JOKES DEC. 2000!!

DEC 31, 2000 BEER TROUBLESHOOTING -------------------- SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. DEC 30, 2000 Moms have Mothers Day, fathers have Fathers Day. What do single guys have? ANSWER: Palm Sunday. DEC 29, 2000 Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back." DEC 28, 2000 An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Uh oh!" The man asked the doctor what the problem was. "Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke? "No," replied the man. "Do you drink to excess?" "No," replied the man. "Do you have a sex life?" "As a matter of fact, I do!" "Well, said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old man asked, "Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING?" DEC 27, 2000 Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place. Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.  "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.  Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then. "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation." DEC 26, 2000 Yo momma is so fat her blood type is gravy. -- submitted by Allan Rayfield Yo momma's so hairy she got afros on her nipples. -- submitted by Ronit Tippett Yo momma's so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out. -- submitted by Emma Howchin Yo momma's so fat that she bent over and burnt her ass on the sun! -- submitted by Jeff Wilson Yo momma is just like a hardware store... 10 cents a screw! -- submitted by Pratik Patel Yo momma is so fat her cereal bowl comes with its own life guard -- submitted by Sally Eckert Yo momma so poor when she goes into Kentucky Fried Chicken she has to lick other peoples' fingers. -- submitted by Fundsechezig (?) DEC 25, 2000 Subject: Salute to "friend" poems For those tired of the usual "friend" poems (myself included), here is a touch of reality. When you are sad ... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad. When you are blue ... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you. When you smile ... I'll know you finally got laid. When you are scared ... I will rag you about it every chance I get. When you are worried ... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining. When you are confused ... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. When you are sick ... Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have. When you fall ... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath ... I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? ... Because you're my friend. DEC 24, 2000 What do you call a blow job that lasts 8 days? ANSWER: Chanukah Lewinsky! DEC 23, 2000 Bill and Hillary Clinton were sitting in the White House one day when Bill says "Hillary do you realize that if this were a kingdom that I would be a king?" Hillary says "You know Bill you're pretty smart." A few minutes later Bill says "And do you realize Hillary that if this were an empire that I would be an emperor?" And Hillary says "Bill you get smarter every day. But, remember Bill, this is a country." DEC 22, 2000 STICKY FINGERS "It was my first day on my first job ever at neighborhood deli. The boss finished training me and then looked me dead in the eye and asked if I had "sticky fingers." I couldn't help but get red in the face and giggle. There I was thinking that this guy was asking whether or not I played with myself! I found out later from a friend that he was asking if I liked to STEAL. We never laughed so hard in our lives. Picture it from his angle: There he is asking this kid if he steals and he's giggling!" -a true story DEC 21, 2000 A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a  stiff-looking  military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex. "1956," was his immediate reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get  out  more." "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch.  "It's  only 2014 now." DEC 20, 2000 Answers To Womens Questions About Men 1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing.  Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior.  We're just misunderstood. 2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. 3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. 4.  WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. 5.  WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. 6.  WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. 7.  WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different?  How are we suppose to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel?  Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. 8.  WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please...  How many hours do you think there are in a day?  We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men...  Men hunters...Need go roam...Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeast... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. 9.  HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. 10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault.  It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. 11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho...  Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well. 12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. 13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. 14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. 15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying? DEC 19, 2000 A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were  both  just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a  whrehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like. DEC 18, 2000 MICKEY MOUSE Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court And the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy." DEC 17, 2000 RED RIDING HOOD Little Red Riding  Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!" DEC 16, 2000 PINOCCHIO Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain About splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied,  "Who needs a girlfriend?" DEC 15, 2000 SNOW WHITE Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming, "Lie to me! Lie to me!" DEC 14, 2000 CINDERELLA Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.  As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't khow up. Finally, at 5 a.m.,Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairygodmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to have turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...." DEC 13, 2000 Oh.....by the way, did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch? DEC 12, 2000 Two men waiting at the gates of Heaven strike up a conversation. "How did you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "But in the end it isn't too bad. How did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I went home unexpectedly. I found her alone in the bedroom, doing some knitting. Then I ran all over the house looking for the man, starting in the basement, but just as I got to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic." "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." DEC 11, 2000 Don Zimmer, the Yankees assistant manager was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior players who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash rookie on the Yankee bench had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming, "Feels just like my wife's ass." With a look of genuine curiosity, the Don Zimmer rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!" DEC 10, 2000 Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine, two pitchers for the Atlanta Braves were being interviewed.  