well i haven't ramble in over two months, alot can change. alot has changed. i find that i am not nearly as creative as i should be if i am happy. it is almost like i have to be depressed to enjoy creativity. i know, it is weird and also very sad. well i have finally quit stupid best buy. it rules! i am now assist. manager of TILT! it is an arcade, i love it. tonight after band practice i went to this party with some of my more lame preppie friends, i hated it. to me kids and alcohol are the worst things in the world when combinded. i sat in the corner by myself just watching all these empty people talking loud and with lots of spit and little structure, it was depressing. i kept thinking "is this fun, is this youth, why do kids do this?" drinking is so dumb, i mean dont get me wrong i love loud stupid people who get sick and say stupid things but come on...getting drunk is lame. very lame. i have no problem with people drinking, but drinking to get drunk is dumb, especially on a tuesday.
well i have been working on actually themed series of stencils called "violence." there are 6 stencils in the series, so far i have completed 3, each stencil is about 12in wide and 3ft tall, at least that big. the first in the series is a "mob" looking man shooting a gun, the second is the result....two dead parents and a child watching. the third is a man shooting a 12gauge shotgun, the forth is another mobster, the 5th is a drunk/homeless/drug addict, the sixth is his child. i am super into the style and idea behind them, i have never done a series before so we will see how this goes.
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it is certain.....
there are going to be certain days you just don't want to wake up
there are going to be certain nights that you wish didn't end
you will most certainly get your heart broken
there are going to be certain people you can't help but hurt
certain drugs will make you sick, and others that heal
certain times you will wish to be dead
on one certain day you will die, so don't push it.
certain holidays you will always remember because it was "the worst ever"
certain times in your life you will have to ask mom for money, sometime she will say "no"
after so long you will certainly feel betrayed and then a moment later aided (probaly by one certain person)
certain music will touch your soul and change you forever, other music will make you sick
it is certain you will know hate, but just hope you learn what love is
of this much i am certain.........
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1/24 2:11a / 1/25 2:14a
what is about myself that sends me into a period of self-loath? lately i find myself pondering my existence. why am i here? why do i exist? my hope is that at the end of my life i will have done some good in this f'ed up world. i hope that at my funeral people can say that i am truely missed because i contributed to their lives. right now, today....i feel like all i am is a fading memory. "christoph, i think i used to know a dude named that......" that phrase echoes in my head 24/7. what is the point to all of this? why am i going to school? all of this seems like a waste of time. my life seems like a waste. writing this right now is a waste. why do i continue?
*this passage i decided to censor...sorry 3/28/05*
my guts sure look weird hanging out of my body.....not at all what i thought they would look like. i am an idiot, i care for people who i either can't touch or people who hate me. what the crap am i doing? i am so dicontent right now. what does it all mean?
my parents left for africa today. when i said goodbye to them i started crying. they have talked alot about their WILL and what is to be done with their money and possesions. i am afraid i may not get to see them again.
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1/12 4:40a
man this is an unfathomable hour to be awake. the odd thing is i dont really want to sleep. i know if i go to sleep i am just going to dream. it's not that i am afraid of nightmares, i just hate dreaming about things that are intangible, mainly people. it seems like alot of people are finding happiness, and i am just sinking with a beautiful but fake smile. trying to be happy sucks. i am trying to be different, trying to forget, pretending not to care anymore, trying to change what i think about, but it isn't working. all of my senses are telling me to run and get as far away from the past as i can. i want to get away from all the familiar smells, sounds, and feelings that remind me of so much hurt. it is so hard to be in my house. i have been spending alot of time at my friend rob's place, it helps but i need some place to crash without being reminded of how bad things got. what to do? it is really hard to know some one hates you, the pressure is intense. part of you wants to hate them back, part of you wants to try and change their mind, and still yet another wants to ignore everything and just burn it all away.
i hate missing people. it is bad enough to just not have them around but to feel incomplete because you don't see them anymore sucks. i hate missing friends the most. andrew, where are you? emily, how are things going? audra, what have you been up to? casey, how is the church? mel, how is the new niece? the list goes on..... what do you do to fill the void? get more friends? no that never works, cause the new friends can never compare and they will probaly annoy you. i really miss my friend andrew. he was more like a brother. i hate that he isnt around. i hate the last time we spoke. and i hate missing him. caring about some is tough, but missing them is the worst. but what can you do? if you really care about some one you cant forget them, all you can do is suffer, and hope to see them again some day.
school started. i have went to 1 class so far. i would have went on tuesday, but i went to the wrong buliding. what an idiot. i missed the first meeting of my econ. class. way to start off the semester christoph..... i hope i dont suck it up like last semester.
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blood. bone. teeth. hair. new years....
stupid this is....what is new years? defined it is "January 1 observed as a legal holiday." that is it. a holiday. well it means nothing to me. in my opinion it is a day for people to party, and hope that the next year doesn't suck as bad as the former one did. for me it is just a day, and after it is passed i will be the same and so will everyone else, despite their "resolutions." well you might say "it's a day for me to get away from my problems." i tried to escape certain things this year, but like a hammer, it came down and nailed me to my problems. so toss that concept. new years is just a phrase, and means nothing. all it is just a concept, that same concpet defines much of our culture. forgiveness, only a state of mind. love, state of mind. compassion, another state of mind. if you closed your eyes from 11:45pm until 12:07am you would not feel any different. i guess what i am saying is if you are going to change or be different do it on your own, get away from society and their feeble ideas/concepts. because it is just a state of mind. i dont know what i am getting at, but i just had this stuff on my mind.
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