Uninteresting Facts About Stuff In My Life
Family
On my father’s side, there are many of us.
Every Boxing Day, we meet up in a church hall. We dress up in silly outfits. Last year the theme was Games. I went as Monopoly. When my brother was little, he put on one of my dresses and went as an elf.
We go to a youth hostel for a weekend every two years. My fifty-year-old aunt slides down the banister whenever she wants to get down the stairs.
My brother does impressions of the following people: Anne Robinson, Simon Schama, Dale Winton, various politicians, Jim Davidson and David Sneddon (basically some of the most appalling people on the planet). Sometimes he pretends to be a leprechaun.
My father eats avocado and prawn mush. Out of choice. He has also eaten anchovy ice cream and tells us it tasted rather nice.
My mother uses the word “floppenshtickel.” (flopp-en-SHTICK-el; exclamatory term)
In the world according to mum, the other three members of the family are called Pad the Pee, Bean Cake and And the Boo. (Guess which one’s me.)
My cousin Rachel is just over five feet tall and her last boyfriend was about six foot eight.
Rachel, said last boyfriend, me and the Spotnik (don’t ask) spent one Sunday in the pub gambling for cigarettes with pornographic playing cards. We’re all going to Hell.
Jess and I sing Disney songs on crowded streets on a semi-regular basis.
Emily plans to marry an Italian Catholic Mafia boss’s son.
Two of my friends once had their pictures taken topless on The Sun’s bus. One (who shall not be named for fear of repercussions) then gave her phone number to a drooling admirer, lined four other drooling admirers up, kissed all of them then gave marks out of ten. Number three won.
Sian has a collection of the stupidest hats in the world. Once I threw the orange stripy one into the sea.
Dawn is engaged to a bloke nobody else likes. He dresses up as a chicken and is apparently fulfilled in his job. On her hen night we plan to deport her.
Adam’s gay boss has a crush on him.
At our sixth form prom, Emily won Most Likely To Marry A Millionaire and Most Likely To Strip Whilst Sober. Sian won Most Likely To Take Over The World, Most Likely To End Up On Crimewatch, Most Likely To End Up An Old Woman With Cats and the I-Won-The-Most-Awards Award. Hannah won the Generally Weird award. Nishma won The Blonde Award (despite being Indian).
Jess became notorious amongst some of my sometime-workmates when she came to the Christmas party with me and they played Shaggy. For months everyone asked after my stripper mate, except Ben, who thought that the reputation was better suited to me.
Adam once accidentally set off the fire alarm in the supermarket. The whole place was evacuated and four fire engines showed up.
Jess’s rabbit used to sit on her kitchen floor and stare at people. Then her brother would pick it up and attack people with it.
Whilst in the Guides, Ham, Weird Jenny and I attempted to get an evil spirit to possess a stuffed Gromit toy.
Neale once called me in the middle of my French lesson and told me what he was cooking for breakfast. Come to think of it, Neale still owes me about three drinks…
For two years I thought I was Rainbow Brite.
Those Look and Read programmes they showed in school scared the crap out of me.
Puddle Lane scared the crap out of me.
When I get drunk, I sing opera. Actually, I sing opera when I’m sober.
At our sixth form prom, I was voted Most Likely To End Up On An Internet Porn Site.
I won silver award at both Junior and Intermediate Maths Challenge. This was done mostly by guesswork.
I have one of the filthiest minds in all existence.
Last Christmas Eve I worked in Sainsbury’s all day wearing fairy wings. I also used to sing at the customers.
I can insult people in the following languages: English, Spanish, Italian, French, German, Greek, Hindi, Latin.
I was in a band called Septic Nephron for all of two seconds.
I own an Aqua album. I also listen to it. I am not ashamed of this.
I went to a girls’ school. Upwards of 80% of my year have kissed another girl (yes, me included) and none are known to be lesbian.
Most girls who go to girls’ schools are really, really horrible.
Most girls who go to girls’ schools discuss their boyfriends’ genitalia with whoever happens to be in the room.
To be honest, a lot of girls who don’t go to girls’ schools will discuss their boyfriends’ genitalia with whoever happens to be in the room.
Some bloke has flown over here from India and is currently trying to find me.