Thurs, Jan 31/02 12:44am
Once again, up late, kinda tired, but don't really want to go to sleep. I do but I don't. I wish I had something to do, someone to yap at. I wonder if I lived on residence if I would. Come on, there's always gotta be someone up, about and around. There usually was in Windsor, whether I wanted to talk to them or not was a separate issue, of course, but there was. I could go out in the lounge and watch tv for a while or something... but I never really did, it seems. I always had someone to talk to, if not in reality then on the internet. Dirtmonster, usually. Hmn. Have I needed someone to get me through things this year like I needed D. at university? Doesn't seem so. Though, if Mair dropped out of the course, I'd probably change my tune. Still, I kind of miss my Windsor kin a little bit. Ian the DJ, and Julie the hippy, and my group in the English class with the crazy teacher. Lets see if I can remember their names: well, there was Leslie who was probably my favourite, who was really sweet and even took me to Taco Bell... there was Meredith who was really tall and really skinny and was probably really cool in high school, but I still liked her... and Jessie, of course, half Chinese and half Irish and all hot. Sarcastic always. Also tall. Chasen who didn't say much and always came in late and always had a coffee. That was before I discovered coffee, or else I'd probably have done the same. Wow, I really really do miss that/them/that time. Huh. Seems right now I'd give a lot to be on my way to that class... just that one though. It was the only one that I think I really, fully enjoyed. Oh shit, and Amy! Amy who I was always hounding, and being obnoxiously charming to! Oh man, I almost forgot! Heh, I think I'll always be a goof. I think it's my destiny or something. I got a letter from Maygan the other day that said she thought the same thing. Not that I'd always be a goof (though she'd probably agree), but that she thought... oh, how did it go? Ah yes... "I don't think people's feelings change from when they're a teenager. I think people just get wrinklier, and more hairy and more brainwashed into believing that they do belong." Smart cookie, that one. Hmn. I miss my Maygan. It's almost scary how on the same wavelength we seem to be. And if I'm ostracized for it, than I can't imagine how the world treats her for it... being a girl and everything. Damn place is hard enough on me sometimes. Not all the times, not by a longshot, but sometimes.
Watched That 80's Show again tonight. Second episode... much better than the first, though I still had my objections. The girl on it, Tuesday... well, I don't think I have to explain my droolings over her... but... they've made her nicely sarcastic and witty... but she's kind of a sap too, which bothers me. She likes the main guy of the show (I don't even know the guys name) and that's just so.... WRONG! Especially then. Now, hey, I wouldn't be surprised... people are knobs. But no *80's* punk chick is going to like a guy like that. Bloody hell, you know? Gah!!
I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to find a group of individuals. It's not easy, it's a lingering concept that definitely does NOT want to die. I mean, once it's done twitching and flailing around, it's going to be a pretty big blow towards my sense of hope. But... it's true. It's an impossibility, I think. And if not, well, it's very rare. There's an awful lot of mediocrity that seeps in everywhere... and the places I've looked where I've thought I'd find some kind of caring and/or individuality, like in the Windsor English(where you'd expect some unique, expressive and artistic individuals, or the North Bay corrections(where you'd expect caring and thoughtful individuals), or local punk scenes(where you'd expect some kind of unity and some kind of uniqueness), or churches(where you'd expect people to give a damn), but no. I come out of them with the same people I knew going in... the people who'd taken me to those places. Sure, there's decent people everywhere... like I was reminiscing about Windsor with it's Ians and Julies and Leslies... or here with it's Alanas and Mairs and Jens... but... I don't know. I get sidetracked by overpowering flaws sometimes. Hey, that's weird... 5 of those 6 I mentioned were girls. Odd. Of course, I didn't try to date any of them.
So... so you think you can tell
heaven from hell?
Blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field
from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
Did they get you to trade
your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ash for the trees?
Hot ash for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish... how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl
year after year.
Running over the same old ground
and have we found the same old fears?
Wish you were here.
Yeah, that's about all I have to say. Miss you, lots, okay?
