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3/29/04

it's been busy...^_^
not quite sure where most of my time lies...
pictures are up!
go to the insight page [?] i think
and where it says airplane, and cali love...haha...yea they are pictures from the airplane :P b/ci was so excited when i stopped at dallas...
my home state ^_~ texas pride dayammmn straight.
haha i bought this shirt that says "don't mess with texas I dallas" waaahsup!!
me <--dork...

mm...i saw iceskating guy again...he gave me the cutest smile and wave. i melted...
i'll just never let him see that i do. cause i can't. cause i'm not ready for any relationship...
i never realized how quickly things can begin and the next minute i've started something i can't stop...
so i just...keep this all to myself...

it's so silly...i'm not used to seeing the guys again after i name them...mostly b/c i can't usually recognize them...
so when i see my iceskating guy i'm caught speechless and i don't know how to act...
-_- it's unfair. i think he's the first one i wanted to try becoming friends with...b/c he's the first one i recognize! hahaha...
wait he's the first one that says hi to me too...

....most of the other ones i never see again [?] waffle guy...computer lab guy...student center guy...cali guy...
well cause ...they never really came up to talk to me...i mean they did...wait ...
-_- for like a minute... *confused* grr...
well....sigh. i feel bad...just b/c i don't know how to act...just b/c i'm scared...all the thoughts they'll never know...

it's silly but i feel this is how i've been all my life and i only become more so...
i never knew what to say to guys when i heard they liked me...i pretended i didn't hear about it...or guys who asked me out... cause i never know if they ask out every girl they see...or if they say the same things to every girl they meet... i just kinda think it'll all work out when it's right.... but i'm always running from guys i think i could fall for...just because. all of these questions enter in my mind and ultimately...
it ends up the same. they're not the one for me. they could never be the one to protect me or run after me when i'm scared...
but how do i know? i don't know.

i hate that i sound so insecure and fearful...i've been trying to become more confident...haha i guess it's not working ^_^ most of the times i try not to concern myself with these subjects...
i just try not to think about it.

sometimes i wonder why i can't just date a guy like other ppl do. it's b/c i don't accept the world's definition of love. i can't accept something so superficial as being a part of my life. i can't date cause i'm afraid of hurting the guy. i refuse to lead a guy on, even if it's to give him a chance, then he has to offer me friendship...pure friendship.
iono i'm confused.

it's funny b/c so much of my life i've spent dreaming of my "perfect guy"...or how it would feel like to be with him...
and all those feelings are just gone. even though i'm not crying from my last relationship, these are the ways it's affected me.
i am that scared to get into anything close to a relationship...

it...doesn't seem fair sometimes...
b/c all my life i've tried so hard to avoid all the "bad guys" only to end up dating them in the end...it makes me wonder if any guy i date just turns out to be a bad guy...which is why i've just kind of given up...

no more silly crushes...no more anything...
i don't crave holding a guys hand anymore...that was taken away from me. don't crave being held or written letters to...
it's sad i think...to not have those feelings anymore.
i think i'm just numb...and maybe it's finally good for me.

no more dreaming about silly tickle fights with a guy i'm crazy in love with...or walking at night holding hands on the beach...no sitting in bed reading books together or sharing an icecream sundae...no more dreams. i'm spent.

i guess thats why this whole year i just want to spend away from guys. whenever i give a guy a chance i just set myself up to be hurt. i see all of my friends in relationships and they're always hurting me...it breaks my heart.

i have to become a bad girl in order to get a good guy ^_^ hahaa...i'd really rather not...
i'm really happy right now ^_^ genuinely happy...

haha even tho i spent an entire entry with my theory on guys again. i guess i think about this a lot. i was brought up on fairytales where a handsome prince would rescue me and take me away...but that never happens.

*siGh*...i just want a hammie :)
no complications.
whee!

if anybody finds me a cute guy who loves hammie and reading and taking long walks at night and lying on a towel under the stars and eating massive food while playing it with me and building sandcastles...
....is that too much to ask? hahaha....

