JOKE0011

NOV 30, 2000

After meeting at a bar one day and getting along really well, a man and woman decide to go back to her house and get to know each other better.
In the midst of discovering what was under each other's clothes, the woman suddenly stops the man and says, "Quick! My husband just came home! Go hide in the bathroom!" So the man does as she says.
The husband comes into the bedroom to find his wife on the bed. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
"Oh, honey, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I come up here and give you a nice surprise." she quickly replies.
"Great!" her husband says. "I'll go get ready." He heads into the bathroom before his wife can get off the bed and stop him, and he sees the naked man standing there swatting at something in the air.
"Who the heck are you?" the husband demands to know.
"Oh, I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths."
"But you're naked!" the husband exclaims.

The man looks down and jumps back in surprise. "Man, those moths are fast!"

NOV 29, 2000

The Perfect Man

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean.
He has a handsome smile
And keeps his car so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side.

He will be a good father
A good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too.
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings to you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way......
Oh, fuck this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.

NOV 28, 2000

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions:
One says "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, its where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's", and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

NOV 27, 2000

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy out. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks if the boy would like to buy a 3-pack,
10 pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

NOV 26, 2000

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the groom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww -- what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes." The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Small cox

NOV 25, 2000

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter.

"They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

NOV 24, 2000

What did the left breast say to the right breast?

"If we don't get some support soon, we're going to look like nuts!"

NOV 23, 2000

FROM TOM SNYDER:

THANKSGIVING IS THE ONLY DAY OF THE YEAR YOU CAN SIT DOWN AT THE FAMILY
TABLE AND SAY, "WOW! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT BREAST!!"

NOV 22, 2000

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass!!!

NOV 21, 2000

IF THESE COMPANIES SOLD CONDOMS:

DIET PEPSI CONDOMS: YOU GOT THE RIGHT ONE BABY.
PRINGLES CONDOMS: ONCE YOU POP, YOU CAN'T STOP.
FLINSTONE VITAMINS CONDOMS: 10 MILLION STRONG AND GROWING.
SECRET CONDOMS: STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT BALANCED FOR A WOMEN'S TASTE.
THE MACITOSH CONDOMS: IT DOES MORE, IT COSTS LESS, ITS THAT'S SIMPLE.
CHEVY CONDOMS: LIKE A ROCK.
DIAL CONDOMS: AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU USE IT, DON'T YOU WISH EVERYBODY DID.
NEW YORK LOTTO CONDOMS: BECAUSE HEY, YOU NEVER KNOW.
LAYS CONDOMS: BET YOU CAN'T HAVE JUST ONE.
CAMPBELLS SOUP CONDOMS: 'MMM 'MMM GOOD
AT&T CONDOMS: REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE.
BOUNTY CONDOMS: THE QUICKER PICKER UPPER.
ENERGIZER CONDOMS: IT JUST KEEPS GOING AND GOING AND GOING.
M&M CONDOMS: IT MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH, NOT IN YOUR HAND.
SEARS CONDOMS: ONE COAT IS GOOD FOR THE ENTIRE WINTER.
DELTA AIRLINE TRAVEL PACK OF CONDOMS: DELTA IS READY WHEN YOU ARE.
STAR TREK CONDOMS: TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.
TIMEX CONDOM: IT TAKES A LICKING AND KEEPS ON TICKING.

THE LATE LATE SHOW CONDOM: THANKS FOR CATCHING OUR STUFF AS WE FLY IT THROUGH THE AIR!!!

NOV 20, 2000

FROM THE LATE LATE SHOW WITH TOM SNYDER

BANNED CHILDREN'S BOOKS
DAD'S NEW WIFE GEORGE
POP GOES THE HAMSTER AND OTHER GREAT MICROWAVE GAMES
TESTING HOME MADE PARACHUTES WITH NOTHING AT ALL BUT YOUR
HOUSEHOLD PETS
EGGHEAD AND OTHER THINGS THAT MRS. DUMPTY GAVE HUMPTY
THE COMPLETE SET OF MOTHER GOT GOOSED NURSERY RHYMES
THE TICKLING BABY SITTER
CURIOUS GEORGE AND THE HIGH VOLTAGE FENCE
THE BOY WHO DIED FROM EATING ALL HIS VEGETABLES
THINGS RICH KIDS HAVE BUT YOU NEVER WILL
LET'S DRAW BETTY AND VERONICA WITHOUT THEIR CLOTHES ON
THE POP-UP BOOK OF HUMAN ANATOMY

