I don't know what that was about.
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| Special Feature: A look at Tiger Heart's romance, with special guest: Johnny Chan | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| I have successfully managed to pull internationally renowned kung-fu star Johnny Chan (Star of Revenge of the Drunken Master and nothing else, as far as I know) away from his diligent duties of sifting through dumpsters for a matching pair of shoes his size to tell me his thoughts on the romance between Eric and Stephanie in Tiger Heart. I have accomplished this by taking pictures of his face and documenting his comments during certain scenes in the blockbuster hit Tiger Heart (Note: Not really.) So, let's get this underway: | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| A touching scene in which Eric and Stephanie meet for the first time. In this particular capture, Eric is telling Stephanie that he's enthralled about going to college. Stephanie is impressed with Eric's ability to handle words with 2+ syllables, and even though she doesn't know what "enthralled" means, she playfully giggles in approval. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Luckily Johnny had had enough sake to find this scene enthralling himself. Although, he did make a hugging motion and then screamed in a retarded tone, "COME GIVE UNCY JOHNNY HUGS!!" I don't know what that was about. |
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| Johnny's comments: "Awwwww!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| In this scene Stephanie's uncle disapproves of Eric, since he sold his bike after Masked Rider ended. In fact, Stephanie's uncle could very well be happy or dying, since that seems to be the only expression he uses for the entire film, so we'll call it his "acting face." | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Oh, dear. It seemed as though Johnny had realised that it wasn't going to get any better from here, and each following scene would only become more boring than the last. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Johnny's comment: "It's not going to get any better from here, is it? Each following scene is just going to become more boring than the last, am I right?" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Worldwide sexbomb Bradley comes to meet the girl that Eric won't shut the hell up about. In this scene Bradley looks behind Eric several times to see who Stephanie is looking at, because she obviously isn't looking at Eric. About ten minutes later Bradley realises that Stephanie is actually physically incapable of focusing on anything whatsoever, explaining her constant vacant expression. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| This scene made Johnny angry. Angrier than it made me, in fact. Poor Johnny just wanted Eric and Stephanie to stop saying "Hi," to each other for five seconds, but I'm afraid it sent poor Johnny over the edge and he started mumbling something about voices in his pants. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Johnny's comment: "They won't be very *mutter* in the garden! The voices *slurp* second mortgage on my cardboard box! FOR FIFTEEN YEARS *incomprehensible slurring* electricity, IN MY PANTS!" | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| The pinnacle of reality is represented in this scene. Stephanie's top of the line bathing suit was bought from Grattan's Summer catalogue for only 19... OH GODS! JOHNNY! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| This scene sent poor Johnny Chan into a coma that he wouldn't wake from until the next page. Poor, poor Johnny. I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you, you know I'd never do that. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Johnny's comment: Incapable of speech due to his sudden coma, Johnny said nothing of this scene; he merely drooled. Your actions speak louder than words ever could, you brave soul. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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