*muAh* it's all good..betty said that she'll marry me ^_~ hahahahaa
with love
-becki



3/18/04

i realize once again i must offer up an apology and ask for forgiveness. to those who i've held bitterness to. to those who i haven't been strong enough. to those who put up with my temper when i'm stressed. to those who see me at my worst...when i'm weighed down with all of my cares. when i'm too confused to know how to care or want to care or try to care.

i've made a lot of mistakes. i haven't grown up enough. i'm not perfect. but am hoping to amend the mistakes i made.

i still embrace the times when i can write or play and be silly :) and helen teases me saying i act like i'm 5...or when i rave incessantly about boys and people think i'm boy crazy ...or i'll stress over homework saying i'll stay up all night doing it.

but i guess i can do that sometimes...because inside i know i've grown up...and with guys i take steps back rather than go forward...with schoolwork i know i need to work hard so i can be in the position to help others. at times i feel like i'm a contradiction...but if you know me, really know me...i'm both...

i can't be serious all the time, it's not in me...i love being able to act little when i can ^_^ and talk about food because i love food...where i can bounce around with my stuff animals and burrow my face in their fur incessantly :) and sing songs that i make up on the spot for my own pleasure or for the pleasure of hearing my roomie say "becki...what are you doing??" *huge grin* but sometimes i need those times where i can reflect. and know that i have grown up ...the times when i'm serious or when i'm walking by myself...to know that life has shaped me in some way and is molding my experiences...

i think it's so silly when i talk about boys b/c that's how i grew up with my best friend ^_^ but it also keeps me at a safe distance from guys b/c if i'm always liking another guy i'm unreachable and not serious enough to be considered a girlfriend. it helps protect my guy friends and it helps protect me. and plus i'm shy...really shy with guys although i appear to be confident...in all honestly...i don't really know if i'm meant to be with any guy...and that's what helps me keep my distance from them...besides my being socially awkward... i'm afraid of falling for a guy...and not being able to love others as i can now. guys are ...really shady and it scares me sometimes. because i can't tell. because i'm not ready. i could tell you what kind of guy i want a million times and fall for the guy who i'm not supposed to be with. things turn out so wrong and i make the mistake over again. daisey was right...all of my mentioning guys is my barrier. so no guys will fall for me...so i won't fall for any guys... so i can focus on what i want to do with my life...so i can become stronger. as for schoolwork...i really screwed up freshman year...and all of this time i've had to deal with the question of whether i can do the work or not. now that i know i can pull A's...i know i can't screw around anymore b/c this is the path i am on for a reason. my uncle said "rebecca, if you want to help others, you must first put yourself in the position to help others" and this is what i want to do. ...i can't do it if i slack off. i can't do a lot of things if i don't focus. and ...ahh i'm gonna sound like a big dork :) but i really like some of my classes...like philosophy...i can't imagine not learning about Socrates or reading the works of Plato...or economics...i finally somewhat understand what's going on in the news ^_^ hahaa..."so that's what fiscal policy is!" err. yea that's not my most intelligent learned concept from economics :P shhh...i'm still working on it ^_^

ahhh it's 12:27am....i need to sleep for work tomorrow ^_^ haha...so how come all of the men in my life that i adore are under the age of 7? ;)

ooh. i got caught up researching whether i want to buy a palm pilot ^_^ researching the : palmOne Tungsten T3 PDA...cause i want to take notes while typing when i'm in class....

and my new thing! working out at the gym while studying...hahaha...i'm actually rather involved when i study at the gym ...it's kinda like i'm in my own world and being healthy [?] at the same time...so i can eat more!! yay!!!! whee! i'll be back saturday :) with many pictures to share..will update when i have a chance and DSL is working...if not...

i . love. you. ^_^

*muAh*
-becki

[before] it's sometimes hard to be in a place where the weather is perfect every day knowing that it's snowing where i came from. it's easy to get lost in the utopia here and forget all of your worries and cares. there are people crying every day where the matters are bigger than a scrape on your knee when you fall. it's easy to forget the world you seem to leave behind only to return to it in a couple more days.

when life seems to get rough again...when you get overwhelmed. when the sun hides its face from you no matter how hard you try to look for it. i think i wrote about this before....but i'll write about it again just b/c it's my favorite imagery. at the airport in dallas texas before i was about to take off...it was rainy, and dark and clouds filled the sky. as the plane took off and we reached beyond the clouds...the rain...the darkness.... the sky was blue. perfect. untouched. there was a cluster of clouds over the place we were before, but the world....x amount of miles above the earth... was beautiful.

