Story Without Title
There are times when a feeling over comes you and you are forced to take time out and recognize your surroundings. Times that gives out an omonious feel of pending events. Whether it comes in the form as a smell in the air or the way the sky looks on a particular day. This such thing feels with thoughts that consume most of your day, ever so non-chalantly, you know others are thinking of it too. It all led to an unescapable conclusion, summer was comming.
For me, these thoughts were pre-dated a month before summer was to begin. Summer, to me, offered a bit of freedom that I only get once a year, and in a larger scope, maybe three times of my life. If everything was to go right, I would have a collection of memories to span a lifetime. My only obsticle involved surviving the last month of my Junior year.
High school is the most memorable time in a persons life, at least thats what I hear. Maybe it was when my folks were growing up, back when the high school higherarchy was in its development stage. Now when you go to school, you are catagorised by your friends, social activities and, sadly enough, your appearance. You are Judged accordingly. Needless to say, I had little or none of either.
It didn't matter, I'm sure the girls would be all over me if it weren't for the current class system. Optimism is a good thing. And in our desperate moment, the only thing we have left.
The only thing the unpopular can do to maintain sanity is to have that one person. One person you know you can trust and that will be your friend regardless. In that sense, I feel I'm better off then those that have mindless lackeys buying in to their every idea not being sure of their own motives. Those who have true friends are the lucky ones. My luck comes from Bob, the only person I can call a friend.
Sometimes I wonder why we get along at all. He is the most mellow, laid back person you might ever meet. I was Just different. Opposition, like a puzzle peice, makes for the most interesting interactions.
I got through the day with my pride and my longings for the summer. Just as any other day, I was walking when I was to meet up with Bob, as I have done countess other times. We would find each other walking about the streets at random places shortly after school had signed our release. Mostly, we Just sat on a nearby overpass watching the cars beneath us.
It wasn't all that exciting of a place, it was a place most people wouldn't end up on accident. Seeing how it was so vacant of human presence made it an ideal place for two people trying to escape the culture that condemned them. I can't surely say I was condemned, but I sure felt like I was. I never could understand why someone could be ostrichised from a group he never cared about being part of. I still know it hurt to be excluded on no account of my own merit. I must be fair, if we all we Judge by actions alone we would have no place for the Judgemental trendsetters to make discisions or the mindless lackeys that follow their every command to keep there status.
It seemed like we had each others intuition sometimes. I let myself wander towards the bridge where we would sit. And within a block of my destination, I sensed someone beyond my vision before I could turn around to see who it was.
In a soft mellow voice coming from behind I heard "Whazz up Jay."
Bob, I had a feeling you were following me."
About two blocks now."
Well, I won't ask."
I was saving my words for when I caught you and I caught you. So whaz up."
"I was Just wondering why things don't fall up."
He looked at me, shook his head. "sometime I think you're nuts Jay."
"Am not" I said in my most sarcastic, childish voice. "Hey, whats with that girl I seen you with earlier. She's a hotie. You like her, you going out?"
"Lisa. kinda, She's cool."
"Kinda."
"Long story, don't worry about it."
I'm sure, to some people, that two kids sitting on a bridge must look pathetic. When you don't care what anyone thinks about you, it is easy to face the Judgemental. So there we sat and talked, about his new friend and nothing of real importance. And even these times spent on meaningless discussion had importance in it's own way. Sometimes I Just sit and listen to the words and I can really sense myself feeling that much less isolated, that each word made me feel that much less alone in this world. It makes me think that nothing is without meaning.
It was a lazy afternoon, complete with a gentle breeze and a fading mid day heat. A beautiful day is best wasted outside, so it seems when we sit idle. I didn't mind sitting on that overpass for hours on end, time is hardly wasted when we have so much left. My memories may fade, but this place will always be sacred. It wasn't really much to look at, one small road covered by a somewhat larged one. There was only a sidewalk on the one side. A divider in the middle, and on the other side, there was a short barred fence. Underneath, only small areas were left uncovered and large enough to fit two people. This place has a weird effect on me, being surrounded in concrete, steel, and the passing of cars overhead and underneath not noticing me, it was the only place I could really feel alone, or at peace. It had a sense of permanance and structure that I didn't have, this was my sanctuary. It was something I could depend on, because I knew if I came and leaned on it, it would not tople over. It was nice to think I would always have a friend on the other side leaning back.