The interviewer was asking questions concerning the two's relationship. "So you two know everything about each other right?" "Yeah, we can tell when the other is in a slump or having trouble with pitches." "Well, I want to know what you guys would do if you knew that you only had 30 minutes to live?" Greg Maddux thought about it for a second, "I'd fuck the first thing that moved." "What would you do Tom?" "I would stand still for half an hour." DEC 09, 2000 Kobe Bryant and his wife went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.  He asked if they were willing to try it out.  They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than Kobe had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, he felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. Kobe was still feeling fine.  The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.  At this point they decided to try for 50%.  He continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, Kobe encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.  The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.  She and Kobe were ecstatic. When they got home, they found Shaq dead on their porch. DEC 08, 2000 IF MEN MADE THE RULES FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM 1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear end and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it. 2. Birth control would come in ale or lager. 3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off    to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. 5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. 6. Garbage would take itself out. 7. Regis and Kathy Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-viewevent in world history. 8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle." 9. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps." 10. Tanks would be far easier to rent. 11. Two words... "Ally McNaked." 12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you     responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:     Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"     You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.     " Cop :"Nice one, That's $10.00 off." 13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. 14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again. 15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. 17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. 18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!" 20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. 21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you" 22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. 23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car, like Fred Flintstone. 25. Hallmark would make..."Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. DEC 07, 2000 This is not another of those lame things we keep getting in e-mails. Read it through. This will warm your heart ... just when you lost faith in human kindness.  Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter.  The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.  This story is a credit to all human kind.  Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift. Dear Safety Harbor Middle School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon.  I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.  All of my family has passed away.  I am all alone now and it's nice to know that some one is thinking of me.  God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you. Life is good. DEC 06, 2000 A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a couple he begins to gush about how this is the best bar he's ever been to, how good a time he is having, how great the atmosphere is, etc. Eventually nature calls, so he tells the bartender to watch his drink while he relieves himself. 5 minutes go by, then 10, then finally, after about 15 minutes, he comes running out of the washroom, sobbing and blubbering. "I wish to GOD I'd never set foot in this hell-hole!" "Whoa, wait up buddy" says the bartender, "what happened? I thought you loved this place!" The guy sniffs, wipes his eyes and sits down at the bar. "Well," he says, choking back the tears, "I went to the toilet to take a piss, and this huge biker-looking dude sneaks up behind me, puts a gun to my head, pulls out his dick and tells me if I don't suck it, he's gonna blow my head off!" "Holy shit!" the bartender shouts in shock, "What happened?!" The guy starts crying again and says: "You didn't hear a gun shot, did you?!" DEC 05, 2000 Virginia walked into a local drugstore and quietly asked the pharmacist: "Do you have Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Yes." Virginia: "Does it work?" Pharmacist: "Yes." Virginia: "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist: "Yes... if I take two." DEC 04, 2000 Q: What's the difference between a 69 and a family re-union? A: With a 69, you only have to see one asshole and kiss one cunt! DEC 03, 2000 HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES: English . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You Spanish . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo French . . . . . . . . .. . . . .. . Je T'aime German . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  lch Liebe Dich Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Ai Shite Imasu Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Ti Amo Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Wo Ai Ni Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Jag Alskar Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi and Kentucky. . . . . . . . . . . . Nice Tits DEC 02, 2000 A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms." DEC 01, 2000 How true this is! This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going coochy cooh...?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." the wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer  brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie...but the bar.... you know...the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him  by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes a huge  beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at  the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.  I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words cutie pie?...HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKING MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT ASSHOLE?!!"

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