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what do you do when you are only staying alive for one thing? what happens if that one thing leaves you? do you cope? what about just ending it all? right now my current mindset is swaying to stopping the hurt. you ask "what does that mean?" well if you have NOTHING to live for and you are so tore up inside you would actually put thoughts of death in your head, you are pretty screwed. how are you supossed to find happiness when the thing that makes you happy doesn't want to be around? pretend things will get better? i say no. if you have nothing to live for, dont be alive.
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i absolutely hate mass media. i espescially hate tv. i hate what is did to me and i really hate what it does to family life. people actually get in hXc fights about what to watch. seem odd? i think so
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12/18 3:35 am
every time i hear sirens and flashing lights i think either it is for me or it's for some one i love. as i was working on the site tonite i heard and i saw, and the only thought in my head was "my house is on fire, i am dead, i don't even no it. is this being self-centered, or do i am just that sad. each time the sirens aren't for me i am a little sad, and i wish (most of the time) it was me. this leads me on to another thought. in my head there are different types of people on this earth. there are the people that will stop dead in their tracks to check out a wreck/disaster, just to "know" stuff. there are also the type of people who stop dead in their tracks because they are actually concerned about the persons involed. the 3rd type of person is the person is mad because some "idoit" made traffic stop. and the last would be the person who pretends to be one of the top three but secretly wishes they were the one dying. you can know every thing about a person by one of these classifacations, the thing to consider is which one are you?
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12/23 1:01am
god, christmas is fastly approaching. i am trying so hard to be happy, but i can only be so fake before the smile starts to fall and i become myself. i want to be happy. i want to be with you. i want to have peace. but instead i beat myself up, save the blood and then recycle it. i am trying so hard to stay here, but i just want to leave. i look at you and i see that you are content/happy and i am no where around, i hate myself for ever making you sad. god i hate myself for being like this. i feel like i am standing in the most crowded room in the world and i feel like i am alone and hurting and there isn't but one person who could even see me. i know that i have people who love me, and i hate such irrational thought. i am not alone but i am. the 'holidays' that is such crap. i just want to hide in my room until all the materialism goes away, i hate working retail. you know it's a good thing no one reads this stupid crap. which leads me to another thought, why do i even waste my stupid time with 'impossible feelings?' i am just really fooling myself. even my friends dont check this, i am a fool. here is something i wrote a while ago.........
life's funny like a mute preacher
life's funny like a comedian with a fake smile
life's funny like a blind president
life's funny like an olympian with one leg
life's funny like a deaf teacher
life's funny like a reporter who is told what to say
life's funny like a war vet. treated like a "baby killer"
life's funny like a hippie with a suv
life's funny like a kid with no imagination, just television
life's funny like an infected doctor
life's funny like a pregnant teen
life's funny like a divorce after 30 years
life's funny like a disease from sex
life's funny like an artist with an "image"
life's funny like an abortion or a hunger child
life's funny like AIDS
life's funny like cancer
life's funny like eMTyV
life's funny like "democracy"
man life sure is funny..........
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i wish there was a word to express my discontent for life. hate just doesnt seem to do it justice. i really dont know how many times i can actually ruin my own life.
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every night i punish myself, how? by living. the really sad thing is i would be doing everybody else a favor my just checking out....why does it have to be like this? i dont even exsist....i am just a passing memory, and all i can hope for is that it is a pleasant one. just tell me i dont matter if i dont because i am hurting..............
