Mechanicsville, Minnesota� Doctors stare on in amazement at the medical phenomenon that is Dorris McAllen. The 137 year old woman claims that the key to her longevity is eating a steady diet of Anthrax spores! Dorris maintains that she has lived to her ripe old age by sprinkling a dash or two of the deadly bacteria on all of her favorite foods.
Scientist, Neil Simmons, an expert authority on both dietary science and biological warfare, says, �A normal woman her age with her diet should have died fifty-thousand and five times over. That�s a lot; most people only die once.�When asked to elaborate he said that the bitch �should be dead.�
According to a very reliable source, Dorris has been developing an immunity to the bacteria by building up a tolerance to it. Her father, the inventor of anthrax, fed it to her as a child. At the time, he was trying to come up with a cheap substitute for nutmeg. Her father died soon after, as well as the rest of her family.
In remembrance of her father, Dorris continued eating the stuff. She even developed a taste for it! Scholars tell us that because of Dorris� strange eating habits, she was not victim to inhalation; she has a nasal condition (stickius mucusae) which prevents any airborne particles from entering her lungs through her nose. Since the airborne form of anthrax is the deadly form, the possibility of dying from the anthrax ingestion is greatly decreased.
Dorris is a strong believer in the work of her father, claiming that the anthrax has kept her healthy all these years. She believes that her �dad�s� discovery has other uses as well, such as the treatment of AIDS, cancer, and Alzheimer�s. She also added the use of anthrax as a biological weapon, but we think that�s a little unlikely.
But I believe a different story. A more reliable source* foresees Dorris as the unknowing second coming of Jesus Christ, and bade that everyone start ingesting Anthrax in any way possible. This source is right of course. We must all worship Dorris, the lamb of God! Here�s to 137 more, Jesus! |