...it's not about those cloudy days. it's about perspective. our views are often so limited to the world that we see from earth...we fail to look at the big picture...that there are only a few clouds that stand between us and the perfect blue sky that exists above them. it's a lot like God and how the worries of the world often trouble us without us looking to the clear skies he has for us...

just make it through the day...

look at the clouds and realize there is beauty that exists beyond them. it is a beautiful ...absolutely gorgeous day ...every day.



3/17/04

[3.13.04] so i spent the day taking my lil cousin bikeriding over to my cousin's house where she has this huge trampoline...hahaa so i was jumping on the trampoline & the lil ones ;) mad cute when you see lil ally jumping and giggling every time she takes a fall...i have so many pictures i want to show to everyone....

lil ally is now two years old...she talks a little bit now...i can't believe how fast she's grown up...all i remember is holding her as a baby and rocking her to sleep...it's crazy :) i adore her so much...

she loves "backetbaw" or she'll laugh as i put her blanket on her head & ask "where's ally?" and lift the blanket up again ^_^ but i still remember finding her in her crib crying when she was 8 months old and playing peekaboo while she was just learning how to crawl...

haha...is this what it feels like to watch you lil ones grow up? :) i think that's why she likes the game peekaboo so much...she'll follow her brothers as my lil man max knocks beside the door asking "where's becki?" and she'll knock beside him asking "where's becki" and then she'll jump out and shout "boo!" and you have to say "ahhh!!" so she'll laugh and do it all over again... my day is very repetitious ^_~

max wanted to sleep in the same room as me tonight so he was all set up with his sleeping bag but right now i'm working on my paper for exploring teaching so i think he's given up haha...

i always adore it here...full day of work tomorrow...w/love

-becki



[3.14.03]

it's hard to update b/c the DSL line only works every few minutes ^_^ so i write my entries when i have time to reflect at night after all the children go to sleep...

i'm in shorts w/ record highs of 84 degrees in california... i can't believe it's snowing in new jersey [?]

spent the day on the huge trampoline, playdough with max, and we played with our bears [haha...i know..shh! *our* bears]

i was actually his "magic alarm clock" and we went to space and ran away from "anglefish" he calls them in the wiggle ocean using dolphins to run away and water ski...haha :)

then i read books to them & we ended the day watching american idol. lil ones are cute...max is so imaginative he takes me on whatever journey he can dream of.

ally loves to imitate me and max so on the trampoline when we're bouncing up and down, she's running around and i'll say "oh no! we need to escape from the evil anglefish! oh no!" she'll say "oh no!" or we'll be flying with our arms lifted and she will too...

or when i sit down while max and sammy are jumping she'll sit down in front of me haha and make all of the funny noises i do...it's soooo funnie....

i'm still amazed at how fast she's growing :)

with love

becki



[3.17.04]

i think God made me stronger so I could help lift up other people when they feel they are not. It is what He's given me so other people could be strong again and lift up other people. And when i feel i'm not strong enough, He takes me to a place where children are...and i am renewed by their innocence. their love. their pure nature.

i know in the profession i choose to be in the future, i want to be just that. it is why i am drawn to nursing, therapy, or some other medical profession. i want to work with children...i want God to use me to restore their pure nature so they can be children again...

i think that's where my true passion lies. i want to be a part of the medical profession because i think God uses these people to make miracles...and i can love all of them. i know i can.



