I had a day from hell. I have had the year from hell, actually. And as a consequence, I was pissed and upset in chat. And I had no clue why I was there.
I suppose the first part of this is the reason I was pissed. I spoke to someone I care about a lot. Well, he was cranky, and as he always does, he took it out on me. Now, how is that fair? How did I deserve this? I ended up apologising (as I always seem to do) and he ended up bailing (as he always does). I suppose that's animal instinct. Run when it gets too hot. Mmmm, mature.
I went into the Diner after this, extremely upset and crying. I got talking to Kit in voice chat. Now, Kit, I hope you read this. We have never spoken all that much, just generally. But you did a lot for me, you and your hubby. You listened to me bitch and cry, when it can't have been all that interesting for you. I know I wasn't making all that much sense, yet you were extremely patient. By the end of our conversation, you and your hubby even had me laughing a little. Thanks for just being there.
A little later, I was talking to Witchy. Witchy has known me for over a year and she has always said that I am a lot like her. I was saying to her that I had changed from a year ago, and she agreed. I know I have changed, and I don't like who and what I am now. She also said "If you don't have hope, you have nothing". Maybe that's my problem. I've lost hope. I've lost hope that I can be the person I once was, that my life will be good once again. She also asked me when was the last time I was really happy. And you know, I couldn't remember the last time I was happy for at least a week. Probably when I was a kid (when you're a kid, everything looks good).
I was sitting there in chat, reading the screen and thinking "What am I doing here?" I felt like I didn't belong anymore. I started in chat because I was bored and lonely. And now perhaps I have spent far too long in there. Maybe it is time to grow up and go out into the real world like I said once before. Maybe I need to ditch the internet and go and do my thing. Maybe I need to become a hermit. That is sounding more and more appealing. To hide from everyone. At least for a while, anyway.
I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm just unsettled, and everything isn't as bad as it appears to be. Perhaps everything is blowing out of proportion. Perhaps I am being a drama queen (hey, it wouldn't be the first time I have been accused of such!)
I have always been a people person, but not so much any more. I just don't feel like having anyone here, I don't really want to talk to anyone. Maybe I just need a vacation. Anyone going to offer me a bed? And Kit, no offence, but I don't really want to sleep between you and your hubby...
How many times have you been told stuff from a �friend� that you were asked not to repeat? And how many times have you actually kept that promise? I have to admit that I have repeated things at times�but not if that secret is potentially damaging. If it can hurt someone, I keep it to myself.
When you tell someone a secret about yourself, you put yourself at risk. In a big way. Especially if it�s a big thing. Can you be sure that the person you are telling can be trusted to keep their confidence? Is that person a true friend?
I had the misfortune to find out that trust isn�t always a good thing. I found out that some people that you may believe are friends, actually aren�t. And it makes me really think about friendships, especially on the �net. Are these true friendships? Or are we all really just nameless people? Do we not matter as much because you can�t see the pain you may cause them? No matter whether you see their face or not, the pain that�s been caused by letting a secret out is real. And letting someone into your life by the way of sharing secrets is a big deal, at least it is for me.
I am talking from experience. If there is something that can hurt you, if there is something that you�re keeping quiet, there is usually a good reason for it. So don�t trust anyone with it. Depending on the integrity of the person you tell, it�s likely to get out. Don�t just use blind faith that everyone is like you, because most often, they�re not.
And for those of you who let out secrets, think about what you did. It doesn�t matter if you just told your boyfriend, or whoever. It doesn�t matter how many people you told. The blind truth of the matter is that you opened your mouth when you were asked not to. You had the opportunity of either keeping that persons secret secure, or hurting them. You chose the latter. You betrayed the trust of one you call a friend. And think about what it would be like if the shoe was on the other foot. If you tell your friend a secret, you expect it kept, right? Otherwise, you�d tell the world.
At least I learned a valuable lesson from it. I learned that trusting people isn�t always a good idea. I learned that letting people in isn�t always safe. And I suppose, lessons are important and necessary. I just kinda thinks it sucks, the way I was taught this one. I just think it sucks that I made bad choices in friendship and who to trust. And I think it sucks that someone I trusted, couldn�t repay the honour of being let into my life.