We sat on that bridge for what didn't seem like hours, and I doubt I would stay if it did. When you can feel that an hour has passed, it's a good indication that you are no longer having fun. Simple things, like time, resposiblity and eating tend to seem less important or even go unnoticed when there's better things to do. What could I do, except the obvious. I embraced my fate and neglected that which wasn't acknowledged to be important, and ignorance is a great tool to this effect. When we let go of all the things that bring us down, we are free to trully live.
With quite a few unnoticed hours behind us, and our converstaion which seemed to be coming to an end, I had found myself on a Journey through darkened alleys and passage ways. And, as I feel it is a sense of tradition, I decided to discuss our future arrangements for the next day. If we ever really had any at all.
"Well, I see" I said. "Hey, I'm gonna be busy most of Sunday, my dad wants to take me to the football game sunday."
Bob had Just turned his head and said "Is that him now."
I turned my head to see what he was talking about. A crashing sound that seemed to rip through my body overcame me as I saw that which confirmed my fears. I couldn't help but to stand there and stare for what seemed no time had passed. Perception of time is measured only in the number and quantity of a person's thoughts. I had none. I might had stood there for days if Bob hadn't bumped and Jogged passed me. As shelfish as it seemed to me at the time, I couldn't let him get there first. When the thought first came to me, I ran that which only fear could drive, having past Bob in a short three steps. With almost all in my view and in range to see what had happened, I kicked out my feet and grinded my face to the road. I struggled and screamed as I tried to get on my feet as I heard Bob run by. I had limped to my feet, with short stream of blood running down my amrs and face, Just to see Bob running back towards me. Just as I got my body to forward motion again Bob grabbed and held me there despite my struggle to fight it.
"Don't go, there's nothing for you to see."
In what must have sounded like a terrorified scream, "Let go, I won't let him die."
"There's nothing you can do, nothing anyone can do."
I knew I didn't want to see what he had seen, or even to let myself even believe it. I wanted to shelter myself from it, if I didn't see it, it must not have happened. In such a moment we think so much in so short a time. I thought of the terror and pain I felt being so helpless. I thought of all the times we spent time together and the times that he was gone. I thought of what my life was to be without him. But then I realized to myself that I couldn't hide from it forever.
I was compelled to break this grib on my shoulder, to free my self of the guilt of not trying. I refuse to let myself fall victum to fear. Mostly being affraid to be scared. But my fear soon turned to horror as I looked upon this scene. I was hardly prepared for what I saw. A needless death before my eyes, for the man I saw was barely inJured. But the image I saw that would always haunt me, was the splintered glass bottle that was stabbed through his eye, dripping blood into his mouth. Bud light, which he must have been drinking at the time. That moment had froozen in my mind, to which nothing would give me comfort. This comfort is a waste of time when there is misery to dwell on.
I remember my vision going black, my body falling until a sudden crack on my knees. Awaking several hours later in my bed, I want to think of It all as a dream, but I know thats impossible. And how could this be real, reality is only a perception. My only thoughts are of my father being alive. This is not my reality, in my mind he is still with me. How am I to get a firm grip on reality when reality itself keeps changing on me.
Sleep, nature's way of refreshing the mind and body. Endless hours of empty thoughts staring at nothing in paticular, right now sleep would be a blessing. In such a time a nightmare would be welcome, ten seconds of terror and the rest of your life to forget about it. Two and a half days awake, alone, and I was left there with my thoughts. And I don't like these thoughts, these thoughts of worthlessness and lonliness. These are the thoughts that I find so hard to escape from. I almost sickens me to have these morbid visions which only leaves me with the idea of being that much closer to my end, that I have become less then human. Alone am I with a ever shrinking supply of vodka and such visions in my mind that I fear my own thoughts, affraid to be left to the mercy of myself.
I guess I can't expect thoughts of flowers and butterflies, considering. I, for once, had gotten my grip on reality. What the f**k is wrong with me anyway, why can't I accept this. It makes me think if I racked down that demented piece of sh*t that ended my fathers life, and took his in place. Maybe that would help me to realize and accept this. Maybe that would end my waking daydream. Would the walking nightmares end, or Just magnify. What kind of person am I to consider an act of revenge. In the end, knowing that I would become I would become everything that I hate. It's that idea thats what stops me. And I can't deny that he did it to himself, which makes it that much harder. What a waste of life am I, staying alone makes everything seem clear. Nothing short of death can heal me now. For the first time in my life, I am affraid of myself, the one person I thought I could always trust.