3/13/04

heading to sunny california...
workin in an office 9-5pm earnin my money.
visiting squishies ^_^ leaving in 22 minutes!
will update at nights ^_~

with love
-becki



3/8/04

i think i have a naive view of the world.
one reason why i'll never let a guy get close to me, because he has to be stronger than me...and no guy has ever shown himself to be that way... i let go of my feelings so easily so quickly over my "dream guy"...i guess b/c i'm scared of that just as much as of every other guy.

haha...makes me wonder if my waffle guy really was the best one ^_^ j/p j/p

God is telling me to wait. I will wait on Him.
no guys. if u wanna try, fill out the application.
haha it's the application faith made for me :) application <---fixed link

until then, this girl is single, not looking, not interested in letting any guys get close to her.

dayamn straight.

haha...but besides that. right now i don't believe there is a guy who is stronger than me...inside...and who is willing to protect the parts of me that are weaker, rather than to take advantage of them...

make sense?

...i still have so many more people to love...and so little time left on earth. i don't have time to deal with shady guys with superficial promises. don't have time for guys who throw around the word "love", or who always take

makes me wanna beat'em all -_- bloody bloody pulp...

so short lived.
i guess what i'm looking for is rare. find me a guy who gives more than he takes.

will write later more...i have so much more to write on this...

with love
-becki



3/7/04

haha...i guess this is the story i really wanted to write about...

so back in freshman year first semester, CSO [chinese student organization] was having a Cares charity date auction where you bid on certain people. me and helen were gettin a kick out of it b/c it was a chinese student organization event w/ a pamphlet for helping battered women, and on the back of the pamphlet was korean writing hahaha....korean men & their tempers ;) so me and helen got there a little late and we were searching for a place to sit, and in the front there was this table [its one of those huge round tables] and this one guy sitting down by himself...

so me and helen ask him if we can sit down & he seemed nice enough to let us sit down...it turns out later on that he's one of the guys being auctioned off, actually he was one of the first guys to go up...

and me helen looked at each other b/c we didn't know...so he goes up there and they talk about him & asking if anyone wants to bid on him, it was quiet and nobody really started bidding i think b/c he was one of the beginning guys to go up...and the auctioneers made him take off his shirt hahaa...i know ;) mad silly... so all during this time me and helen are negotiating...b/c 1, he seemed like a nice guy, he let us sit at the table & everything and 2, no one was bidding on him...

there was that awkward silence so i'm like "c'mon helen, lets just do it" so we raised the bidding & started it with $30 dollars...and then someone bidded against us at $40, so we were like..okay...$60 is our max bid cause we figured it was going to charity anyway and we would get a $30 certificate to jose tejas & everything...b/c split in half it was $30 each...so after $60 we won the bid and the price was pretty impressive b/c if you split up all the frat guys, we paid more for one guy than we did three....

but here's the kicker...so me and helen paid $60 i think and the guy never got in touch with us...and at the end after he was bidded on he never looked at us, he even sat at a different table...

so ever since then we always thought what a jerk, we spent our money, he completely avoided us, we couldn't face him b/c we were thinking he was big headed now and every time we saw him we were like "oh my goodness...that's him....that's the guy we bidded on & he never showed up" we'd also always avoid him whenever he was around b/c honestly....that's mad damaging to bid on a guy, have him avoid you the rest of the night and then think his ego was inflated b/c two girls bidded on him...

so we never liked him...

so mebe like...a week ago i ran into titus as i was walking back to get a towel for my abs class...& i didn't realize that titus had a friend next to him and when he introduced me, in my mind i'm like "oh man. that's the guy we bidded on...and he never showed up" so i must have been really tired b/c after 4 classes in a row my mind is shot and anything i say just came out...so i was like "ohh...you're the guy me and helen bidded on....yea it's cause we felt sorry for you" or something to that effect, but it came out really poorly!!! i honestly didn't mean it to come out like that when i realized i must have said something wrong when i saw their reactions...and the guy kinda like said a quick goodbye...