NOV 19, 2000

FROM HUSTLER MAGAZINE JULY 1988

TWO ITALIANS, LUIGI AND ANTONIO, MET ON THE STREET.
"HEY ANTONIO," SAID LUIGI. "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR
THE PAST TWO WEEKS? NO ONE SEEN YOU AROUND."
"DONNA TALKA TO ME, LUIGI," REPLIED ANTONIO, "I BEEN
INNA DE JAIL."
"JAIL!" EXCLAIMED LUIGI. "WHAT FOR YOU BEEN IN JAIL?"
"WELLA, LUIGI," ANOTONIO SAID, "I WAS A LYING ONNA DA
EACH, AND THE COPS COME, ARRESTA ME AND THROW ME INNA JAIL."
"BUT DEY DONNA THROW YOU IN JAIL FOR JUST LYING ONNA DA BEACH!"
LUIGI COUNTERED.
"YEAH, BUT DIS BEACH WAS ASCREAMIN' AND AKICKIN' AND AYELLIN."

NOV 18, 2000

FROM HUSTLER JULY 1988

QUESTION: WHAT'S MORE DANGEROUS THAN A PIT BULL WITH AIDS?
ANSWER:   THE GUY WHO GAVE IT TO HIM.

NOV 17, 2000

FROM HUSTLER JULY 1988

LAMONT STORMED INTO HIS NEIGHBORHOOD BAR AND PLUNKED DOWN ON A STOOL NEXT TO HIS BEST FRIEND.
"WHAT'S UP LAMONT?" HIS PAL ASKED.
"WELL," LAMONT PAUSED, "MY OLD LADY AND I JUST HAD A BIG FIGHT. SHE LOST HER TEMPER AND TOLD ME SHE'S FUCKING SOME DUDE WITH A TEN-INCH DICK!"
"SHIT, WHY WOULD THE BITCH WANT TO LIE LIKE THAT?!" HIS FRIEND FUMED.
"I DON'T KNOW, BUB. I JUST DON'T KNOW," LAMONT SAID.
"MY COCK IS A FOOT LONG IF IT'S AN INCH!!"

NOV 16, 2000

YOU HAVE A 'HO STANDING ON THE STREET CORNER SELLING HER BODY WITH ONE STANDING ON EACH SIDE OF HER. WHAT DO YOU CALL THE ONE'S STANDING ON EACH SIDE OF HER?

SUPPORT HO'S (HOSE)

NOV 15, 2000

GREAT INSULT FROM CALVIN TRILLON:
YOU ARE AS MUCH FUN AS A TEENAGE CIRCUMCISION!!!

NOV 14, 2000

SOME CHIEF JOKES FROM A CONTRIBUTING CHIEFS FAN:

the chiefs are changing their name!
it's now "the k.c. tampons!"
because they are only good for one period and they don't have a second
string!!!!!:)

Quarterback Elvis Gerback will be replaced next year by monica luwinski!
(she might blow a few but she won't chock on the BIG one!!!!!!:)

NOV 13, 2000

WHY DOES DALLAS HAVE TO PLAY ON AN ALL DIRT FIELD?
THEY SNORTED ALL THE WHITE LINES AND SMOKED ALL THE GRASS!

NOV 12, 2000

FROM WB SERIES UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER (08/10/97).

ADVANTAGES OF EATING MEAT OVER SEX.

1. IT'S CERTAINLY A LOT CHEAPER THAN SEX!
2. IT DOESN'T GET MAD WHEN YOU POUR KETCHUP ON IT!
3. YOU CAN CUT THE FAT RIGHT OFF!
4. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU (ALTHOUGH WITH MEAT IT'S TRUE)!
5. IT DOESN'T WHINE IF YOU DON'T FINISH IT!
6. IT DOESN'T CARE IF YOU WATCH TV WHILE YOU HAVE IT.
7. IT GETS BETTER WITH AGE.

NOV 11, 2000

A women and her lover were in bed and all of a sudden she heard her husband pulling up. "don't move!" she said, and she doused her lover with baby oil and covered him in flower. her husband came in and said "what in the hell is that?"

"That is a statue," she replied, "I saw one in the Smith's bedroom and liked it so much I bought one." Nothing further was said and they went to bed. A couple of hours later the husband got up and made a sandwich and got a beer out of the fridge and took it upstairs and gave it to the guy and said "look, last week I spent twelve hours standing in the Smith's bedroom and no one gave me anything!"

NOV 10, 2000

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget standing in front of the urinal next to him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow" comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised--and flattered--the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says Loudly, "Hand over your wallet or I'll Jump!"