One thing about a time like this is the massive amount of people who come by my house and tried to heal me. I wish they wouldn't. Maybe if they were actually my friends before, I might Just talk to them. I wasn't sure I even knew some of them. For some reason, I don't remember putting a large sign on my front porch saying 'come heal me'. Sympathy comes from friends, pity comes from everyone else. I don't have much use for either. Right now, I don't have the patience.
The weekend had ended and I, despite much resistence, pack up and headed off for school. I was thinking I could take some time off of my feelings of desolation and focus on something else. If I didn't feel like an outcast before, I quickly became one. It wasn't that everyone ignored me, it was that nobody ignored me. It seems strange, but think how it would be having everyone stare at you then turn to there friends and whisper Just enough to know they are talking about you, but not enough to know what they are saying. I also quickly realized that this was the wrong place to come to forget. No one would shut up about it. If I hear the phrase "do you want to talk about it" one more time I swear I will punch someone. I had made it to the second class. After getting my third note passed to me, It all got to me. I got up and left, ignoring all the numorous "whats wrong" and "where are you going" questions. You would think they would learn from the previous times I ignored them. Could you believe some girl followed me out. I wasn't gonna stop, I was going home. The last thing I wanted to hear was another person say how sorry they were. I was surprised when she grabbed me on the shoulder and spoke to me.
"You don't have to be such a Jerk to everyone. If you can't handle being with people, you should go home."
I turned to look her in the eye, and tell a string of obscenities that would make a sailor blush. But then I saw the a tearful sadness in her that was only familiar with my own reflection. The site of my own tears Just made me pist, but I saw something their that I never seen in myself, maybe it was a subtle peacefulness. Before I could respond, she began to speak again.
"You are not they only one with feelings, I know what your going through and that doesn't give you the right to do this..."
"THE RIGHT, WHAT RIGHT, you have no idea what it's like."
A tear ran down her face when she said "At least you knew your father, he died before I could speak. Atleast you have a mother that cares, mine left me ten years ago and hasn't come back. Now tell me I don't now what it's like."
I wanted to apologize, I wanted to understand, I wanted to do something other then pause for the few moments that it took her to run out of site crying. It seems I must have been in shock, becuase I knew that she was right about me. She knew exactly what I was going through. She was different though, I saw something in her eye that I was lacking. She had hope. But to be fair to myself, I had nothing to be hopeful over.
In the end, she was right. I shouldn't be with people. I wasn't sure I should be alone either, but my pain is my pain. I gathered myself and a few things, walked straight out of school.
With a small effort and a long walk, I was able to get the situation out of my mind. Nature, it's a great place to be alone or to reflect apon your life. There is no better place to relax and forget about one's own fears and ambitions. The only nature was no less then thirty miles away, To far to go on foot. It's only fitting in an industrial world that I settle for the shade of some overgrowth of trees behind an abondoned house. It resembled more of a long dried up swamp then a forest. I guess by surrounding with decay, I am more adept at ignoring my own. I leaned back a rotten out tree and let the tears run down my face. My thoughts were to overcome me up until the sandman finally brought me down.
Such images of grimm and despair brought me back to a reality Just as horrid as my dreams. With a certain reckless abandon for my own safety, I walk down the road watching drops of rain hit the ground. For what seemed like an hour of aimless wondering, I finally looked up and saw an overpass. It seemed it may be the hope I was so desperately seeking. I was soaked head to toe and I shivered so bad I couldn't hold myself still. My hands were red and I could no longer fell that they were there. It was in fact the same overpass that Bob and I always hung out on, or under. Watching the cars below, I only saw how easy it could be. How little pain there must be in heaven. No one dies in heaven, if you believe, no one dies on earth either. I'm not sure if I really believed, I wasn't sure if I even cared.
I have neither the courage nor the beliveth. It would seem that I can't handle my problems, I piss everyone off and back down from the only cure in my grasp. These are the words that would follow if I failed here as if I didn't find life itself unbearable. In all my confussion, a certain song I remembered came to me. I looked down and counted only blue cars, thinking of all my questions about god. If I went after the tenth car, I couldn't back down each time. How beautiful is blue when not viewed through eyes blurred by that which I can't control. Will anything ever be beatiful again. I had no excuses left.
