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June
29 2001 Today
Murphy’s law applies, anything that can possibly go wrong is going wrong. I
feel so frustrated, first of all my plans for my vacation have been totally
altered because the whole purpose for my trip (the concert) has been
cancelled, then I went on the damn scale and I GAINED a whole Kilo (about 2.5
pounds) I feel like total shit because I just got a cold. What is it ? What’s
the damn purpose of things if everything goes wrong anyway ? I
tell you, if I was ever going to give up that day would be today, but I’m
not, there must be a purpose for all this happening, I don’t know, it’s not
one of my better days :(
June
28 2001 This
month has been an exciting one for me, I’ve learned so much about me, about
the things I want, the things I have. Depression
is one of my toughest enemies, I have to battle it every single day. It seems
that we all have our little horror stories, the ones where we take all the
blame off our shoulders and put it on someone else. Mine is no different,
what’s my excuse for letting go of myself ? Why
should somebody else have to face up for my problems ? OK, so life sometimes
doesn’t turn out exactly like you want it to, there are always going to be
things out my control, the world we live in today is a very angry place,
people fighting for there space, for respect. Does that give me an excuse to
sit in my little world feeling sorry for myself stuffing my face with
whatever I can get my hands on ? I don’t thinks so. The only thing that’s to
be done is to stand your ground and believe in what you’re doing. So maybe at
the end of the day I won’t be the richest, the prettiest, the happiest, the
healthiest, etc... but I will be the proudest for backing my beliefs. For
so long I would hide away from my problems just prefering to ignore them, not
wanting to know, what a coward I’ve been. Sometimes
life is going to be scary, but that’s part of the fun of being alive. Without
the question of tomorrow what would I do today ? Food
will not win this battle, self pity will not win this battle, I’m stronger
than that :) 2
more days until picture time, WOW, I’m a nervous wreck. I want to see what
all my hard work has done in a month. June
27 2001 I
finally finished my medicine, I feel so much better now and full of energy
! I’ve
been thinking about reasons, what reasons can be so powerfull that can make
us want to change our life forever ? What reasons are different now from
before ? What reason brought us to this point in the first place ? It’s
incredible what you find when you start looking for answers. Why
does it not bother me now when I see a beautiful skinny woman ? I used to be
the most insecure person in the world, I’m still fat, but my attitude has
changed so drastically and it’s only been 3 months, it makes me excited thinking
about how it will be a year from now. I’ve
started drinking lots of water again and it immediately reflected on the
scale, yup, the weight loss started again. It’s funny because I don’t even have
a weight loss goal it’s more like a size goal, I don’t know how much I’m
supposed to weigh but I know what size I’d like to be, so the scale should
REALLY not bother me that much but it still gets to me when I see no
significant change in the numbers. I
do feel toned though, like my body is one well organized set of muscles
(yeah, right) but it’s true, when I move my leg I can feel every muscle
involved in the movement and what’s better yet is I can SEE the muscle
outlined. I
can feel the fat loosening up in some parts like my stomach, I’m going to
have to start putting some stretch mark cream on it because I can see these
marks starting to show. I
love taking care of myself like this, why didn’t I start before ????????? It’s
well worth the effort I’m putting into this project :)
June
26 2001 The
number 3, what does that mean in my life ? Let’s see, today I turn 33 (oh
man, I’m getting old) and also today it’s been exactly 3 months since I
started my weight loss program. Could it be that the magical spell is finally
breaking and I will no longer be a toad ? It’s got to mean something so in
honor of the number 3 I have listed the 33 things I want to do to become a
better person and you can find it here. On
the other hand today was measurement day and weigh in and although I’m
still losing VERY LITTLE weight I have lost some more cms. off my body, which
is always good news. The
way I see it is like today is a milestone in my life, something important is
taking place or is about to take place (confused look on my face) and I
really don’t want to miss it, whatever it is. This
is THE LONGEST I have followed a weight loss program and an exercise program,
that I think speaks of my committment to myself and my body. Recalling
on 3 months ago it’s hard to believe that so many changes have happened to
me, I quit smoking, I say it and I don’t believe it. I thought I would never
be able to stop, I thought that it would be the hardest thing to do, the most
painfull, but you know what, it was a lot easier than I thought. To be
totally honest the hard part was the 1st. week, that was sheer
hell for me and for anyone within shoe-throwing distance (lol,my husband is a
saint) but now it’s like it never was me, it seems that it was somebody else
smoking not me. I
hope that a year from today I’ll be looking back on the old fat me and recall
how hard it was in the beginning and then how easy it became. I’ve chosen a
healthy life, amongst all the tempting foods, drinks, things, etc.... that
surround me, I am empowered by my strenght and I hope that it lasts forever.