and i asked titus if i said something wrong...& i guess it was part of my own pride being shot down...cause probably b/c i was tired and words came out wrong & i was rushed and i always thought the guy must have been such a mean guy who thought we were pathetic freshman...

honestly...for me to bid on a guy...my pride & esteem are on the line for that one moment...and it was all just shot down cause i really didn't think either me or helen were that ugly that he couldn't even stand sitting at the table with us after we bidded on him...and maybe he was hoping some better looking girls would bid on him or something...so i honestly have just felt bad after that entire incident...

so on friday i went iceskating...with RCC & CSO

and like...i see titus and him show up & i feel awkward so i hang closer to mike and helen as my safety...throughout the night helen would leave to talk to a lot of ppl i didn't know and half the time i couldn't catch up with mike's speed...towards the end they stopped skating around...and i didn't want to just stand around...

so i kept skating..it was almost the end of the night...hahaha and here's where we enter my lil world. where i feel the music and the way the wind catches my hair and i'm being corny cause inside i'm like "hahaha....i can conquer the world" hahah...

i know mad cheesey ;) so after i loop it a couple of times stopping every now and then to see if helen or mike will come skate with me again, i'm looping it by myself and then on my right hand side...

as i'm skating the guy skates next to me...and he tells me..."you skate pretty well"...

and before that i thought he was just going to say a quick hi and then leave...but we talked......& he skated with me so i wasn't skating by myself anymore...we made fun of titus's skating together hahaha... ;) and we raced...he made me smile...all i can say was...

i was surprised. b/c he was so different from how me and helen expected him to be...

he was actually really...quite charming.
his smile...is really adorable. ...b/c when he gives me the smile...it's ...really cute. cause it's almost shy...

i know...i wish i could say that the rest of the night we talked until all hours of the morning...but towards the end as we were skating and the rink was closing...i lost him somehow...and i didn't know whether i should turn back ...& then all of my doubts set back in place...i became really shy..

i'm not like my roommate, i'm not really easy to get to know at all ...a lot of the times i don't know whether to say hi to a person...or how to act...my mind just jumps...so i didn't know whether to turn around...
no one understands how many guys i've avoided in the past year...i've forgotten how else to handle things...
sigh. haha i know...

this is me..the girl behind all these thoughts...i was talking to daisey and she's right...

everytime i talk about guys excessively...not including this one... it's been my way of protecting myself...from one, letting other guys know i'm not looking for a relationship... and two because the guys are so unrealistic that they're safe to me...
it's my way of putting up barriers...
honestly...because i don't think i would ever date any of those guys if they became real. that's why i step back.

but this guy felt real...for the first time in a long time. it's not made up in my mind or exaggerated..

a part of me wishes the ice skating rink didnt close so early...
...so maybe this will come up again...and maybe it won't...

it's just silly b/c i've spent so much time making him out to be a jerk and he surprises me by making me smile...

haha...sigh. it's time to sleep & focus on my grades, this week, and the rest...

with love
-becki



3/5/04

^_^ i'm so shy...

first graders mad adorable...i adore them completely...

my last entry was entirely stupid hahaa...*ashamed* but basking in my sillyness...

will write later

with love
-becki



3/2/04



i apologize in advance for this entry talks about guys way more then it should haha...it's an almost nonsensical journal entry but it's kinda a mishmash of writing b/c i haven't written in so long ;)

it's always so hard for me to write the first journal in awhile ^_^ i can't believe it's been so long since i last wrote...so i guess i'll write going backwards...haha and i guess what's most on my mind...

ahh a lot of stuff...so many things happening...
today i spent the day with anna studying at penara's...tuesday is my study day with her ^_^ and i realize unless i don't have a day or a time with someone, it's hard to keep in touch...
i've seen so many girls lately that i've missed...i never actually realize how many girl friends i have until i run into them *siGh*.
i realized i don't know how to keep in touch with everyone without someone else being neglected and i don't know how to quite juggle everything... i think i love too many people >_<

i don't know yet how to love so many people.
i'm foolish in that i still have so many rough edges that need to be sanded down...
i was thinking this as i was walking back from work...ahh kinda different change in tone...
but i adore those walks back from work so late at night...it almost gives me an excuse to walk at night.