".....six......seven................eight....nine.........teeee"
"Jay, where ya been."
Bob words scared me to fall back against solid ground. The impact brought a thunder to my body as my back crashed against a cement wall at the opposite end of the walkway. I sat their with my head hung in shame and my hands to the side of my face, I tried to hide the pain like the rain had hid my tears. I sat there and acted like it didn't hurt at all.
"Not now Bob, leave me alone" I screamed in an angry tearful tone.
He Just stood there and said "you know I won't let you do this."
Feeling somewhat cynical I said "you can't stop me, you won't always be there"
"I'm not gonna have to stop you, you don't want to do this."
"How do you know" I said screaming through my hands. "You don't know what it's like. You don't know how it feels to have a father killed in front of you."
"I don't know, but I bet it's like watching a friend Jump off a bridge. I hope I never know."
Endless streams of realizations and empty thoughts filled my mind, yet far from a complete thought. Without the quickest pause, I brought down my hands, lifted my head and exposed my eyes to the world. The timimg of this crossed the path of a vision I got of a cloud hiding a slowly emerging sun. The light was of such a bright nature that seemed to blind my eyes. The overwhelming metaphors this vision made possible was enough to make me realize that life had more in store that I never seen before in such light. I rose to my feet and looked at the world around me.
I guess there are people that care for me out there. As I think about all the people that would miss me if I were gone, so I think, I Just might care about them in return. Maybe I knew and Just lied to myself. I thought it took courage to die, but it takes more to live.
"I'm sorry Bob, I fear my life sometimes. The future doesn't seem as close as they say anymore."
Bob had placed his hand on my shoulder in a gesture for stand, which I did out of no desire to argue. I came to my feet as his hand came to rest on my shoulder, with his arm draped down my back. He casually lead me down the walkway in such a mild manner that I didn't seem to notice his intent, what part of me that did notice must have knew it was the right thing to do.
"Time will ease your pain as it always does. Strength comes in conquering fears. Let's go somewhere else, this place looks dangerous" as he said smiling at me and I was powerless but to smile back.
I can't say for sure why I walked away. I had a realization that what I do effects the world as it affects me. I never seemed to care about that in the past, little surprise it didn't effect me now. I won't exclude the possiblity that I never wanted to go in the first place. But regardless of my ambitions, I had decided not to stop myself. Most likely I think I had a duty to my friend and to myself, or something as simple as having a friend. The more time I spend in the present thinking about the past, the less time I will have in the future for constructive thoughts. Or even constructive thoughts about construcive thoughts. In the end, our thoughts are all we have.
Maybe I didn't want to die, but I still have nothing to lose by holding out for atleast a little while. If I don't wait for what seems to be the truth, then I lose everything. Losing everthing makes no sense unless you have nothing. I wasn't sure that I had nothing left. When I do, then my time is up and I can be sure to accept it.
What is a guy to do when that guy forget some great tragity. There is one sure way to atleast forget for such a little while, even to have a little fun. I did the only thing that made sense, I drank a lot and did it often. For the most part, this worked. Since the funeral, everyday seems to get better. Maybe thats why they have funerals, to give people a chance to let go.
It seems that everyone is less concerned on feeling sorry for me. I'm glad that they stop with the apologies. Everyone had to say I'm sorry atleast once, now that they have the feeling that they did their part. It got me to think, if I let them say their piece, I could then avoid them the rest of high school.
What must have been a about two weeks since my day in the clouds, everything would have seemed so close to normal that they, on ocassion, might be interropeted as normal. Walking down the hall in an all to familiar situation, a hand come acrossed my shoulder. Not such a surprise that a familiar voice was soon to follow.
"Have you gotta down off your high horse."
"Kimberly, I thought you hated me."
"No, I don't hate you. I'm Just intolerant of people acting like Jerks."
"But I'm..."
"Apology accepted."
"No, I mean..."
"Jay, don't beg, It's very unattractive."
I didn't know what to expect from her, but I was a bit curious. She was so unique, I couldn't describe why I was so interested. I tried to act insulted, it came out as a smile.
I gave what I thought was my best puppy dog face and said "You mean I can't even beg a little."
She Just smiled and said "No."
"Okay, if I can't beg, then you can't call me a Jerk anymore."
In a disappointed sounding voice she said "well.......okay, if thats what you really want." She then blew her cover when she failed to hold in a smile.