June
25 2001 Yesterday
I did no exercise and I was very nervous and anxious, I wanted to put on my
shoes and go out for a walk or something, I practically had to force myself
to rest. I don’t know if it would have been better to just go out for the
walk but my legs were soar from the day before. Anyway,
I think that yesterday another process of my weight loss started, I recall
when I used to sit in front of my mirror and try on new styles of make up and
I would always be doing something with my hair. For some reason that I can’t
seem to put my finger on suddenly we let go, we stop “caring” about ourselfs.
It could be a direct cause from stress, usually when we move out of home
either for college or for marriage, it’s like we put ourselfs in 2nd.
place, everything always comes first. Oh no, I can’t do my nails today
because I have to fix the yard or, I need to cut my hair short because I
don’t have enough time to fix it in the morning or I’m buying things that
don’t need ironing because that takes up too much time. Sound familiar ? In
my opinion that’s when it all starts going downhill, when we become a second
or third priority. And it’s not like we’re dumb, we can SEE what’s going on,
we KNOW things are getting out of hand, we FEEL the changes going on but it
just doesn’t SEEM that important, we always think that tomorrow we’ll start
getting things under control and as I’ve come to learn that’s a lie. It
becomes important when the problem is already there, when it’s causing us
health problems or when we actually feel like shit, yup, nasty comparison but
it’s true, and then we try everything to at least recover the essence of the
person we used to be. All
of this dawned on me as I was relaxing at home so I decided to make a promise
to myself that I would never “put myself 2nd to nothing”, I’m
first, I’m more important than weeding the yard, I’m more important than a
lot of things that I put before me. No more. Now ”I have to find the time for
me”, this is my only life, no second time around to make things different so
why am I always putting myself off ‘till tomorrow ? I’m
living for today. I’m going to take care of me today, everyday. I’m going to
love myself today. Have
a great week !
June
24 2001 The
medicine I’m taking really bums me out, at least I only have 3 more days to
go to finish the treatment. Today is my day off ! I don’t know why but my
body is always very soar on my day off, my muscles are achy and I’m just
tired in general must be phsycological. I
hope that after I finish all my medicine I willl be back to normal, to
feeling full of energy, I better be in top shape for my vacations because I’m
planning to do a MILLION things and
it just won’t be any fun if I’m feeling all lazy and tired. I’ve been bad, yes I can’t lie, I ate 2
little bags of roasted peanuts (which I love) and about 3 handfulls of
caramel popcorn, ugggggg, I feel as guilty as a dog, it wasn’t THAT bad I
guess, specially since I’ve been really good with my food for the last week.
The way I see it is I can eat everything I want as long as it’s in a moderate
way. This means that I can have 1 small slice of cake ocasionally (not
everyday), peanuts ocasionally (these I love but they’re packed with calories
so I have to be extra careful with them), etc... For
example I LOVE PIZZA, but have I had any ? Nooooooo....and I’m actually
proud, the last time I had pizza was over 3 months ago so I really shouldn’t
get worked up about some peanuts and popcorn. I’ll
know for sure next saturday when I take my pictures, that’s where I’ll be
able to tell if I’m doing things right or I need to modify something in my
program. Well,
gotta go. Have a great day !