i realized i also have to learn to love not from my own outpouring but from His.
it seems in the natural human response of fight or flight that i'm like a bird who steps off the rocky slope of a mountain...
forced to take flight...too scared to face what's behind me. too tired that i would rather rest on my wings.

iono exactly. my love is not enough for people...too many times i let my hurt get in the way. i hide away because i am tired sometimes...the feeling of being overwhelmed...
it's me being selfish.

sometimes i want to ask questions of my own self pity. they always start off with a "where were you..." and a part of me wants people to deal with their own issues as i have dealt with mine...then i realize ..how much i love them...i just get overwhelmed sometimes. b/c too often i rely on my own strength. i guess i've been doing that a lot this week...
whenever something used to hurt me i would run to my bed, curl up and cry... and when people i loved hurt me i would do the same...
but i guess i realized i have to stop putting the word "love" in the past tense...and realize i love them regardless...
while i'm still maturing it takes time for me to learn how to handle certain things properly, but in time i'll be there for you. to love you, to care for you.

as i said before...i'm still foolish sometimes...many times...
but i'm still so foolish sometimes...and my actions speak before i have a chance to catch them...and my works speak so carelessly before i realize what i'm saying.
i'm still maturing...learning how to mature...learning how to grow.
to educate myself...
it's funny b/c on the weekends it's just me...i have so much time to give on the weekends...
can't find all those who i love to be free ...

weekends i spend sometimes with mike cause i always find him online when i'm alone...sometimes it's nice just to not have anything on the agenda to do so i think that's what i like most about my friendship with mike...

hmMm...where to start :) it's been busy... i know...it's really hard to reach me and i'm pretty slow at writing everyone back & calling people back & meeting with people...it's the first year i've been trying to balance working, college, recreation activities, volunteering, & a social life...haha i do think i overdid it this year...but its definately a big change...

semi flatter tummy = abs class ^_^ jujitsu i learned how to fall 3 different ways [you'd think i'd trip with more passion now...haha did i write how i tripped and skinned my knee in front of Arc?] i can give all my ailing & aching friends about a 40 minute massage working with shiatsu, trager, facial/arm swedish techniques and if you ask me but i probably won't perform my dance routine for hip hop ^_^

haha...it's definately a lot of fun though ;) i actually haven't been to jujitsu for the last 3 times..me and helen couldn't get our act together...but there's a guy who is at the tennis club and he's in my class...haha... so when i'm working & i see him he asks me if i'm going to go...

noo i see everyone giving me that look ^_~ he just looks like a guy i think i'd like to be friends with...iono u ever look at a guy & think you'd have a really great friendship with him even if you don't know him? that's kinda how i feel...helen's at hoboken right now so i don't usually go to jujitsu w/out her...

it's cute tho'..i imagine us flipping each other over...i'm so formal at work ^_~ can't be myself...well not formal..hahaha did i tell you how much i love my job? i have so much fun with all of the people i meet there, last week [i'm horrible at giving directions] there was this old guy who gave me a call and asked me for directions from college ave....it was sooo bad!!
hahaha...somehow i finally got him here, even after my asking him "wait...river road? that sounds...familiar" puahaha....and when he finally came in he kept on teasing me ^_^

the custodians too!! I LOVE THE CUSTODIANS...i think they're so cute. haha...they're always telling me i'm always smiling...

i don't always smile -_- ahhhhh i always get told that...do i look like a dope who always smile? haha.. *siGh* i can't help it...i find so many things amusing and silly and funny...sometimes i'll get a dopey smile when i think a guy is really adorable ^_^ hahah i know...I"M SO STUPID!! *huge grin* i can crush ^_^ *chases after guys*...whee...haha my friend said i still act like a lil kid...

the day after valentines day i saw...him...