"Yer such a con, thats so cute, but I'm not easily fooled."
I then saw a smile that was so much more beautiful then words that I chose not describe it with them.
"I'm not so sure about that, I think I can pull one over on you. See, I did it all ready, I made you smile."
I didn't know that I was at the time. I saw something in her eyes that I never seen before, it was so beautiful and tranquil that I was totally unaware of anything else around me.
"I'm sorry about making you cry, if you still would like to talk, I'll try not to be a Jerk"
"I would like that."
We said our goodbyes and I watched her walk away. I try all day to forget about her and focus on other things, but it turns out that I am weak and I have lost control of my mind. It's a special expirence to lose control from time to time. It makes us feel, be it good or bad. It makes us humans.
Through that week, there was a bit of a strange connection between the two of us the likes I have never expirenced. It was mostly an endless stream of what seemed like harmless innocent flirtation. It was always innocent because there is a line you have to cross to get to that point, with such things as bells and whistles, we had always been cut off before it got serious. This appearent inconvience only seemed to make things more interesting. Strangly enough, there was a certain tension between the two of us similiar to a tango. To really get into a tango, you must be of the mindset with the person your with, "I hate you, but I'll dance with you anyway." With all such interactions, it would believe that their was any conversation at all, and there wasn't much. What was there had a certain ease and comfortable feel to it that any possible conversation went off smooth and seemless. On top of all of that, she had great appeal to my shallow side, she was incredibly beautiful. But more then Just that, she made me weak. It was a trait I couldn't but admire.
My life has seemed to straiten up. And seem is a accurate words to describe my situatition. It seems that I'm drinking less then I should, but have no bases on what it should be. It seems I've been having less nightmares, but is two or three a week at all healthy. I have overcome my urge to die, but I'm not sure that it's really gone. Out of the fire and smoke of hell, there is a solidary silouette of an angel. This small bit of hope must be my Kimberly. The hope I saw in her her eyes that day, is now the hope I feel when she is near.
And this is much the same way it stayed. It all had a feeling of perfection that all young love starts out at. I know this perfection, this purity, has to end sometime. The longer it stays this way, the less important it seems when this cycle is broken. Nothing stays perfect for long, in my eyes, it has maintained its innocence long enough to get a hold on me. I see the point of no return approaching me, it is as scary as it is exciting. It's the anticipation thats getting to me. An anticipation that has an unexpected sweetness to it that gives me a certain chill. A chill provoked by fear or one that has is given by fate is not yet clear to me, nor is it important. Or maybe it had already gotten a hold on me and I Just haven't noticed yet.
I was in for another surprise. It had a great deal of importance to me, not Just because of what it was, it had meaning because of who it was from. It came from the heart, it had a value to me that no other object could have. It is ironic that my mother had to be the one who gave it to me.
"Jay, I have something to tell you."
"Can it wait, I have someplace to go, and when did you start calling me Jay."
"Isn't that what your friends call you?"
"Well, yeah, it's Just weird. Can I go now?"
"No, I think you might want this now."
I got all exceited. "I got a preasant, what is it."
I say a sadness in her eye when she told me "It's a gift, it was gonna be a gift from your father, he talked about wanting to see the look in your eye when he gave it to you."
I almost started to cry when I heard this, and I didn't even know what it was. I knew that even if it was a nickel he found on the ground that morning, I would cherish it always.
"He got me a car?"
"It's not a real nice one, your uncles John and George spent the last months getting it to run right, and it's a bit beat up and old. He wanted to spent time with you fixing it up nice. Do you want to see it."
I agreed to and she lead me outside to the garage where the car was sitting. It was the most beautiful crappy car I ever seen. It was three different colors, it had more then a few minor dents and the top had duct tape covering a holes in the top. I didn't care much about that because it was a nineteen seventy mustang convertable. I nearly dropped my Jaw to the ground.
"Your father wanted you to have a fast car that you wouldn't dare reck. I think this one qualifies. This was all we could afford at the time. He had a crazy idea that you would be care of a car that you had to fix from the ground up."
"It wasn't crazy, he was right. Nothing is gonna happen to this car, now can I drive it."
"Here's the keys, be careful."