June
22 2001 I
knew I wasn’t crazy ! Something was going on with my body. That tired feeling,
being without energy and feeling over worked, all of it has an explanation. I
got my results back from my visit to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and
apparantly I have an infection of some sort. Not your average infection, not
at all, it’s one of those that just kind of lurks around until it finds a
proper moment to attack thus taking a toll on your body because your never
REALLY sick but you usually feel kind of sick if you know what I mean. Or one
day you feel like you can take on the world by yourself and the next you feel
like you can’t even get out of bed. But HAAAAAAA ! my body is now preparing
for combat, now I know who my enemy is and we’re going after it ! lol,
actually I do feel a lot better since I started taking my medicine and it’s a
6 day treatment so I should be all set and ready in time for my vacation :) On
a more scary note I want to report a gain, YES, it’s horrible, ½ a kilo,
which is about 1 lb. and I feel bad :( What’s going on ? If I did any more
exercise my arms and legs would actually fall off. Now, I know I’m not
following a specific diet but I’m not really doing bad with my eating. I
really am taking a lot of care with what I eat. I’m hoping against hope that
it maybe has something to do with my illnes (yeah, right) or maybe because I
started drinking a lot of water again and I haven’t “disposed” of it yet. Who
knows. Ahhhhhh....I tell you. But
of course there is some light to shed on this experience, even though the
scale seems to HATE me my clothes don’t, and I can actually see my clothes
starting to look really big on me, the pants, the tops, everything. Maybe I
gained muscle weight, that could be it. I’ll never fully understand this
weight loss thing, the numbers are too complex. I’m
still optimistic about it, I’m still going to do the work. I really want to
do this. I
did my exercise yesterday even though I was very tired, that makes me feel so
proud of myself, my will power is really getting strong, I wish I could say
that about my gut. Well,
enough for today, I’ll be back tomorrow :)
June
21 2001 The
longest day of the year, that’s what today is in more ways than one. First
because it actually is the longest day of the year and second because last
night my husband and I had some beers (6 for me :() ) it had been a while and
we decided to have a little night off if you might call it that. So we just
watched some movies on tv and had us some beers, this morning I felt strange,
not hung over just very tired, and then when I went to FitDay to figure
out how many calories I had consumed yesterday against the ones I burnt I was
totally shocked, wow, it’ll be a while before I have myself another beer. I
enjoyed it so I guess it was worth it and even though I feel like I haven’t
slept in 3 years and just seem to be dragging myself around in a very ghostly
manner I am still going to sit my butt on the bike and get to it (just
thinking about it makes me tired). My
skin is starting to get that orange skin effect, I guess that’s good because
that means that the fat is melting away and it usually doesn’t melt away
evenly, actually I wonder how long it actually takes to get in shape, I know
it must depend on how much weight has to be lost and the different levels of
activity each person does but still I feel there should be some standard. It’s
funny how we get so impatient when we’re losing weight we want it to happen
now, we can’t wait, but let’s see, it took me about 12 years to put on these
layers and layers of fat so why would I even think that I would be rid of
them in just 3 months ? Just wishfull thinking I guess. Just
9 more days until I take my progress pictures, I’m so excited and nervous,
what if no changes have been made or if they’re not visible to the human eye
? No something has to show because the scale has moved from that day. I’ll
just have to wait and see. Have
a fun and healthy day all :)
June
20 2001 Well
yupi, I guess ????? Let’s see, I didn’t lose any weight, but I lost a little
in measurments as you can see here. Arrrrrrgggggg, it just seems so unfair, all
the hard work I’ve been doing and the eating to just shed one little cm ? I
guess it’s better than nothing. Yup, welcome to Plateauville, if you look to
your right you can see all the stubborn fat that has settled in and refuses
to leave no matter what. I
wish I could be a fat cell, then I wouldn’t be bothered about being fat, lol,
I know I know, dumb little joke but I’m allowed one stupid joke today on
account of not losing anything :() I’m
willing to bet that this “not losing weight thing” has got everything to do
with my “not drinking a lot of water thing”. I must confess that I was really
bad in that area, hardly drank any water at all. I don’t know why because I
really do like the stuff it just wouldn’t go down. But today I jumped right
back on the water wagon, my eyes feel like they might pop, lol. At
least I’m looking at this whole ordeal with a sense of humor, I really don’t
feel like being all depressed and plus the high point is that I DIDN’T GAIN
anything. I’ve
been trying to work out a plan for exercising on my vacation and I’ve come up
with a couple of good ideas. I’m actually considering signing up at the local
gym fo the 2 weeks I’m going to be there (if you can imagine that) or I just
might stop thinking about it and relax
(it is my vacation after all) and just try to be really good with the
food and maybe go walking around. I still have to adjust my thinking to this
new healthy lifestyle of mine and learn to cope with the feeling of TODAY I’M
NOT DOING ANYTHING, which interpreted into my being fat language means, you
lazy slob or something in that order. I
still have to admitt that this transformation is doing me so much good, my
mood has improved 100% I went from
being in a bad mood all the time to being happy most of the time and this is
no riddle or mystery, I know why, I used to feel so insecure and always was
comparing myself to the thin healthy girls (and believe me where I live there
are millions of them) and I was just so unpleased with me and now even though
I’m not at my target weight yet (actually I still have a lot to go) at least
I’m doing something about it and every time I notice a change in my body it
boosts my self esteem up. If only I had done it before, but then again, it’s
never too late to make a positive change in one’s life.
