7/6/2006
Psalm 55:17 �Evening and morning at noon I will pray, and cry aloud, and He shall hear my voice.�
Thank you to everyone who prayed with us last night at 10:00 p.m. (central time). I threw that in there last minute. When we started the adoption process, Mark and I decided we would pray together about it. We have gone through periods where we have and many periods where we have prayed on our own. But starting last night, we are hoping to pray together nightly at that exact time. We would love for any of you who think of it and want to join us to pray then also (of course, we would appreciate your prayers ANY time of the day).
Last night I had a little pity party, ironically right before we prayed together. I read more discouraging news on the message boards about PGN. I complained to Mark about the pain I feel in my heart each and every day. If you know the two of us at all, you know that Mark is a man of faith. He just takes what life throws at him and trusts that God will work it all out. I have often told him that if for some reason I passed away, I don�t really think it would affect him much at all, other than he would have to learn how to fix Lauren�s hair. He just takes what he is given, hands it over to God, and goes on. Don�t get me wrong�he is missing Maria like crazy. I know every day he hopes we will get that phone call. He just doesn�t dwell on it when we don�t. Now I on the other hand�I am a thinker. Okay, I am an over-thinker. (I just heard my mom say �Duh� over at her house, and my husband probably just rolled his eyes. J) I analyze, worry, fret, etc. I don�t want to do those things. But I have always been a bit of a doubting Thomas. I know deep down God is there, but logically, I am trying to figure out why this prayer hasn�t been answered. Is it because of the twinge of envy I felt reading about someone else getting out of PGN? Or is it because I am not praying the right way? Maybe He is going to teach me about deep loss and never let her come home. (Please understand�when I say, �deep thinker�, I am in NO way saying smart...if anything, it is a dumb way to live) Maybe that is why Mark and I are so good for each other�we balance each other out. (I do realize his job is MUCH bigger than mine J)
Yet yesterday when I read this verse, I thought, �Wow�. God DOES hear my prayers. It doesn�t say He will answer them right then and there the way I want, but no matter what time of the day, He hears those prayers. I am so grateful for that. I am very imperfect. I am working on the overthinking and hope someday I will become more of the believer my husband is. But even with all I am, He hears my voice. Wow.
Last night after we prayed at 10:00, Mark and I talked about the day God has chosen for Maria to finally become our daughter. Will the director of PGN, sitting at his desk and surrounded by files, just �happen� to pick up her file and stamp his approval? Will he wonder later why he did that? We don�t know. We don�t know when or how. We just know God will be there, just like He is here right now. |
