It has been two years and forty two days since I lost you, 772 days, since I saw that wonderful smile, or heard those precious words "Mam I love you". You left my house that day so scared and frightened. How could I know that you would never walk back in my house again.How could I have known this would be the last day I saw you alive. That day is forever etched in my mind. I see you being taken to the ambulance, those bright blue eyes, so afraid, begging me to stay with you, I did stay with you until they told me you were going to be ok. Oh Boo I was so scared for you, so very frightened, so frightened that I was going to lose you. I had never seen you so ill, but the doctors told me you were going to be fine and that I wasn`t going to lose you. Oh they were so wrong!!!!! Why did I listen to them, why did I believe them!!!!! I kissed you goodnight and said "I`ll see you in the morning son" You asked me to fetch Connor in with me the next day, those were the last words you ever spoke to me. You went so unexpectedly, I never got the chance to say goodbye or tell you how much I love you, Oh Boo why you !!!!!!!!!! Many times I have gone over in my mind that awful day and night, when my whole world fell apart, always wondering if I could have done something different. I have relieved that night so many times in my nightmares, but the end is always the same, I have lost you, you have gone and I am left here with a big hole in my heart and soul. We should be filling our lives with new memories, you should be here making wonderful memories with Connor. He will never have any memory of you, all he will have is what we tell him and your photo`s and all the things we have saved that belonged to you. Me well all I have left are my wonderful memories and photo`s, I cherish my memories, but I am so scared that with time my memories will fade, but I know my love for you will never fade it will only grow stronger. Losing you has been the hardest thing I have had to face in my life, each day without you is a day of pure hell. I miss you so much, I love you so much, not more than I have ever loved you, but now it is with a deep ache in my heart and soul, the pain in my heart has no end. I miss you so very much, I want you back with your family, I want to touch you, I want to hear your laughter, I want to hear your voice, I want to sit and have a chat with you, like we used to do, I even want to have a row with you, cos we had some rows didn`t we Boo, we were both very stubborn weren`t we. I want to know what you would be doing when you reach 35 and 50, I want to see you bring up your son, I want you to have more children and become the wonderful daddy you were for one short year. I want to hear your nephews and nieces call you "Uncle Boo" I want to see you having a laugh with your sis and brothers, but most of all I want you back here with me now, sharing our lives and dreams together. These past two years have been a total blur. I have been in a world where I haven`t known what true happiness is. The seasons have come and gone, the days and weeks have all been the same to me. Has my grief gotten any less? Has the pain in my heart eased? Do I go a day without thinking about you? Do I go a day without crying for you? Do I go a day thinking if things could have been so different?The answer to all thes questions is a resounding "NO" I still wait for you to come through the door and say"Hi mam, what you got to eat" or "can you lend me some money" I miss that kiss you gave me every time you left the house. I still look for you everywhere I go. I can`t concentrate or remember things, I get up each day, most day`s I can`t be bothered to get dressed, whats the point, I just go through the motions. I smile and even laugh, but not like I used to do. I cry so very easily now... I can`t bring myself to say those awful words that you have died and are not coming back, I say when Boo past or when Boo went to heaven, so I play lets pretend, but that is my way of coping. I am so very proud of you Boo, for facing your problems the way that you did and for overcoming so many obstacles in your life, the last few years of your life weren`t easy for you, but you did your best and that was all anyone could ask of you, but one thing I know for sure, you had so much inner strength. I pray with all my heart that you did not suffer at the end and God has left us to do the suffering now. No more suffering for you my son, you had enough of that while you were here. I think of all the lives you touched in your short thirty years and of all the lives you are still touching even though you are no longer here. My pride for you fills my heart and I smile and say "Thats my BOO" As a mother I am suffering an over whelming need to be needed, Boo always needed his mam, we needed each other. He was a grown man but he was still my little boy, even though he was married with a son of his own, he still needed his mam. Boo has left my a wonderful treasure in his son Connor, whom I cherish with all my heart, but there was so much more left for Boo to do, so many dreams to be fullfilled, but now all that is left are shattered dreams and broken hearts, so much left undone. So if anyone wants to know if it gets any easier the answer is "NO" These past two years have been a living hell, family and friends ahave moved on, getting on with their own lives. I know everyone has to do what is right for them, I am not bitter, just very hurt. I dread holidays and birthdays more than anything, its so very hard to pretend that you are happy and feeling ok, when inside you a in a million pieces, but you do, you but on the mask and get on with it, oh how I would love to take the mask off and let them all see the real me. My emotions are all over the place, when Boo left I felt this instant pain in my heart, it is still there to this very day, I know it won`t ever go away, because it is a broken heart that can`t be mended. It is a constant reminer of what I have lost "MY SON" I will never let Boo go!!!!!!!!! I will talk about him all the time, I will keep his memory alive. I will miss him with every breath I take and with every beat of my heart. I will always think of him every moment of everyday for the rest of my life, and I will go on searching for him in every crowd and everywhere I go. Boo is very special to me, he is my SON and I will love him with all my heart and soul, I will love him for eternity and beyond. I know for most people two years is a long time, but for me it was just yesterday. Oh God!!!!!!!! How my heart aches for him, my arms long to hold him again!!!!!
I miss you my SON.
Sleep peacefully, |