June
19 2001 Today
is my official weigh-in and measurement day, I usually do it in the evening
after I exercise so I’ll post the results tomorrow, I hope there’s some
progress, I think I might have reached another plateau because I haven’t felt
any major changes in my body this week but I’ll know for sure tonight. I’ve
tried exercising in the morning and I just don’t seem to be happy with that,
I usually get bummed out before I finish all my sets and get really nervous
and jittery and on the contrary when I do my exercise in the evening/night I
get really relaxed and I sleep really good. I’ve gotten into the habit of
watching tv while I exercise, lol, before I would go grab “anything” to snack
on while I watched tv and now as soon as I turn it on I feel like getting on
my stationary bike and start peddaling even if I already finished with my
workout, that goes to prove that we are animals of habit. Last night as my
husband and I went out for our little walk with our dogs it started raining,
pouring actually, we had just started our walk so it would have been wise to
just turn back and go home but we decided on continuing our walk and we had
the best time ! It had been so long since I did something like that, just let
go and enjoy :) That brought me back to when things were easier and we would
be surprised at anything. And again I learned something new in this journey,
the simplest things in life are the best and how good it feels to be able to
“feel free” of all our chains and look up at the sky while the rain pounds on
our face and laugh so hard our stomach hurts. I love this new me.
June
18 2001 Will
power, control, level headed. These words seem so small, so easy, and yet
they are the hardest things to do. It’s sort of funny, 2 months ago I was a
total mess, I smoked like there was no tomorrow, I ate like crazy, in other
words I was on a ride downhill that was going to end in a big crash. Where
did I suddenly get this will power ? It’s hard enough quitting smoking but
add to that a weight loss program and wow, what’s the result ? A totally new
me that I didn’t even know existed, that surprises me everyday, that makes me
feel so proud and that’s so in touch with me that I can easily cry, cry for
all the damage I did and for the little self respect I had for me and my
body, but they’re tears of joy because I finally after 33 years of fighting
have seen the end of the tunnel. It’s like learning the secret of happiness,
the key that opens every single door in the world, the cozy feeling of a
rainy day and ironically all of these emotions fit into one little word,
“control”. This journey has turned out more exciting than I expected. Soon
I’ll be going on my vacation I’m getting thrilled about that too and
wondering if the people I’m going to see will be able to see the NEW me. Have
a great day !
June
17 2001 What
is it about PMS that can alter our life in such a drastic manner ? Everything
seems so ultimate and dramatic. I can almost see myself in one of those soap
operas being a drama queen. What seemed so utterly hopeless these last few
days has suddenly turned into something so simple,lol, and I’m just in the
best of moods, scary, huh ? Everything considered I think I’ve done excellent
with my diet and general exercise program, I have pushed myself too hard
because I feel totally drained from every drop of energy, like an old
chicken, I feel like I could fall asleep anywhere at anytime. Another change
I’ve noticed is my water intake, at the very start I was drinking more water
than I needed and now it just seems to get harder and harder, I drink a lot
of water while I’m working out but not enough for my daily requirements. There’s
a reason for pushing myself so hard these last few days, I want to look
like a beauty queen to impress some
people I haven’t seen for a while (what a dork, right) but now I’m like
“forget that” I’m happy impressing myself everyday. Whatever progress is made
by the time I visit these people will be good. The last time they saw me I
was much heavier than now. I’ve
been reading weight-loss journals (I love to do that, I feel so in touch with
the person) to try and figure out if everybody feels so totally exhausted, I
wonder if it’s a natural process of your body or it’s the exercise that bums
you out. My appetite is so strange now, I hardly feel hungry at all, I’m
eating normally, I’m not starving myself or anything like that, it’s just
that I get full faster and longer than before. I’m so excited, I want to see
my progress pictures, I’ll be taking them on June 30 to post them on July 1st
but I’m desperate to SEE the changes, my husband says that I look so much
thinner, arrrggggg, I need patience. Today is my day off, so no exercise
today but I’ll be back to my routine tomorrow. Have a great weekend all :) June
15 2001 My
life seems to be heading towards a change at TOP speed, for economical
reasons it seems we might have to move to another country, that’s a very
stressful thought, I have family overthere but still it’s a scary situation.
