Hi i`m Mr. T. the '80's equivalent of Dennis Bergkamp,

here's a summary of my favourite program followed by the jokes.

I pity the fool who doesn't laugh.

Ten years ago a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.

These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.

Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune.

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them,

maybe you can hire the A-Team.

"The local militia in a small non-specific Latin American country are abusing your civil rights.

We`ve got to be there by the weekend, I pity the fool who forces me to fly.

Thanks for the milk Colonel, zzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

"Oh no we`ve been captured and locked in a cabbage factory with a tractor

and a pneumatic pump. "

BA refers to Hannibal saying "He's on the Jazz"

without explaining what Jazz is or it's effects.

10 mins later after developing a weapon of mass destruction and defeating

a whole army without actually inflicting serious injury

Hannibal lights a cigar and says, "I love it when a plan comes together."

The Jokes

1. Three pieces of road, black tarmac, gravel and asphalt are having a few drinks in the pub when the subject gets round to who is the hardest bit of road in town.

Well they all think they're a bit tasty, gravel's done a bit of kick boxing, asphalt entered the ultimate road fighting championship and black tarmac was "Cock o' the North" at his school in Rawmarsh.

So after a few more drinks asphalt decides that to settle it he will fight the next piece of road material to enter the pub. So he puts his can of Shandy Bass down and swaggers towards the door. Just as he gets there his face turns white and he starts to quiver with fear.

"What's the problem?", asks gravel. "I can't fight him!", shouts asphalt just as a piece of red tarmac walks into the pub.

"Why?"

"Cos' he's a cycle path!!!"

2. LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES.....READ THEM OUT LOUD

That's not right. Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive? HuYu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP. Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man Dum Gai

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift. Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu MunChing?

This is a tow away zone. No Pah King

Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

You are not very bright. Yu So Dum

I got this for free Ai No Pei

Please stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?

They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu

3.Subject: Research

Yesterday, scientists from Health Britain issued a warning that men should moderate their beer consumption, as recent tests had found the presence of female hormones in beer.

To test the finding, 100 men were each made to drink 10 pints of beer. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologise when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

4. A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.

By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

"Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

5. "Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."

Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989.

6. Life

At age 4.....success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 12....success is...having friends.

At age 16....success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20....success is...having sex.

At age 35....success is...having money.

At age 50....success is...having money.

At age 60....success is...having sex.

At age 70....success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75....success is...having friends.

At age 80....success is...not peeing in your pants

7. The Camel

A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

8. Language barrier

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

9. Doctor, doctor......

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "O" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Oxford and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Oxford sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "C" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Cambridge and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Cambridge sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Manchester?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Warwick. Why do you ask?"

10. Show off

A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the counter, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent." The bloke reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The man says, "Gimmie 3 boxes."

"You`ll have to give me all the details afterwards" says the chemist as he hands over the pills.

"No problem", replies the man as he leaves the shop.

So the next day the man walks back into the chemist's, right up to the same bloke, pulls down his trousers and says "have a look at this". The chemist looks down and sees that the man's willy is black and blue and bent at a strange angle.

The man says, "I need a sling." The bloke replies,"A sling?. You can`t put your dick in a sling!"

The man says, "No, it's for my arm. The girls didn't show up

11. Olympic spirit

A man is out shopping one day and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Impressed, he buys a pack, goes home and announces his purchase to his wife.

"Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?" she asks.

"There are three colours," he replies, "Gold, silver and bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold, of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really? Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

12. Pearls of wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the F**K alone will you.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car loan payments

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not your sport.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will have an excuse to sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone £50, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. Don't worry, it only seems perverse the first time.

20. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

24. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Agree or lose. Neither way involves listening.

26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28. Never miss a good chance to shut up

13. Old cow joke

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids ? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then an elderly woman walked by. "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed but she declined his offer and walked off across the field.

A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer.

"That was Thora Hird" replied the passer-by.

14. Go on I dare you...

OFFICE DARES

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed screeching when cornering.

2) Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the bathroom at the time).

3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and yell at the "voices" to stop.

6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "mmm I know.....".

8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS DARES

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times, proclaiming, "Amazing, truly amazing".

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

5 ) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their desk and chair into the elevator.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and shout, "Ow!".

8) In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

9) Carry your keyboard into your boss' office and sing "Ebony and Ivory".

10) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What? ""Never mind, it's gone now".

11) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I wish I could tell you".

12) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

4) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming your desk.

16) Hang a eight-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants. Act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

15. A Cat's Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time....Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.........

16. Family Misfortunes

The following are ACTUAL answers given by contestants on "Family Fortunes" in the UK.

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a famous brother and sister - Bonnie & Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a number you have to memorize - 7

Name something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Name something you put on walls - Roofs

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings

Name something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Name something associated with the police - Pigs

Name a sign of the zodiac - April

Name something slippery - A conman

Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish

Name a jacket potato topping - Jam

Name a famous Scotsman - Jock

Name another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones

Name something with a hole in it - Window

Name a non-living object with legs - Plant

Name a domestic animal - Leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N' Knee

Name a way of cooking fish - Cod

Name a famous royal - Mail

Name a dangerous race - The Arabs

The seven dwarfs got to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience and, as they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son" says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd questions, thinks for a moment and answers "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome"

In the background the other dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in the whole of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe"

This time, the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says "Mr Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world"

The other dwarfs collapse in a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting....

"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

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