i wish i could describe everything...i saw him for the first time in 10 months...and i never thought i would... haha i know i wish i could come back with this great story of how we talked all night but all i could say was a shy hi...and then he saw nan with me & thought nan was my guy...he used to always come up to me and speak except whenever i was around a guy...i know it's silly :) iono...mebe it's just my thoughts but my heart crushes the time when i was in the dining hall & he asked me if i was eating with anyone and that i could join him. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

*breathes* haha...so my similar reaction was that day too. sigh. nan had to deal with me sliding down the seat of his car and pulling on the seatbelt in disbelief and aww and tons of squeaking and stomping of my feet...for the entire car ride? and more...i'm sorrie nan if you're out there!! nan's too good to me...i don't know anyone else who would have put up with it ^_^

so yea...i thought i was over him...just cause. it wasn't how i imagined how i'd meet him again...and again it's kinda like...once the possibility becomes more real i kinda run away...it's perfect for me to idealize him and keep the idea of him at a distance...but when it becomes more close to being real i kinda shy away. just b/c...iono...maybe he's with a girl ^_^ i was with a guy...maybe i lost my chance back then..what if he's not the guy for me...how will my future husband feel? I KNOW STOP!! hahahha....i'm analyzing so much ^_^ but i guess it's a lot easier for me to accept that maybe he isn't the one...

and i know if i ever speak to him i'll act so normal he'll never know i like him ^_^ cause that's my secret for me to know and keep. i play it cool yo...haha ^_^

it's believing that maybe he is the one & that he just doesn't know it that scares me (?) i can't explain it, i know it sounds undeniably silly ;) nan calls it cute cause it's like i'm a little kid with a huge school girl crush and he's right...i haven't had a crush like this for awhile ^_^ so after i exhausted squealing and waking up helen with my "I SAW HIM!! I SAW HIM ! AAA!!" <---me being stupid -_-

i told myself i was over him...

two days later i had a dream.
sigh. it was one of those dreams.
i think i've been watching too many anime...
sigh. here's my clip of the dream...

i was walking down the stairs through Judson [the name of my suite building] and i saw him. he was walking in through the lounge and through the windows he saw me...there was that priceless smile...and i couldn't believe he was actually there...

i think he was in the middle of doing something so he told me he had to rush out for a moment, so he gave me a sorta side hug, my roomie helen was there behind me [and obviously she knows how crazy i am about him ^_^] and she lightly pushes me into him so we're really hugging and we both laughed and looked at each other shyly...

he came back and found me studying later that night...we were sitting next to each other and he told me he didn't think we'd get much studying done b/c we were talking so much... [...it was so ...right...talking to him] he was teasing me about something & i gave him one of my faces and poked him back til we were tickling each other...

scene changes again where he's outside my door after me and helen finished studying...

and i'm hugging him...and after we let go...we hug again and there's this intense pulling...we kissed..

i also had a quote book or somethin near me and when he left i looked inside my book and i saw all these quotes from him and sometimes some scriptures that were important to him...

...i guess the big thing about this dream is that i never had a dream like this. ever. not with any guy. they were always so distant or walking past me...but i never kissed a guy & had it feel perfect.

b/c i guess... that's what i imagine...

sigh. am i being stupid :( *yes becki* haha...i'm still allowed to be like a kid ;) and crush. hahaa...i remember when my brother reintroduced me to him before i went to rutgers....and he ate with us and i was with linda and i was so excited about rutgers dining hall food andi crammed like...6 plates onto my tray and i remember him exclaiming in awe how much food i had on my tray *huge grin* and especially when i finished it ^_^

*sigh. okay i'm done!! hahaha...u gotta understand that this is a couple of weeks worth of thoughts ^_^

haha i know i'm overanalyzing but that's what makes it fun ;) i have so many dreams w/him in it and where it feels right. it makes me wait.

did i ever tell you how many of my dreams went wrong tho'? hahaha i once had a dream of this guy walking across the parking lot and the next day i saw this guy who looked like him..this was back in 7th grade or somethin...so i thought it was a sign and i liked him...