At this point a few months ago I would be eating MADLY, trying to calm my
nerves and anxiety with food and what a relaxing thought indeed it is to lose
yourself into a pizza or some other fatty food or of feeling that total
withdrawl from emotions when your shoving your face, you worry about nothing,
nothing hurts all you feel is that warm calm emotion as if you were “secure”
and nothing could harm you. I’ve come a long way from those days, I’m biting
my nails off and I’m a total nervous wreck but I’m FACING my problems instead
of hiding behind a Big Mac. It’s harder than I thought because I’m such an
emotional being every little pain seems to be amplified and all of a sudden I
feel so frightened and fragile, I never realized before this what a big armor
food is and how we look at it as our buddy “you understand me”, “you don’t
judge me”, “you take me as I am and ask for nothing in return” but that’s the
biggest lie of all, it does ask for something in return, it makes you it’s
slave, it takes your self-esteem, your health, your confidence. What a hard
battle to fight, how to put everything in perspective again. I’ll start by
taking a big breath and I’ll take it from there. Things have got to get
better everyday. I’m
still doing fine with my exercise and my eating, I notice that by the end of
the week I’m doing the same distance on my bike but in more time it must be
because I’m pushing myself to hard I might back off a little bit. It’s all
for today, enjoy your weekend :)
June
14 2001 My
husband and I have aquired a taste for taking long walks at night, we have 2
dogs so we enjoy walking them around, last night we noticed that these walks
have been increasing in distance and we were shocked because we hadn’t even
noticed how long we were out. We had been talking about all the stress that
we’ve been going through, about the different changes we want to make
starting from our health and continuing on to the place where we live and we
realized that we were bummed out, physically I mean, we’ve been doing a lot
of physical activity plus the extra stress we’ve been feeling has had us
feeling like two very tired people. Last night after we came in from our walk
we decided to try some relaxation exercises, so we lit some candles, put some
soft music on and laid in the living room, wow, it was a great experience.
I’m not going to tell you that all my problems are now solved but I can say
that I’m looking at things in a different way, not as tense. We’ve decided to
include these relaxing 15 mins. to our everyday routines, like our little
“time-out”. I hope it helps us clear our head and let’s us look at life in an
easier way. I’ve
been really good this week with my food, I’m feeling very impatient about my
pictures at the end of the month, I’d like to take them now and see what’s
going on but I’ll wait. I don’t feel any thinner but the scale says something
different. I’ll have to believe the scale :) June
13 2001 Yesterday
was an absolutely horrible day, even my files went nuts, I don’t know what
happened but this morning as I opened my files to update my page they had all
been reduced or something, I wasn’t feeling so good so yesterday all I did
was my bike, I did a little more but I still missed out on my 2 hr. workout.
But not all is bad, actually I’m feeling GREAT !!!!!! I have another loss to
report, yup, a whole kilo which is a little more than 2 lbs. !!!!!! I also
lost some more fat according to my measurements as you can see here. That really makes everything worth while
:) Life seems so much brighter today.
My goal is to weigh 70 kgs.(about 155 lbs) by december, I’m thinking I
might reach my goal after all. Yesterday I went shopping, I needed some pants
and shoes and I must admit that I was surprised when I found out I’m one size
smaller in pants and half a size smaller in shoes ! WOW ! I tell you, I must have
been glowing :) I’m so happy I made this decision I was at a point where
either I started losing the weight or I ended up putting a lot more on. This
journal has been such a good idea, it makes me accountable to myself, many
times we cheat and lie to people about what we eat or do but we can’t lie to
ourselfs and when you sit in front of the computer screen you feel the
obligation to be totally sincere about what’s going on. I encourage all the
people out there who are wanting to start a weight loss program to also start
a journal, if it can be online it’s better, you get support and courage from
so many wonderful people that are feeling just as you do somewhere in
cyberspace and you feel the need to not let these people down. Thank you all
for making this journey easier :)
June
12 2001 Today
I’ll keep it very short because I’m in a horrible mood, PMS has taken control
of me :) I’ve been thinking of making some major changes in my life, maybe
even a relocation, hubby and I will have to look closely at this option, we
are just not very happy were we live now. I don’t have much more to say, my
head feels like it’s blown up and I feel really bla.......