I must have been halfway down the driveway before she finsih her words. That drive was like no other I remember. The muffler rattled a little and the wind made it whistle pretty loud which was mostly was covered by the noise of the exhuast. The AM radio didn't work, and it was hard to keep running. I had to slow down to take it all in. It was a peaceful ride. It gave me peace driving a car that I know he would have down anything for, but instead gave it to me so he could spend time with me fixing it. There only a few times in ones life that you really feel such innerpeace. I was gonna make this last moment last forever inside me and cherish it while I still had it. I could have swore I felt the pressence of my dad in the seat next to me, but I dared not spoil it by looking. I Just let hiom enJoy the ride.
Seeing how the intend of the car was to be fixed up, I did what I could. A new radio and speakers were a priority. A little chicken wire for the muffler and more duct tape for the top and it's now clean inside and out. A bunch of red spray paint was used to temporarily fix the color problem. It may have looked like a pile of garbage, but I was determind to make it the car my dad never had, it was the least I could do. And life went one with the normal seemingly unimportant events for about two weeks. Right up to a few days before graduation day. As I did every day, after school, I was hanging out with Bob. It seems he doesn't like to let me out of site anymore. We were Just at his house playing each other in some cheesey football game as we often did. It was a normal abstract conversation that usually transpired, that was until the subJect of a girl came up.
"Hey, Jay, you should come see a movie friday."
"Yeah, sure, Just found few dollars under my bed."
"You might want to drive, it might impress them."
"Impress who."
"Oh yeah, you might want to ask a girl to come with."
"What, why, Bob, what are you planning?"
"It's not my idea, it's Lisa's."
Feeling somewhat confused by this I asked, "What does she care if I bring someone with me."
"She doesn't want you to be by yourself."
"So she's comming with us?"
"Oh, by the way, I got a new girl friend."
"Thanks for telling me Bob, hope you weren't planning on keeping it from me."
"Oh yeah, oops."
In what must have seemed like sarcasm, and with the same sincerity of it, I said "Ok, I'm happy for you. Whats she like anyway."
"Cute, fun, smart, bout perfect."
It wasn't so much what he said, as how he said it. It came to confuse me. He spoke in a completely emotionless tone with a smile, and when he talked about her, his eyes never left what they were staring at.
"You've met her before, you know how she is."
"Ok, I'll find someone that will come with me, if that will make your girl happy."
"Kimberly." It wasn't the fact that he knew so much as the confidence in which he said them.
"She won't come with me" thinking that there was an easy way out of this. Maybe it was this fear of her reJection. For every escape I find, someone else finds a way to lock me up again.
"Yes, she will."
"You know this for a fact?"
"Yep."
"Ok, I'll ask her."
"No, you don't have to."
"You set me up, yer a devious one Bob. I hope your happy."
With an evil grin he said "Yessssss I aaaammmmm."
"Alright, you got me, I'm all in."
And that became that. I was lead into a trap and came out stranded. I was weird to think that I was happy about it. Perhaps Bob knew that I would be to shy to find someone I would be happy with. It could have been Lisa that wanted someone for her friend to solve her problems of lonliness and abandonment. Who is to say that Kimberly didn't set this up. A master plan chain reaction to set up a date with someone she liked but, like me, was to shy to ask directly. Despite the possiblities, it was irrelevant how it came about. However it happened, by plan or by fluke, it came out perfect.
The last day of had come that friday. It was a great chance to see all the upper class who had taunted me be leaving my pressence forever. I wasn't bitter, its almost a fact that high school football players end up forty, fat, and bald. It was the phoney goodbye's and 'I miss you's' that really bothered me. It's easy to tell that it's phoney when someone hasn't said two words to you in six months. None of this was gonna get to me, I was getting out of school. It was gonna be a pivot point in my life for more then one reason. None of these were appearant to me at the time, or I Just refused to accept it. Your future is not something often thought about in great detail.
That night I had an awakening to the nature of things, call it an apiphany. I still can't put my finger on it, but I know things are different now. It's mostly my perception of things. Somethings seem better then they were before. Going from two extremes would give that apearance, but I'm not sure thats the case. I think for once that I am trully happy.
The ride there was even an interesting one, well it did to me atleast, I didn't notice anything else. It wasn't the normal conversation that she and I have had before, there was something different. It was mostly the way we talk to each other, like some burden pretension was released from our minds. It was more relaxed and tranquil. It seemed to become so natural that it appeared, in everyway, to be normal. I felt like I wanted to get tied up in the myth of a perfect unspoiled love, but kept that which I know. Nothing is perfect forever. I Just can't help but to think that I might be an exception to this rule. This Just might be an illusion of that which I'm trying to avoid. I find a bit of fear in this, I don't know if I want to avoid this. It Just might be one of those traps that are so wonderful that you never want to excape.
