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4/24/2006 Dear friends and family and anybody else who may be reading, I humbly apologize for my downer update yesterday. It was a rough day. I can't say that today was just great. Of course, we have NO news. And we are really missing our little girl. But I can say that today I feel a little hope. Why? God is faithful. Deuteronomy 7:9, "Therefore know that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments." I will admit. There are times I think, "God, I really thought you were involved in this decision, that you wanted us to adopt Maria. Why have you abandoned us?" Okay, I feel like that alot. But then I am reminded over and over about his faithfulness. Like how God led me to Kentucky (chasing a guy) for college and turned those days into amazing growth in Christ times. Or how God led me to Stuttgart (maybe not too willingly) which led me to Little Rock which is where I met Mark. Or that I really thought I needed a job at one school and ended up where I am now with a team I LOVE and students who are like family. He has not ever failed me, though at times, it can feel like it. I have to believe that even though I cannot feel Him right now, He is there. Even in the darkest moments this week, God revealed Himself to me. I bumped into a dear friend from my former Bible Study (and I miss those friends TREMENDOUSLY). It was great to hear about where she is in her life. She and her husband are going on a mission trip this summer. Guess where? Guatemala! Or the sweet friend who e-mailed me and told me she is sending me a book (Christ based) that has gotten her through some hard times. Or holding my sweet niece Gillian, who is just three days younger than Maria, and knowing that somewhere, Maria is doing some of those same things she is. I even had to laugh at Target yesterday...I picked up a shirt to buy and noticed on the tag, "Made in Guatemala". Would I have liked to get a positive update today? Sure! But I didn't. Yet, I know, God is still with me. Thanks for staying with us too. Even when I am in a funk. |
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| 4/25/2006 1 John 3:2, "Beloved now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is."
Today, my sweet son Hunter pushed my buttons too many times. He has lately been telling people, "My mom won't let me _____." Fill in the blank with the answer of your choice. He has probably used it. He complained to my mom how I supposedly wouldn't let him go outside. (I can tell you that it is VERY rare for me to deny him of that outside/run off energy time!) And then he announced the other day that I won't let him have a motorbike. I don't even remember that conversation. Well, this morning he was going around the house complaining about how I won't let him have a horse! (I don't remember ever saying, "No, you canNOT have a horse" though I will say we live in the middle of town with a decent size backyard for a swingset, no horse stables...) I was irritated. And I told him. I let him know that I was NOT happy about him saying things about me that weren't true, repeating conversations I don't think we have had, and particularly for making me sound like the bad guy when common sense is the answer. I had a dark cloud over my head. I walked into the lounge and shared with the teachers the ridiculous conversations. (And warned his teacher it had been a rough morning) Suddenly they were sharing stories about adolescents and teenagers...apparently this stuff is just part of motherhood. But as I am sharing, I felt like God was poking me in the back (and I don't like to be poked :) saying, "Mmmhmmm....isn't that what you are doing with me??? You keep saying I have abandoned you. That I am not doing anything with the adoption. That I am not listening. But is it true?" Hmmm, I don't really want to hear that voice. Yet, I have to say, I have learned MORE about God as a Father from being a parent myself. Okay, God. Point taken. I cannot promise that I won't complain and mumble/grumble again. Nor can Hunter. I can say that I am sorry that I have put human characteristics on you. Ultimately, you are God. I am your child. Keep praying! |
| 4/26/2006 Dear friends, I really don't have much to share tonight. Again, no adoption news. We get asked more and more (and are very thankful we have so many who care) and more and more we don't even know how to answer. Someone asked me tonight if I thought it was really going to happen. All I could do is shrug my shoulders. We hope and pray it does, but we (or I) can't help but wonder if this is God's way of shutting the door. Maybe it is just another one of the many lesons we have to learn. And if so, then again, we have to trust in God...but it sure would hurt like the dickens! My verse for today (after such an uplifting entry) is one I have used before. But so accurate for life right now. Psalms 37:7, "Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him, Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass." Okay, it is more the first part of the verse I was talking about. Rest in the LORD. I don't know if it is just allergies or what. I am tired. VERY tired. And I have dark circles under my eyes, and I am running on very little energy. Meanwhile, I am feeling swamped with school things and home things and busy schedules. I almost feel like I am drowning. And I am looking for rest. I am even going to bed a little earlier. But thus far, I feel more tired in the morning than I do at night. I am guessing it is allergy/stress related. (Night time is when the coughs start) I just kind of feel like a walking zombie. Add that to each day with NO news about our adoption attempt or our little Maria...well, I just want to crawl into His lap, feel His arms rock me to sleep, and listen to His words of peace. I don't want to sound depressed...I am not really. I am honestly too tired to feel depressed. Just needing Him right now. On a more positive note, our Kuvi mission group is starting the journey home. They are on an 18 hour train ride to Calcutta (which I know I didn't spell right), then a two hour plane trip to New Delhi, one afternoon of shopping, then should be back by the weekend. My heart has just been hurting for their families left here...I am SO eager for them to return. A big thank you to Dianna for my "hope" book...I look forward to reading it. What perfect timing! |