As our population increases so do the  chances that this crime will rear it's ugly head.

Worry  no more! 

Instead of carrying a dangerous firearm which could back fire and hurt YOU, carry a $20 bill and pretend to recognize your attacker(s). Say things like "Hey, I know  you. (laugh) God, how have you been? Hey here's that $20 I owe you...Gotta go! I'm late for the Policeman's ball. In an instant an ugly scene is avoided and not only have you left a career criminal confused, but you both have a story  you can tell your grandchildren for years to come.

Home-Invasion Robbery

"Breaking & Staying for  Breakfast"

  When confronted by an armed robber in your  home, stay calm. 

Invite him in with small talk. "Hey can you stay for
some tea and toast?" That sort of thing. It  is important to make him feel at home. Share photos of your family,
Ask him if he'd like tickets to the Policeman's Ball next week. It is crucial you gain his confidence.

THEN break out the toaster and bread. Insist he try out your new bathtub (it also helps to have bath salts/bubble bath on hand. While they are soaking in the tub, plug the toaster in the bathroom socket and drop the toaster INTO the bathtub. Ouila! Another poached Robber. Ha Ha! And  he thought he was having toast! Be sure and call the police right after this happens.  My friend Philly did this and was so busy calling all his friends to boast about what he did 7 hours went by before he called the cops. He was almost  indicted for Murder.  Can you believe it?

CAR JACKING

ALWAYS surrender the vehicle. But not before mentioning that your brakes just failed. Comments like "Yeah, take it. I've got 8 outstanding warrants and that thing with that 14 year old isn't helping me."  Another thing that works is "My gas gauge doesn't work . Just keep filling it up. That sucker really fools you." If you can ask them to drop you off at the Policeman's Ball even better.  Don't insist though, only if it's on the way.
       

STORE ROBBERY

   Always carry a $20 bill. Pretend you work for a famous Rapper or Movie Star (Bruce Willis?) and you are looking to  hire a bodyguard to start at a six-figure salary. Don't forget to mention health benefits. This happened to my friend Philly when he used to work for Steven Segal. In fact he  was able to delay the robber long enough for the police to arrive. Phil felt so bad for the robber that he wrote him at the Prison for years. In fact Phil said he will be  getting out in May. Just in time for the Annual Policeman's Ball.     
NOTE:  Again Jewelry Heists are tricky. These guys are professionals. Instead of $20, be sure and carry at least $500. You don't want to embarrass yourself.

Philly's Uncle Remo Gooloo

PHARMACY HOLD-UPS

If you are an Innocent Bystander then strategy should be
applied. If however you are a  pharmacist don't bother with the tickets to the Policeman's Ball.  It never seems to work with pharmacys. GIVE UP THE DRUGS! In fact give him all the drugs, but try and stash a few for your own personal use. Better yet, offer to do the drugs with him. 
Lock-up early and invite him to join you in the back for some coffee and Vicodin Shooters.   If nothing else you'll make a friend.  Avoid using words like "recovery" and "12 step program". He may catch on. This actually  happened to my friend Philly 's Uncle Gooloo before he lost his Pharmacy License in Rochester.

  Uncle "What the %&$* is this" Vito

PIZZA DELIVERY ROBBERY

If delivering a pizza and you are confronted by an armed
robber by all means GIVE HIM THE PIZZA. In fact give him the keys to the '78 Gremlin. Be polite and offer your uniform and if he asks about  tickets to the Policeman's Ball convince him he wouldn't really  wanna go.  Those tickets are hard to come by and you don't want to give 'em away like candy. 
NOTE:  I really didn't want to put this last one in. My  friend Philly asked me to. I think his
new job at UncleVito's Pizza and Gun Shop is making him paranoid. - nm '99 (c)

Gunning down to Palm Springs soon? Would be a crime to miss this one.....

Suggestions? Need Tickets to the Policeman's Ball? E-Mail Officer Fat Sally