My Dad loved to fish although in his later years, he did not do much of that because of his health. He loved to eat seafood (especially shrimp) & travel. His favorite place to go was to Orlando, FL. He was a kid at heart & loved gadgets & Walt Disney World. "It's a small world" was probably his favorite ride there, which was also a favorite of his Mother's. Every year, he made a big effort to make sure we went on a family vacation, even though he hated to spend money frivously. He just wanted to make sure we had a good time. He liked to see everyone happy. I will forever hold in my heart, the memories from the family vacations. He has no idea how much they meant to all of us. He also was an avid gardner. It was his passion. His garden & yard were so beautiful. Everytime I see a flower now, I am reminded of him. And I get sad sometimes. Then I try to remember the peace he feels now & freedom, not constrained by a disease. Then I try to be happy for him. I can see him living in a huge garden, surrounded by perfect climate & colors so vivid & beautiful, that he feels he is truely in paradise. I believe he is in his perfect garden with his parents, who he missed incredibly. I think once in awhile, he probably peeks in on us & most of all, my son, Hayden. He loved that baby deeply & only got a short time to meet him. He had waited for years for a Grandson & was ecstatic when he knew Hayden was coming, & after he arrived. When he was dying at the hospital, he kept asking to see Hayden. I brought him to him, but we were only allowed to have him at the doorway to his room. My Husband, Shawn, held him up for him to see & a big smile lit up his face. The part that makes me very sad whenever I think about it, is that Dad was looking forward to Xmas, to share with Hayden for the first time. He always said that the smile & expression on the little ones' faces at that time, was priceless. He died short of Xmas & won't be here for his first one. I wish he had just been able to hang on until it was over, because he was looking forward to it so much. I think he is watching & smiling in his garden at everyone. There is so much that I never got to say to my Dad that I could never get out. Even in his last day off of life support at the hospital, I could not find the words to express the love I felt for that man. I just could not get out of the shock that he was going to die that day (He actually held on until later). I felt more grief for my Mother, who would be alone now, after being with the only man she had ever loved, since they married in May of 1968.
I was not sad for my Father at the very end of his life. He made peace with the fact that he was dying & I think he realized his pain was over. He never showed fear. He was the most courageous man I have ever known. If he felt fear or sadness, I never saw it. When I had to say good-bye, I could barely speak through the tears. I told him that I loved him & he said," I love you too". He held my hand & kept looking over at me, from other people around his bed, knowing I was sad. He would smile at me & squeeze my hand. Then he said, "I'll be alright, Mindi" I said, "I know", because deep inside I knew he would. But, I could not get over the thought of all the future memories with his new Grandson, that he'd waited forever for, that would never come. Then I said, "This isn't goodbye, but see you later." & those were the last words I ever spoke to my Father. If I could of stayed by his deathbed, there is so much more I would of told him. But, I think he knew.
In my heart, he will always be my Daddy; The one who helped me learn to ride a bike, the one who took me all over the country & showed me all kinds of things. The one who taught me how to fish, how to love & respect myself, how to take care of plants & how to drive. He was the one who stayed up late, worrying when I was out. The one who accepted me unconditionally & loved me, regardless of what I did. He was the one who gave me superman rides in his arms, when I was little until I got too big, who provided his family with everything we needed & more, who held me when I cried & thought noone in the world cared about me, who took me trick or treating, who taught me how to peel shrimp, then eat alot of them, who helped me with Tae Kwon Do & was there for every event, who bought me my first car. He was even the one I went out drinking with on occassion & shared a laugh with over beers.
He was never good at expressing his emotions & at times I resented him for not showing them more. But, now he is gone, I realize that he showed his love in other ways. That inside him, was a gentle, quiet & loving soul, who loved everyone around him unconditionally & would of done anything for them within his power. Deep inside him was alot of love, that he shines on somewhere else now, like a brillant star, with the gentleness of a breeze blowing through his garden, which flourished beautifully because of the love he put into it. He did everything with love & compassion. Bless this gentle soul, that showed me unconditional love & some of the best times I have ever had. I love you Daddy, unconditionally, which is how you loved me, & will miss you forever.
page 2 for my Father
