It’s the end of the world...as we know it.
I hate to break it to you, but the world will not be destroyed by the fire next time, or another stupid flood. The earth isn’t going to split open and pestilence, war, famine, and death aren’t going to ride pretty horses into your backyard. The world will die, that’s a definite, but it won’t be due to biblical predictions or spoofed Nostradamus prophesies. Apocalypse will definitely come from one of these possibilities:
1. Too much self-esteem: All those school-age specials about self-worth and the self-help books will take their toll on the American psyche. Soon, everyone will believe themselves are people of actual merit and importance. Trash will pile up on the streets with nobody, with enough lack of regard for their own dignity, to pick it up. All menial jobs will be abandoned. Nobody will drive taxis, nobody will strip for money, nobody will serve you food, and nobody will work under slave labor conditions to sew cheap clothing. Left without a labor force, the world economy will crumble into nothing. As they starve, people will chant, “I am worthy of praise; I am worthy of attention; I am a good person.”
2. It will be discovered that the only cure for cancer is an intake of 10 cans of spam a day. Since everyone wants to extend their lives, spam riots will rock the streets throughout the world. Pigs will be slaughtered and spiced to extinction. Soon, roving bands of Spam traders will overtake the leadership of every country. Families will be split over a few morsels of the precious salted ham treat. World War III otherwise nicknamed the Spam War will destroy all life on this planet. Begin stockpiling today!
3. The Scientologists will be proven right. Xenu will come down and kill those who have not reached the 15 stage of self-realization (Only 12 payments of $19.99). On a tangent, John Travolta’s Battlefield Earth will still be remembered as a movie even a drugged donkey couldn’t sit through.
4. Developed for overpopulated countries a form of music that hypnotizes people into fearing sex will accidentally gain acceptance everywhere on earth. It instills into its listener a phobia of the dreaded kootie virus believed to be found in all members of the opposite sex. Science will flourish to extraordinary levels. Pro: Flying cars and friendly super robots; Con: No more bootie calls, playboy magazines, or urge for continued existence.
5 Two words: Flying Spiders.
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