Ninja the Protector
Ending:

Okay, so, some dude called "Four Eyes" that looks like my granddad has framed Warren in killing Four Eyes' girlfriend. Mike Tien is pissed. God damn pissed. Pissed like a bull that's just had its left nut kicked with a red hot boot worn by Pee Wee fucking Herman... well, he's not that pissed. I mean, it's Mike Tien afterall, and he's always loveable.

Anyway, Mike Tien goes in after Four Eyes armed with half a firework, or something. It's just a blue stick that looks like it might be made of cardboard. Anyway, he successfully beats his way through four henchmen and gets himself shot by Four Eyes. Aw. Warren shows up and kicks the gun on the floor into his hand, which is the coolest thing he's done in the entire film, and kills Four Eyes after an unnecessary struggle. By the way, Four Eyes was supposed to be one of the bad guy's head ninja. Yeah, I know.

Look up there for the ninja ending.

Good Points:

+ Gordon, baby.
+ Uh... Gordon's moustache?
+ Ninja motorcycle mayhem!!

Bad Points:

- It is kind of boring.
- That guy trying to muscle in on Gordon's facial hair territory is just asking for it.
- The plotholes are frequent and shrugged off with some sort of nuclear-powered shrugging machine. With ninja.
In case you're wondering (you are), underneath the splatter apparently says "I hate you." But considering this is an IFD films masterpiece and I'm an ignorant English-speaker, it could've originally said anything from: "Accept this blood sacrifice," to "I like puppies." I don't know why Julia would cut her wrist over liking puppies, but I'm not entirely sure what reason she had to hate Warren so much to cut her wrist over anyway. Yes, that is from a woman cutting her wrist. And this caption is entirely too long.
Manly scamp Mike Tien is a trouble-maker and a playboy. Is he? I'll let you be the judge*
*Hint: eht rewsna si sey!**
**Hint 2: To decipher hint, please stand on head, hold a mirror to the screen and then punch yourself in the face. Of course Mike Tien is a playboy, you stupid tit.
Final Thoughts:

I would happily force my best friend to watch it, so long as he was under the influence of alcohol. That's just how good it is.

5/10

Humour Scale: 2 1/2 Johnny Chans/ 0 Jackie Chans
Note: the author was partially drunk while writing the actual review and creating the first page, and therefore apologises for dodgy layout, but has no idea how the hell he managed to do it in the first place and therefore cannot soberly fix it.
The author does not apologise for offensive content, you shit.
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