Yes, after a couple of months in rainy Melbourne, I've said a sad goodbye to Australia and now begin my long homeward journey.
Melbourne was supposed to be the place where I stopped to work and earn money and, of course, what it turned out be was a place where I stopped, didn't work and spent money. It's amazing what you do when you are desperate to raise a few more dollars though.
I got the bizarre opportunity to earn about fifteen pounds refereeing a football match, a semi-final no less, between students of Botswana and students of Taiwan. Whistle in hand but with no goal nets nor touchlines and a couple of very biased linesmen I was on to a loser from the start, quite apart from the fact that I was scared to death of the eleven seven-foot black blokes and the rest of their contingent who were hurling insults at me from the touchline. Half-time, it's 1-0 to the Taiwanese who I very desperately didn't want to win so that I could get home safely. During the interval I discovered that I'd got myself into something rather deeper than I had thought when a shifty Thai bloke came up to me, flashed a wad full of dollar notes and told me that he knew that I'd make sure that the Botswanans would win. The second half begins with two swift Taiwanese goals and all of a sudden all innocent bystanders have scarpered due to the swelling numbers of the Botswanan rabble. Suddenly the Africans break and the big number nine scores a fantastic goal. I blow my whistle and award the goal. Then suddenly the linesman has his flag up for offside. I have no idea whether it's offside or not and have no time to realise that the linesman is Taiwanese. I disallow the goal. And of course all hell breaks loose. The Botswanan supporters run on, shouting and screaming. Within seconds two of them have their hands around my neck. The shifty Thai bloke runs on asking me to explain what I was doing. Suddenly the goalscorer appears and thumps me to the floor. "I wouldn't hang around after the match, mate" said the Taiwanese number six when I come to. And I didn't. I
sent off the Botswanan, blew the full-time whistle and ran all the way home. They didn't ask me back for the final.
I got another job for two weeks driving a miniature train around a bouncy castle at a funfair in a rather fetching all-in-one white boiler suit and flat blue cap. Well, it wasn't really a train, it was actually a converted lawnmower towing a few trailors. Actually it wasn't a converted lawnmower at all, it was an unconverted lawnmower but I still managed to go too fast for the conditions and leave a five-year-old with a grazed elbow.
So after eight months I bade a sorry farewell to Australia with all its Waltzing Matildas. It was sad to leave and I arrived back in Sydney three seasons after I had landed there in March. The Olympics already seemed a distant memory. Three hours flight and here we are in New Zealand, slightly colder, certainly greener. After two days we bought an incredibly dodgy van for 1000 dollars from a rather strange New Zealand couple who were obviously making a living selling a load of rubbish to unsuspecting young idiots. Of course it's had "new wheels and tyres", "never had a problem", "very efficient", "had new brakes fitted", "consumes no oil" and "runs like clockwork." Five hundred miles later we've had to change a tyre, spent a fortune in petrol, had to re-fill the oil and now the brakes appear to not be braking but emmitting a strange, but rather loud, screeching sound instead. What's more the hand-brake doesn't work while the clutch is pressed. And we've only got the whole of New Zealand to drive round. Still it's big enough to sleep in and some of the scenery we've already scene through the misty windscreen has been magnificent. With wonderful sunshine and small, white sandy beaches overlooking turquoise waters it's unbelievable that this destination remains such a secret.
Well, if the van holds out, I'll speak to you again from somewhere else in New Zealand soon. Keep all your emails coming, I really do rely on them to keep in touch with all that's happening and it's great that you all appear to be having a very successful time of it at the moment. Keep it up and keep in touch.
Ian
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