I can`t believe...even though I know what my heart is telling me so, that Ian has been gone from us for three years. He is so fresh in my mind and he always will be, that I guess it will always seem just like yesterday. My heart is still aching so much for Ian, to hold him and tell him how much I love him. The ache of not being able to tell your child that you love them, or not being able to hold them, is the worse pain ever. I talk to Ian all the time, I know some people may think I am crazy when I say that Ian visits me, you can see the pity in their faces, but his signs are always there. I picture Ian laughing and so handsome, just prancing around Heaven, being the practical joker he always was. I know he will be there to welcome us when it is our time to be there with him. Its the time now without him thats so bad, so unbearable. If Ian were here now he would be 33 years old. I often wonder what he would be doing now, if he would have anymore children. Of course I can picture all the wonderful times we would have had together, but that will never be now, they are just my dreams of what might have been!!!! I see mothers with their children and I want to tell them, enjoy every minute with them, because you never know what is round that corner, but I don`t and my heart just aches so much for Ian, my pain never stops. This time of year I feel myself becoming quite, more to myself, more depressed. I sit and think of what might have been, of all the things Ian is missing, ie Connor growing up!!! Then I get to thinking of that terrible night three years ago. Why did it happen? Why Ian? always Why? These are the thoughts that fill my every thought. I guess when I finally get to hold Ian again, these thoughts won`t matter anymore, lets face it once we are reunited again, oh what a wonderful day that will be. Ian has given us so many signs that he is still around us, that I regret not writing them down, cos I know I will forget some of them, but it has given me hope that we will meet up again one day, I do believe with all my heart he is still here.
My Darling Ian, my life without you seems so meaningless, empty and sad. Why did the angels come for you that night? why couldn`t they have taken me instead? Did they see how unhappy you were? did they know that you were at the end of your tether? did they know how unhappy your marriage was? the only thing keeping you and Karen together was Connor. Oh Ian if you can see him now, you would see what a little smasher he is, just like you in everyway. I lie in bed at night wishing we could share another moment together so I can tell you how much I love you. I miss you so much, I can`t possibly explain how bad this emotional pain is. You weren`t just my son you were my best friend and I have lost you until my life on earth ends, when will that be? I just can`t stand the pain. My life without you just isn`t the same, no-one needed me like you did. A life without you just isn`t fair, the days are so empty and full of dispair. I pray for the day we will be together, three years, five years? who knows, but I know it will be a wonderful day. My heart will no longer be broken. On that day I will hear your laughter, feel your wonderful touch and see your beautiful smile, just some of the things I miss so much. But until that day, just know how much I love you.
I MISS YOU, I LOVE YOU, I NEED YOU, MY ANGEL.
YOUR HEARTBROKEN MAM
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