen cry even harder.
"Shh," Shane whispered as he tried in vain to
comfort her. "Kristen,
please stop crying. Please, I hate to know you are crying because of
me."
She stopped and turned her tear-stained face to his.
"I thought I loved
him Shane, that's why I did it."
Shane gently wiped the tears from her face. "You
don't have to defend
yourself Kris. It's ok. What's done is done, you can't change it
now."
Kristen laid her head against Shane's chest.
"Thank you for understanding
Shane," she said. The ordeal had taken a lot out of her and she
slowly fell
asleep. Shane, still holding her, moved back so he was leaning against the
bed's backboard. He softly stroked her long blonde hair as she slipped
away
into dreams.
Shane couldn't help but feel a well of bitterness building up
inside him.
He wasn't bitter towards Kristen, only Nicky. Just when he thought he
could
forgive his old friend, this had to come out. 'Why did he have to become
such an asshole?' Shane thought. 'Why did he have to inflect so much pain
onto those he once cared about?'
He looked down at Kristen, sleeping soundly. A small
smile was on her
face. He could only wonder as to what she was dreaming about.
'Hopefully
me,' Shane thought to himself. The thought brought a small sense of peace
to him, as he gave into a yawn himself. Just as he was about to succumb to
sleep, he heard Kristen say something. 'She didn't just say what I think
she did,' Shane said to himself. Then she said it again.
"Nicky," she
softly whispered.
"What the hell?" Shane asked aloud. He slowly
laid Kristen down on the
bed. He wasn't going to wake her up to ask her, not yet. He suddenly
knew
whom the letters were from. He reached under the bed and found the box.
Shane took a deep breath as he opened it, praying that he wasn't right. He
only had to see the handwriting on the first envelope to know he was
unfortunately right. The letters, every one of them, were from Nicky,
pleading Kristen to forgive him. 'Looks like you got your wish Nicky,'
Shane thought as he crumbled the letter in his hands. Then he pushed the
box back under the bed and quietly left the room.
He went to his room and packed his things. No way he
was sticking around.
If he talked to Kristen, he knew he would only be hurt again. Shane left
no
note, just simply walked away.