June
11 2001 Back
to Monday ! Yeiiii ! I’m probably the only person in the world who actually
loves Mondays :) It
was a lovely weekend and today has started off great. Everyday I feel my body
change, everyday, and now I’m experiencing something new, yes, every morning
when I get up I’m actually hungry, and very hungry at that. That’s a novelty
to me because I used to never feel hungry in the morning, don’t know the
reason for that but I’m betting it’s a good sign. For
those of you that are reading my journal you might think that nothing else
goes on in my life or is more important than my weight loss ordeal, actually
that’s not true, I have a wonderful life, but the way I see it is that this
is my WEIGHT LOSS journal and that I feel the urge to register every emotion
or change that occurs in that subject. It’s great to have a way of letting go
of all the emotions that build up when you’re making a big change in your
life. I was recalling the horrible feeling of going shopping for clothes and
wearing what fits instead of what you’d like to wear, or when the sales lady
looks at you and says “no, I’m sorry, we only have small sizes in that style”
while all the time I’m thinking, “you dumb cow, I hope you never get fat !”,
so then you just stop going shopping and you go into what I like to call “THE
T-SHIRT MODE” you know the one where you start accumulating old, bleached
looking t-shirts and a bunch of baggy sweat pants or something similar. In my
case I have about a million t-shirts with all sorts of dopey figures from
teddy bears to “I’m very huggable” scribbled on them. In the back of my mind
I think these things make me look “thinner” or “not as fat” but HAAAAAA! when
I look at pictures of myself with my big-ol-t’s I want to break down and cry,
it turns out I have no form whatsoever, I look like a big square thing ! I’ll
tell you one thing, I’m going to LOVE the day I throw away my big t-shirts,
yup, I’ll throw them all away. Not yet, I still don’t feel confident about
showing my complete set of blubber. And then as the climax of all my effort
and pain, and in revenge for all the humilliation and torture I’ve received
from the sales-ladies I’m going to go and buy one of those little t-shirts
(the ones that leave your belly sticking out), yeah, I’ll show that sales
lady :)
June
10 2001 Life
just seems to have a way of working itself out, always ! All the fears and
doubts I had yesterday are vanished into air. My husband has suddenly become
motivated into doing exercise and losing weight, he says that he’s inspired
by the changes he’s noticing in me ! Wow, and here I am wondering if I’m
capable and strong enough to do this. So again I re-gained my confidence, of
course I can do this, and for my vacations, well I can try to at least go
walking everyday and just be active in general, my food plans have no reason
to change, I’ll just keep eating healthy, stay away from the junk food just
as I’ve done here. I’ve been using
this cool little program, Weight Commander, it’s a really great
thing, it helps you register the
changes in your weight and makes charts of your progress and estimates your
future changes. It also helps you with diet tips and you have to weigh
yourself everyday to register it with the program, it’s odd at first because
one day you’ll weigh 80 kgs. and the next 79, the body really does some odd
things when you’re losing weight. Anyways the great thing is that I went on
the scale today, grinding my teeth because I’m very close to my period (and
every time this happens there is always a temporary weight gain) and I was
pleased to see that I actually lost weight ! Yes I’m now at 78 kgs, that’s a
½ kg. loss since june 5 or about 1 ½ lbs. Yeeeppiiii!!!!! That means that in
total since I started this whole ordeal on March 26 I’ve lost 5 kgs. or 11
lbs., let’s see, that’s about 3.5 lbs. a month, I know I could probably be
losing faster if I did some kind of diet, but again I’m not in a hurry my
program is for a year. I’m still thrilled, small little baby steps. I hope all
of you out there that are also involved in a weight loss journey are also
feeling satisfied with your progress. It’s about loving yourself, inside
everyone of us that has a weight problem there is a beautiful, confident,
secure person that we’ve hidden away for many different reasons. We just have
to reach in and let this new person out.
