Pantiums: Let Your Crotch Experience the Future!
From the makers of Strap a Monkey on Your Back comes the newest breakthrough in birth control…Introducing Pantiums! The only pants with 5% actual uranium.
Pantiums work on a principle so simple even the average American can understand it. Sperm causes pregnancy. Radiation kills sperm. Pantiums produce Radiation. Pantiums stop pregnancies. It’s that simple folks.
Pantiums are made of the highest quality. Each unit of uranium is of the top of the line weapon grade. You can’t get better uranium than that for a lower price.
The Pants component of the revolutionary Pantiums comes in a variety of styles including rugged jeans, casual slacks, and utilitarian cargo pants. They come in variety of sizes from small to large enough to fit even Rush Limbaugh (God knows we don’t want him to reproduce).
But don’t take my word for it. Listen to these amazing testimonials:
Dude, pantiums are da bomb. They be the shiznits especially when I get my mack on with my bootilicious bitch (Surly Teenager)
Pantiums have decreased my sperm count to such low levels that I’m not even officially considered a man anymore. Now I am eligible for that waitressing job. Thanks Pantiums! (Confused Tranny)
Pantiums helped me find religion. As soon as I put them on, I saw at least 4 different Gods chanting me to follow them. I’m now the arch leader of the second Moonbeam society. (Enlightened Priest)
I gave Pantiums to my boyfriend and now I don’t ever have to go on the Pill again. Well, I still need it while I’m cheating with his brother. Oh, can you cut that out of the interview? Yeah? Okay thanks. (Thankful Whore)
Yes, Pantiums can change your life and the life of your significant other. Remember, this valentines day don’t buy them candy and flowers buy for yourself or for your better half a couple pairs of pantiums.
(Surgeon General’s Warning: Pantiums may cause testicular cancer, brain cancer, lung cancer, leukemia, gigantisitis, laser beam vision, stomach aches, hair loss, itchy back syndrome, loss of outer layer of skin, diarrhea, thumb cancer, impotence, anemia, loss of vision, implosion of the liver, the creation of a giant race of super-spiders, insomnia, headaches, or death.)