Most of the
following jokes were shamlessly borrowed from
George Carlin and Steven Wright....
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why
do we still have monkeys
and apes?
* Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters
wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?
* If a mute swears, does his mother wash
his hands with soap?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors
call what they do "practice"?
* Where do forest rangers go to "get
away from it all?"
* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they
garnish his wages?
* Would a fly without wings be called
a walk?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
* Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
* If the police arrest a mime, do they
tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
* Why do they put Braille on the drive-through
bank machines?
* How do they get the deer to cross at
that yellow road sign?
* Is it true that cannibals don't eat
clowns because they taste funny?
* What was the best thing before sliced
bread?
* One nice thing about egotists: they
don't talk about other people.
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* If you ate pasta and antipasto, would
you still be hungry?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which
have you done?
* Whose cruel idea was it for the word
"Lisp" to have an "S" in
it?
* Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids"
instead of "asteroids"?
* Why is there an expiration date on sour
cream?
* If you shoot a mime, should you use
a silencer?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so
popular?
* When someone asks you, "A penny
for your thoughts," and you put
your two cents in, what happens to the other
penny?
* Why is the man who invests all your
money called a broker?
* Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
It's just stale bread to
begin with.
* When cheese gets it's picture taken,
what does it say?
* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite
things?
* If horrific means to make horrible,
does terrific mean to make terrible?
* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?
* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would
they call it Fed UP?
* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee
breaks?
* What hair color do they put on the drivers
licenses of bald men?
* Why do they put pictures of criminals
up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't
they just put them on
postage stamps so the mailmen could look for
them while they deliver
the mail?
* If it's true that we are here to help
others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
* You never really learn to swear until
you learn to drive.
* No one ever says "It's only a game,"
when their team is winning.
* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning
would be if it didn't zigzag?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out
her nose?
* If olive oil comes from olives, where
does baby oil come from?