June
9 2001 Another
weekend, nice and relaxed, sometimes I feel a bit stressed out because my
workout routine gets altered because of weekend plans but I have to learn to
relax and just make the best of every day. I seem to have this fear that if I
don’t follow the program and I slack off I’ll fall off the wagon and I’ll
never get back on and it feels so good to be losing weight and feeling in
control. One of the mails I got in these past days talks about that, about
feeling in control and about how wonderful it feels to be in control. I’m
actually becoming very nervous and jittery because I leave for a 15 day
vacation on July 1st. I’m very excited because during this time
I’m going to see one of my favorite artists in concert and I’m going to
reunite with family members I haven’t seen for a couple of years but instead
of feeling totally happy about this I’m feeling a little bit upset and
nervous because I won’t be able to continue with the exercises. I’m going to
be as good as I can with my diet but I know I will still feel guilty about
not doing the work. This is I guess as obssesive as one can get, right ? LOL. I
guess that same behavior is what got me to this spot in the first place maybe
if I hadn’t been so obbsesive about food I would have never lost control of
it, there’s something to think about :) Anyway, I’m going to have to learn to
live differently, in general. Maybe some of you have felt the same things
that I’m feeling. I guess my main fear is that I’ll get lazy again and start
getting fat all over, I just don’t trust myself, lol. Those are the things I
have to change, now I know, the difference between before and now is that now
I’m the one that’s in control.
June
8 2001 Yesterday
I reached a point that had been unknown to me for all my life, it’s a
“breaking point” where you’re burnt. I know this sounds like gibberish I
didn’t understand it myself until yesterday, when your body reaches a moment
of conditioning where you’re burning fat (after you burn the calories you
consumed that day you start burning the stored calories or fat) your muscles
have to start pumping to burn those carbohydrates because your brain is
instructing it to do so and even though your muscles don’t hurt like the
first time you started working out they’re still totally shot and your whole
body feels like you’ve been carrying rocks around for a couple of days. The
important part of this is that it’s good to feel that way because that means
that your body is burning the excess fat, basically this is what we workout
for, to reach this process. I’ve been noticing changes in me the most
important being that I’m not hungry all the time and to my surprise when I
eat I can’t eat as much as I used to, I haven’t been doing this on purpose
it’s just something that’s happening, I have no explanation for it I’d kind
of figure that I would be hungrier with all the extra exercise but no, I
guess it doesn’t work that way. Today I woke up feeling less tired than
yesterday but my body is still very achy, actually yesterday I did the same
amount of time on my bike but managed to do it slower (I’m just happy I did
the work :) I’m going to take it easy over the weekend, I think I’m doing
good and I’m glad I’ve reached the “burning point” but I feel very tired. I
had been stuck at the 80 kgs. plateau for a long time and then suddenly last
week it broke and I went down to 78.5 kgs. that’s excellent but I don’t want
to lose weight too fast because I don’t think my body would respond too well.
Anyways I’ll register the changes that occur over the weekend.
June
7 2001 I
think I’ve pushed myself a bit too hard in the exercise department I feel
exhausted today, very sleepy and my body is soar all over the place. It’s good
because that means that it’s working, it’s strange because I’ve been doing
them for almost 3 months you’d think my body has gotten used to all of the
activity, I guess not. I’m taking a day off today, not from exercise but from
work, I’m lucky to have my own business (in partnership with my husband) and
he offered to give me the day off, he noticed I’m beat. So today will be
relax day, I’m going home now, slipping into a big t-shirt and watch some
good movies I’ve been meaning to watch. No, don’t worry, my whole attitude
for food has changed so there will be no snacking, just maybe a big bottle of
water and I’ll continue with my exercises in the afternoon. I’m going to have
a beautiful day ! :)
June
6 2001 Yesterday
was official weigh in and measurements day and I’ve taken off a couple of
cms. more as you can see here. I’ve been giving this whole weight loss thing
some thought, I’m trying to remember when it was that food became such an
issue in my life, when it started controlling me. There’s no true reason why
this had to come this far, I used to eat out of boredom most of the time it
was almost automatic, you got nothing to do ? grab some cookies. I also have
to admit that I was totally inactive, there was zero exercise going on in my
life I remember I used to wake up in the morning and feel my legs really
heavy and my ankles would be really swollen, I thought nothing of it just
kept packing it right in. My fatness has always been strange, my skin seems
to be really hard so it would never really “expand” it would just look
swollen, like my skin really didn’t fit me, and I have to say this as weird
as it may seem but my belly button was crooked ! It didn’t look like it was
in the middle it seemed to be more towards the left ????? I know that this is
because my gut was so big but still it looked really freaky. I’m not saying
by this that I’m all nice and thin now and I’m far from it but things are
starting to change, something is going on in my body, everything seems to be
melting away but even so my pants are still tight on my waist and stomach, my
pant seats look like I left my butt in another set of pants, my bra fits
better but I still look “too big” like a football player, nice and square.