NOV 09, 2000

MARV ALBERT THEME SONG (to the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland")
Lacey things, they're so thrillin'! Men don't know that they're missin'. To dress in their
clothes, their silk pantyhose, Walkin' round in woman's underwear. In the store there's a
teddy - Little straps, like spaghetti! It fits me so tight, like handcuffs at night, Walkin'
'round in women's underwear. In the office, there's a guy named Melvin. He pretends
that I am Murphy Brown. He says, "Are you ready?" I say, "Whoa, man! Let's wait
until the wife is out of town!" Late at night, we'll go to the hotel room, Oral sex with
no one looking on, I'll say, "Can I bite you, you're a bad girl! You'll like it when the
cabbie brings the John!" Later on, if we wanna, We can dress like Madonna! We'll
put on our shades, and join the parade, Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!

NOV 08, 2000

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since
the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish, I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do
whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other and ran into some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The Angel smiled to himself as he
listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes, would you like to continue?
The male statue looked at the female statue and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "SURE. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head!"

NOV 07, 2000

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired too."

NOV 06, 2000

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible."
He replied that he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great.
The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man again replied that he felt great.
The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible."
The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?"
The man reiterated that he definitely felt great!
The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible." After he found that, he looked up the subsection "feels great."
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great.'"
The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina."

NOV 05, 2000

A guy was on a holiday in Mexico and rented a car to go to the nearest golf course for a round of golf. When he returned the car, the man in the car rental agency noticed that the golfer had dropped something in the front seat and said, "Excuse me, sir, but are these yours?"
"Yes, thanks, those are my tees."
"What do you do with them?"
"I put my balls on them when I drive..."

NOV 04, 2000

"AT LAST, AN ANSWER TO THIS AGE OLD QUESTION-
who is Jack Schitt?-----The lineage is finally revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt?" Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Knee-deep & Schitt,Inc.
In turn, JackSchitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giiva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned home from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know the whole family."

NOV 03, 2000

A stunning blonde displayed her curves and sold a soft drink in a TV
commercial. A wife looked at her stunning figure and said,
"What do people see in her?"
The husband said, "I have no idea. Let me take a closer look!"!�

NOV 02, 2000

Smelling Wood

A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.
First they tried maple. He smelled it and said "that's maple".
They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly. He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to hiis nose. He sniffed for a while. "Boy" he said "this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side." So they took they waitress and put her ass
near his nose.
He took a big whiff, started to smile and said "you guys can�t fool me that is the shit house door from a tuna boat!"

NOV 01, 2000

Married Young Couple

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open.
The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer."
She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

OCT 31, 2000

Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this:
       "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue...
       I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone amazed said, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental and 'shit...." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day
thinking up a poem for his wife.
The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works.
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice that's all. I just told her a poem...."
"Well, what poem did you tell her?"
Tyrone told him:
       "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog...
       If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog.

OCT 30, 2000

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when
the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and
ravaged her.   He knew he was doing great because she screamed and
wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed
his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey.
You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

OCT 29, 2000

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?

- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
   - At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already jumpy.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
- If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!

OCT 28, 2000

The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick
10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

CT 27, 2000

Responses to Pick Up Lines
--------------------------

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

OCT 26, 2000

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began."They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

OCT 25, 2000

INFLIGHT EXHIBITIONIST

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.   At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.   When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to
show your ticket here, not your stub."

OCT 24, 2000

THE CAT GUY

A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.
"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time."
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The woman were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his ass!"

OCT 23, 2000

A MOTHER WATCHED AS HER 5 YEAR OLD WAS PLAYING IN THE YARD. HE PEDDLED FURIOUSLY AROUND THE HOUSE, THEN WOULD RUN IN THE HOUSE, THROW DOWN A HANDFUL OF M&M'S, BITE THE CAT, RUN BACK OUT IN THE YARD AND PEDDLE HIS TRIKE FURIOUSLY AROUND THE HOUSE, SWALLOW ANOTHER HANDFUL OF M&M'S, BITE THE CAT, AND RUN BACK OUT TO HIS TRIKE, PEDDLE FURIOUSLY AROUND THE HOUSE, SWALLOW ANOTHER HANDFUL OF M&M'S AND BITE THE CAT.
FINALLY HIS MOTHER COULD TAKE IT NO LONGER.
"SON," SHE CRIED, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"MOM, I'M PLAYING TRUCK DRIVER. I'M DRIVING LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL, POPPIN' PILLS, AND EATIN' PUSSY!!!"

                                       - CONTRIBUTED BY MICHAEL RAY