Howdy....
So its been a two weeks since I last wrote.. How do I feel? I dont really know.. Im not sure how I feel about anything at the moment. I know I feel alot of things are missing from my life. I dont really feel complete at all.. I dont know what I need to feel more complete.. I havent been sleeping very well for the last couple weeks.. Its like when im on night shift I go to bed at 7am when I get home and I find myself lying there and I cant sleep till 8-9am and then when I do wake up its only after sleeping 3-4 houts. My body feels tired and my heart feels like its missing something. My brain hurts from thinking too much. Im so tired.. I just want to sleep but have to work for another 4 hours.. Im bored.. I know Im sick of going to clubs.. Thats the only thing that i do know. I need to find and make new friends who can do more then just going clubbing every single night. I want more substence.. I know even from my realationships that I have had the only thing I have had on common with any of them was that we we're both gay... I want more then that.. *sigh* but i wont talk about my being terminally single because I really dont feel like making myself depressed about it. I dont know what all to say because im too tired to think. But I feel something but I dont know what I feel. I dont know if I feel anything anymore. My heart is empty. I feel very alone even though ive been around different friends alot. Saturday night was fun having a BBQ at my friend Heath's place.. He is moving into a building this week so he wanted to have one last BBQ at his place.. It was fun.. But I just watch him and his boyfriend.. They have there own place. They seem to totally balance each other. Its really cute they way they are together. So much about them.. I have been around them alot in the 2 years they been together but I never really watched them. Not the affection stuff. Just the way they are together. Anyways I sat at watched them and im very happy for Heath.. I knew I saw something the night he ran into Cory at Boots on night and they just kept talking.. I saw something so i went up too them and told them to kiss and that I wouldnt leave them alone until they kissed.. Now its two years later and they are still together and im really jealous because I look at them and they have everything I want.. I really good realationship.. I love they share for each other. There own place.. So many things that I want and dont think I will ever have.. But at least I will have both of them to be around for Pride day this year. Pride day is 3 weeks away and its about the only thing Im looking forward too as of now.. But we'll see what happens.. Good things have got to happen to me sometime. I need to keep faith. |