except i realized i liked him only b/c of the dream and i didn't really like him...but i gave too many signals?? and he thought i was interested and he approached me...it was really really awkward...oh man.. my childhood... ^_^ mad humiliating..so yea...

not one of becki's swiftest moments...
hahaha and yet another sign that i'm not a prophet in the making ;)
i have this dream that i got an A on my soc of med & health care so at 5am in the morning after i wake up from the dream, i rush hurridly on the site of my computer to check my grade...

i get a B!!! so what if my dreams are so off ^_^ hahaha i know i'm being silly ;)

i have fun...i think that's all that matters ^_~

ahhh!! i spent so much time writing about him! ^_^ -_- my crush on him keeps me safe...does that make sense? everytime i meet a guy who i feel like there's an attraction & if i gave a signal we'd be together i ...i guess i imagine the greater treasures that God has in store.

despite how boy crazy i seem ;) honestly there's a part of me who can see myself committing to celibacy... just b/c of the decisions i've made...the way i feel right now as if i'm more able to do the things God would have me do...i still chase boys around the iceskating rink *wink* hahaa...just to keep things light.

b/c i know i'm not ready for a relationship and 3 wrong choices later i've learned. i'm still learning how to love Jesus more...more than i am right now...i'm still growing...i still need this time. but i feel complete already.

still growing...

mmm....and my lil ones at Rutgers Readers and my fieldwork for exploring teaching. i adore. lil ones come up to me and hug me & i feel bad b/c they get in trouble with the teacher...haha but the teacher at my exploring teaching fieldwork is really amazing. i completely admire her for her style of teaching and the enthusiasm she sparks within the lil 1st graders [my choice grade!!!]

you can't help but falling in love w/all of their comments. it is tough tho'...lots of emotional energy you're exhausting whether it be enthusiasm, happiness, energy... ;)

the lil one i'm observing...i've nicknamed him Varsity boy and he notices i pay special attention to him so he calls me on it and always tells me to come over hahaha... he shows me his show and tell and asks me to come over..hahah it's priceless "why can't you come over to my house man??" hahahhaha... he said man ;) he's really adorable...

so yea..i'm loving it, even tho i'm tired ;) jus realize i have to get more sleep, balance my time more wisely.. so i can give more of myself... i want to explore occupational pediatric therapy...

hmm...what else to write...

i spent valentines day with mike ^_^ haha nooo not like that :P but i think it was one of the best valentines dinner, check the menu: hormel chili and potato chips ...yea baby! in style ^_~ cause that's the only way to do it haha...and then we watched a d/led movie on my computer & onto 15 straight episodes of anime until 4am in the morning, it was the best simple valentines day with my best guy friend, he's prolly the only guy i could just sit around with & have fun & be comfortable ...and the best best part is that it's never been complicated with him.

i guess i craved that in a lot of my friendship with guys that seem to end so quickly...the simplicity.
sometimes i just want a guy friend who i can sit with and not feel like he's bored or he's trying to find a way to make me his girlfriend...so yea, that's choi for me ^_^

i can cry in front of him too and that's the best part :) even tho' i can't really tell him to beat up someone hahahhahaa...and he has a korean temper and he'll never even get close to spoiling me and never run out of enough times of teasing me or calling me names, he's there when i'm alone and wanting a friend & thats all that matters ^_^

and of course my coworker at work, i ask him how was his valentines day after he asked me if i had a valentines, & then i asked him if he had a valentines he says

"you're my only valentine becki" hahaha. i owe him a razer and hand lotion ^_~

mm what else...my boss is nominating me for an employee award :) going to cali for spring break and my one stop flight is in Dallas Texas for an hour (i'm going to take pictures of the entire airport...it'll be the first time i've been in the place where i was born since i was 8?) ahh i have so much more to write...but i actually have to wake up early at 7am for Rutgers Readers [the volunteer program] with 3 classes following it and 2 hrs of work. i'll make it :) so i'll end early & mebe i can write later...

iono if i'll survive tomorrow :)

best moment...iceskating with mommie ;) it was her first time in 30 years!

with love
-becki

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