My People
This page is to extol the greatness of the wonderful people in my life. And also to declaim the horrors of the ones I don’t like. Since I have not yet reached spiritual enlightenment, I see no reason not to be petty.
Jess, Destructo-Girl. Insane, Buffy-obsessed, and quite happy to dance to cheesy music for hours on end, thereby making her a very good person for me to hang out with. Co-creator of MAD (see Mariposa Dictionary) and responsible for making me miss aspects of being in a girls’ school. Likes fluffy things. Future Queen of Bulgaria.
Emily, or Barbie. The requisite annoyingly gorgeous friend. Superficial yet loyal when the chips are down, slightly over-concerned about other people’s appearances but very generous with lending expensive makeup (ditto clothes, were most of us able to fit in the things). Likes to amuse herself with various men but a girls’ girl to the end.
Ellie, frighteningly organised, obsessed with Colin Firth and Oscar Wilde, often extremely sarcastic (but hey, who am I to judge?). Deserves an award for Excellence in Present-Wrapping. Knows too much. Also participant of MAD and the only one of my friends to ever be put in position of authority by a teacher. Future Empress of Russia.
Sian, quiet, with possibly the world’s oddest sense of humour. Genius. Has an imaginary friend called Frederick. Over the years, she has given what could well be considered the most ridiculous dating advice that could possibly be thought up. Once let me write in Biro on her forehead. Is complete lightweight and falls off chairs after three alcopops.
Ham (short for Hamster), aka Rachael, but I haven’t called her that in years. Violent and not good to be on the wrong side of. Aside from that, lovely girl. Likes death metal, Goth clothes and being evil. But in a good way. Was one of my partners in crime when we terrorised the Girl Guides.
Rachel, cousin. Used to be thoughtless party girl, at 19 became single mother to Joshua (D.O.B 1/7/2003), who is adorable. Close when we were kids, now infrequent shopping partners. Has long line of men, a good portion of which are still in love with her. Am envious. Great raconteur.
Rain, internet friend. Gives best advice in entire hemisphere. Has pink hair, lives with bisexual hippy mother and is Greenpeace activist. Fellow pagan. Is member of musical theatre company and has a tendency to sing bad songs very loudly (although very well) down the phone every time we speak. Mad as a brush.
Honourable mentions go to: Bethan, Hannah (bonkers, sings Shrek karaoke medley), Nishma, Liz, Natalie, Mark (bonkers, fruit and veg obsession), Priyanka (Buffy nut), Dawn, Mim. If you think you should be here and you aren’t, complain in writing to the manager.
Jamie, 14. Looks about nine. Maths genius, addicted to computer games, sings along to cheesy songs using an abandoned crutch as a microphone, occasionally puts an oversized blue cushion on his head and pretends to be somebody called Yoric. Does wicked Michael Jackson impression and is funniest kid on entire planet.
Adam. Together for a year, but our engagement is giant secret from both sets of parents. Rabid communist who has plans to take over the world and kill a lot of people. Has a Star Trek obsession which I try to ignore as far as is possible. Is nerd, but is allowed to get away with it because he is very, very funny. Is the only person I work with who can string coherent sentence together. Is extremely cuddly. Hates Central Europe and is father of my hypothetical baby.