For some odd, undetermined reason, we ended up watching a horror movie. It didn't seem like the ideal place for a date. Can't quit figure out how we came to this conclusion. I think we Just got caught up in our own submissive nature, one suggession and we were all trapped. We were all trapped in a movie that none of had of chosen if we were alone, it's amazing how people are different in groups. I will at least try to enJoy it no matter how cheesy a horror movie it is. Our options were small anyway, it was a date with a small budget in a theatre that never got the best of movies.
Being such a inexpirenced romantic, it was then I finally realized something. I had discovered an untapped resource. Having a beautiful blonde head buried in my shoulder everytime it got slightly suspenceful. What could a man do other then give comfort, and perhaps earn some affection in the process. Thats what I should have been thinking. I wasn't suspose to be thinking about the way I felt around her. I wasn't suspose to feel anything, not wanting to protect and hold her forever.
Those few times I look over my shoulder, Bob and Lisa were making out. I know blood turns some people on, but I wouldn't expect it from them, or a weird side effect of fear. It seemed to me that was what I was expected to do. It wasn't what I wanted, my entire focus was on the girl next to me. She was in a time of need, she wanted someone to reach out to, whether she reached out to me out of convience or out of admiration didn't matter to me. At times it seemed the world had disappeared and were all that remained, or everything existed but we were all that mattered.
When we got out of their, everything seemed exactly like it has always been. Everything was like it was, or it appeared until I found myself holding hands with Kimberly. Maybe I didn't notice because it was so normal. It was all laughing and Joking eating in a fast food resturant. Talking about old times and how we all would remember this day. It is a rare case to enJoy the nostalga of the present. And I can't say it really hit me until later that night when I laid my self to sleep. It was then I began to miss her in my arms and wanted her by my side. It was almost like cuddling with my teddy bear when I was ten, which I also started to miss.
Waking in the morning was an easier process this moring. I didn't awake sweating and sceaming. I didn't take me two hours to get to sleep. There were no tear stains on my pillow from the night before. The best thing about this morning was that I wasn't filled with that I hate everything and wished the world would crumble to dust additute. I laid in bed for a few minutes thinking about KImberly, and with no school left, I had nothing to worry about. And for once long overdue, I had really found comfort.
I had to get up. I had a place to go. I have friends, how few they may be, that are graduating today. It would only be fair of me to see them graduate because I expect to go to their party later. They wouldn't kick me out but I don't want to have guilt later. I doubt I would for some of the brain dead sluts and Judgemental arrogant cocks, but who knows. Putting up with a four hour ceremony to go to a party is a new low, and there's no turning back now, I'm gonna drink tonight.
After a long drawn out name calling, I was gone and ready for free food at various open houses of part time friends. Other then Bob, my best friend in the school was a guy that never pist me off or ignored me. And he was Just a good guy over all. I went over to James Nelson's house because he was a friend and because there was a chance I could sneek a few beers. And it's also were Bob decided to go. I suspect his intentions were similiar to mine.
James meet me at the door and walked me in the house. "Hey Jay, come inside." He got in close and whispered in my ear "Here, take this, there's a fridge full in the kitchen, don't worry, my dad doesn't care."
He handed me a beer and I was powerless but to start the partly early as I slugged it down.
"Thanks James."
"Not a problem, you've always been cool with me."
"You know James, I was only using you for the beer."
"I respect your honestly," he said while cracking a smile. "Care to use me some more." He then throw me another. I then realized that he had gotten a head start on me, and I was Jealous.
I saw so-called friends of mine and I saw so-called friends of his drinking and pretending like I often saw them do. How they would be your friend when you had something to give. I heard these same people whispering and laughing on many of monday mornings mocking the company they shared two days before. Only this time, I don't have to put up with it. Just one more year, I would never have to hear it again.
At first glance, at least to myself, I could be compared to them for being part of the very same activities in which I condemned them. I would like to think that I was different. I never had, and never planned on talking bad about James behind his back, and in some cases stuck up for him. I would hang out with him on those occassions when did have anything to give and sometimes gave back. A kind and generous guy, so bad that I wonder sometimes if he even knew that nobody really cared.