I’m still thrilled about it I’m positive now that if I keep this up I will
make some major changes in my body for the first time in my life. I’ll leave
it alone for today. I’ll keep fighting this dirty little battle with
chocolates and potato chips.
June
5 2001 I’m
so happy ! My doctor confirmed my weight yesterday, actually I weighed a
little over 79 kgs but he said that I probably weigh less than that because
when I went on the scale I had my shoes on and jeans, he figures half a kilo
less and guess what he’s right !!!!!!!! I weighed myself this morning and
sure enough there it was 78 ½ kgs. WOW!!!! Let’s see in lbs. that would be
173 considering that when I started the whole ordeal I was weighing 182 lbs.
or 83 kgs. so as you can see this is
great news. I actually can’t believe
it’s really happening I haven’t been this weight for I don’t know how long it
feels great. I’m very motivated with my exrcise although yesterday was a
little harder than usual I took longer doing it and it seemed more difficult.
I told my doctor about my caloric intake because I’ve noticed that a lot of
people eat an average of 1200 to 1500 calories a day and I’m eating an
average of 2200 a day, he said that it’s a good amount considering the
physycal activity I do on a daily basis, just stay away from fatty foods and
try to concentrate more on proteins and fiber, drink a lot of water, he said
that maybe I won’t lose weight really fast but that I will lose it and keep
it off and that my weight loss goal should be planned out for 1 year. I feel
really good about myself and again I think there just might be hope for me
after all.
June
4 2001 Today
I woke up feeling great about myself, I didn’t do exercise yesterday because
I always take sunday off (I’ve been told that it’s a good idea to take at
least one day off a week from exercise to let the muscles rest) and although
I do feel a bit guilty I still feel good. I’ve noticed how it’s not that hard
anymore to control what I eat, it seems that as each day goes by I’m more and
more in control and that’s wonderful, for exmaple last night, I had the
opportunity to eat a big slice of pound cake sprinkled with nuts or a banana,
I’m not saying it was easy but after giving it some thought I decided on the
banana and while I was munching on it I couldn’t avoid feeling a bit smug
about myself, I had the option and I went for the healthier one. Months ago I
wouldn’t even have thought about it before swallowing at least 2 slices of the
pound cake. Today I have an appointment with my doctor, this is my first
official weigh in since I started my whole weight loss program, I’ve been
weighing myself as you can tell from my log but as I mentioned before I haven’t seen a
lot of changes on the scale, on the contrary sometimes I seem to have gained
more weight which is really stressfull because I know I’m measuring less. It
makes me wonder if I’m just shifting the fat around from one part to another,
you’d think that if your getting smaller you’d reflect it on your
weight. I’m going to mention this
situation to my doctor and see if he can maybe shed some light on this
mystery. Well I hope I’ll have some answers tomorrow.
June
3 2001 OMG!
I am sooooo happy, last night my husband and I went to the supermarket and as
we were standing in line to pay a friend of ours who we haven’t seen for a
while came up to us and after saying the hellos she said “You have lost so
much weight” I was in total and absolute shock, I almost felt like hugging
and kissing her, she’s the first person that’s noticed that I’ve been loosing
weight and she said that its A LOT ! Wow, that made me feel so good, it’s
like finally there are some results for all the hard work I’ve been doing,
like finally the effort is paying off and specially finally there is some
recognition for staying on track. I have so many plans for “when I’m thin” that I felt would
never happen but with the comment from last night there was a certain glow of
hope like maybe I will get thin if I hang on to my dream. |
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