| Humie's Laughables!!! |
 |
| Answering Machine Messages Continued... I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CANT come to the phone now, I mean, life, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I uess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. this is so confusing. Hi, you know the drill. Speak, worm! BEEP (works best is done in a DArth Vader voice. (recording of a busy signal) The number you have dialed, 555-5555, is no longer in service, the new number is, 555-5555 (exact same number) |
| This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it. Hello. This is Bob and John's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is. I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message. Hi, this is Bob and Mary's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone because my old job was horrible. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag. Mary's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking. I'm not programed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Mary will get back to you as soon as possible. Hello. This is Bob's answering machine, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. thank you for calling 555-5555. If you wish to speak to Bob, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Mary, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have the wrong number push 3 on your touch ton phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. (Very fast) Hi, this is 555-5555. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the one. If you want to leave your name and number, pleassse press pound, press3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extention 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud, and BEEP. Hi, you've reached Bob Smith. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requestiong charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional. sorry, Bob and Mary aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calluing regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone. (After a power outage) Hi, this is Bob. The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave a message. (Start, low pitch, slow) Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeellllllllllooooooooooo thhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrreeee evveeeeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyybbbbbbbboooddddddyyyyy...(Middle, normal)...home or Mary, Bob, John, and Steve. Nobody's home...(Later, high pitch, fast)...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen....(End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkeqBEEP. Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No diplomats are able to answer the phone, so at the sound of the capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell. Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gobachev, General Secretary of the Supreme council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proetariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literatur and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's COuncil of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, just call me Bob... You're growing tired. You eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will fell helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages... Hello, you've reached Bob and Mary. We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Mary likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. This answering machine has been connected to a 5,000 volt power supply that has been wired to this small kitten (pathetic mewing). If you dont leave a message, Fluffy here gets it. The choice is yours. Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? - Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen? (silence...BEEP) I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks. Andy Warhol sai that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, you 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry. I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just wanto check out my hangiwork, please leace our name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of th Treasury, please ignore this message. Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn...computer. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcasting System. This is only a test. Hi, you've reached Bob's answering machine. Bob isn't home right now, but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close and we tell eachother everything. You have reached the number you have dialed. |