| Ok.. so ive now been writing these diary entrys about my life for over 5 months now.. and what a crazy 5 months they have been.. The year 2000 has been the worst year of my life.. From January till July at least.. So now its August.. I was determined to make the 2nd half of the year better.. and so far it has.. The trip to Ottawa/Montreal was good because it was a learning experience and I had to find myself again because I wasnt sure what happened to me over the months previous few months but I had known that I had become somebody I wasnt. I was really unhappy and really mad at alot of people.. I always used to be a person who put themself down and now even though I was going thru alot of negetive stuff I was putting on a fake smile to make things look ok even though there wasnt one thing in my life that I was happy about and frankly inside I wanted to die.. Then I hit what I think was rock bottom when I had got in a fight at a club one nite in June with someone who I thought was my friend. The months previous i had made friends with a huge group of people who I now refer to as a cult.. Which is kinda what it was like.. I hung out with them almost anytime I wasnt working and we we're all doing alot of drugs.. I started losing touch with alot of my friends and was also pushing my mother and family away from me.. All I was doing was working and hanging out with these people.. I cant say it wasnt fun because it was.. But the sad truth of it all is I hung out with these people from January until this incident and I honestly can say.. I really dont know any of them at all. I spent 2 and 3 days straight with them at times and I dont know any of them.. It is really quite scary when I think of it... The whole period I dont remember much.. Maybe its that I dont want too.. but I do.. I want to know what made me so angry.. I know parts of it. Like the fact I was the only one who had a real job for one.. So because of this I was spending alot of money on other people.. Which I dont have a problem with and never do I expect anything except for respect.. But I never really got that.. I remember one weekend I blew a whole 600 pay cheque and told everyone I had no more money. Only one of them called me the whole week to see how I was or even to do anything. He is one of them that I miss and respect.. His name is Scott.. he is very sweet.. he introduced me to to Adam who I wrote about a few entries back.. But anyways after this incident that nite.. None of them would speak to me. Everyone turned there backs on me.. I know what I did was wrong.. But there we're reasons for it.. I dont like being walked all over.. All I wanted was respect.. There are many personal issues between me and this one person... he had me charged with assault even though the morning after the inncident he called me and gave me a guilt trip for over an hour on the phone.. he said he wasnt going to charge me if I listened to what he had to say.. So I listened... and I cried... I dont know if what he told me was true or not.. But the truth was he didnt respect me and he went out of his way to make me feel like a piece of shit. Anyways because of the inncedent I couldnt go to anywhere I used to go club wise.. which was fine.. but one night i went to this one club that I love called fly and this one girl who joined the cult after I left deciding even though she didnt even know me that she would bitch me out.. Its bad enough that everyone else pretended I didnt exist. But now here is this girl who didnt know me.. Threatens me saying not to hurt her friends.. If anyone should be bitching me out it should be someone who knows me not someone who is doesnt know me and has an ovious one sided opinion. This was it.. That night I went home and cried myself to sleep.. I wanted to die.. Then couple weeks later came pride weekend in Toronto which is normally a happy/festive time but the whole weekend I felt like someone who was walking on egg shells.. and because of it had my worst pride day out of 7 that i had. So it was bad enough that I couldnt go out anywhere without someone giving me dirty looks or giving me some comments. Wasnt bad enough that for a few weeks whenever I went on gay.com someone would see me on and log on under some handle and threaten me saying that i'll get what I deserve.. But then I went on gay.com to be torn to pieces but a couple of people in the main room.. Made to look like im a total asshole... but then I talk to this guy and he tells me after another guilt trip that he decided that he was going to charge me with assult. Just when I was starting to be happy again.. But no the fact that i have people other then him making me look like an ass in a chat room. Not private but public? Why do i need shit like this? So couple days later I got a call from the cops saying that i was going to be charged with assault. So I went to the police station where they handcuffed me and was charged.. while I cried the whole time. Advice I would give to anyone.. NEVER GET YOURSELF IN THIS SITUATION!!!!!!.. So now I have to go to court on Sept 5... the day after my 25th Birthday.. Happy Birthday too me.. All i know is I know what I did was wrong and I regret that I did it but why do some people feel like blowing things into much bigger things then they are? Why do people feel they must treat someone so bad? All I did for any of these people was do things for them and would have went out of my way for them.. Thats the way I am and all I wanted was respect and I didnt.. :( I got hurt and was more upset then I have ever been in my life.. But over the past 2 months I have gotten closer to the REAL friends I do have. and i came clean to my family and told them everything that happened to me.. Which was good.. So last week me and my mom went away down to NY state for the week to Lake George/Saratoga Springs to go to the racetrack there and to get away from it all and bond.. Which was awesome.. :) I also on Wednesday met a guy off the net who I had been talking to for awhile who lives a couple out hours away from where I was staying. He drove out of his way to come and see me.. :) His name is Colin and when he drove into the hotel I was staying I was like WOW!! He was so beautiful and the date went better then I even imagined.. He was a total sweetheart and now sitting here 500 miles away from him I miss him alot.. I dont understand why there isnt anyone who is as sweet as him in Toronto? But I know we will see each other again soon so that thought makes me extemely happy.. :) After everything bad that's happened to me over the past few months its so nice that something good happened and I met a wonderful guy who makes me feel really special.. :) Its been awhile since I met someone who has.. :) So I came back on Friday night and went out with my friend Ian and Heath and talked all about him the whole night.. :) and im glad they can tolerate me talking so much.. But both of them are two of the best friends anyone could ever have.. :) They know absolutely everything about me and they both still love me and would tell you that Im one the nicest people they know.. Jeez that sounds egotistical.. :) But frankly if it wasnt for my friends (Ian and his b/f Jason, Heath and his b/f Cory, Chris(who we arent talking right now but i hope we do at some point because I miss him dearly) and his b/f Trevor, Dylan, Kimberley and even alot of my co-workers at both of my jobs who are amazing.. but too many too name... :) But if it wasnt for these people I dont know where I would be.. *SMILE* *cry* Never felt like crying so much writing a diary entry before... Anyways... I love you all and thanks for being there for me when I needed you the most! |