Tues, Jan 29/02 6:49pm
Hoovers troubles continue. I guess he'd just left to head out somewhere, and I was settling down to a nap so I can watch Conan tonight (rumor has it Bad Religion's going to be on!!), and the doorbell rang. It was his ex, Steph. I thought he was here, so I came back down to get him, but he wasn't there. Not upstairs either. I think it kind of looked like I was lying for him too, because she just... well, didn't seem to believe me what he wasn't here. Ahck, no one believes me. But anyhow, she looked pretty distressed, so I... you know, asked if I could do anything. I couldn't, of course, I have an air of incompetence and indifference about me I suppose, and she kind of teared up but didn't actually do anything. Like, didn't go back towards the door or anything. I think she still didn't believe me, heh. But then finally she did turn, but it was too much and I had to give her a couple of hugs, and then she left. It was weird, because she'd said she just talked to him before leaving her place, and I was pretty sure he was around too. I mean, he left the light in his room on, and the bathroom light too (as usual, though he'll deny it). He wandered back in five minutes later, and when I got up to ask if he'd seen her on his way back in from whereever, I saw that she had, and was in the doorway again. So whatever, I'll leave that barrel of fun to him, thank you!
We were supposed to head out to the strippers tonight, but I don't know. I feel like it, but I also don't. I don't want to pay strip bar prices for alcohol I don't really want... I just want the tits, man! All day long, it's been a babe-fest for me, I don't know what it is... and all day I've just wanted to bury my face in some boobs n' snatch. More than usual, even. Man. It sure didn't help that Jen was looking *awesome* today, I'll tell you that. The strippers was Hoover's idea though, introduced to me with typical aplomb in the typical manner; "Want to go see some tits tonight?" So I don't know. Still may go, I don't know. I might as well, I don't have class tomorrow because of this Snofest thing that I'm not participating in. Would you be in something that has an event called 'bum darts'? No, I thought not. Well, not most of you, anyhow. There's a couple of girls in PFP that would be all over it.
What else? There was something else, I know it. Hmn. Oh yeah! Yesterday was kind of blah-turning-worse for me, but I was cheered up in the wee hours by a very unexpected source, by my last summer fling, in fact. Out of all the girls I've seen naked, it's strange that... no, it's just strange. She's strange though, so ehn, I'm not overly concerned. She started talking to me again a couple of nights ago when she told me about this dream she had that I was in.
Dreams? Dreams. I've had some nasty ones lately. It's fucking nightmare city, geez. Last night was really bad, totally convinced I was going to die before the morning returned. I don't know what the deal is, possibly some type of karmic realignment punishing me for my past wretchedness. I can't rule it out. I just hope it's over with soon... or hell, over with now so I can sleep well tonight!! Dag, yo!
Sat, Jan 26/02 6:56pm
What I'm doing now is trying to keep busy so I don't fixate on how excruciating this headache I have is. Doing a good job, don't you think? Yeah, I know, sitting behind a monitor isn't the best thing to be doing, but it isn't the worst either. I've spent most of the day up until now trying to sleep to avoid this, and it hasn't worked. I, of course, didn't get up and take any aspirin either though. So I've done that, and now here I am, both to take my mind off it and because I haven't written successfully in a while. Damn browser keeps crashing... which reminds me...
Ah, there's one save so far.
So, on Thursday I guess it was, Hoover had a question for me. He asked me who of all my friends ex's I'd sleep with. I really didn't know. Like, lets review. There's Ken who's had a triplet of blondes under his belt... ehn. Frank... with Shelley and Kirsten... ugh. Doug, with his Kim and Zoey... yow. Ron... with girls who've agreed to date him... basically my point was that I don't really find any of my friends old ex's or conquests very attractive. And not to be mean to the guy, but especially not Hoovers. Me, however, I think I've been through a cycle of decent to attractive young women, with maybe only one or two flukes along the way. They may all be crazy like shithouse rats, but they've been decent looking ladies. So who did I settle on? I don't even remember, it just wasn't that big a deal. Thinking now though, it'd probably be someone of Joels who he didn't give the lethal injection to. He manages some good looking girls himself. So yeah, none of that was at all surprising.
However.
It came to Hoovers answer, and I was a little... I don't know, disappointed? I suppose I was hoping to hear his answer be one of my ex's, or at least have one of them considered, but no that wasn't the case. Am I dating ugly girls and not knowing it? Or perhaps did Hoover just not want to offend me? Or simply, and more probably, does he find who I date as distasteful as who he dates? Now that's a solution.
Anyhow, what else? Hmn. Well, went out to the Moose last night with some people, had some beer (kind of... all they had on tap was Coors Light and Canadian, so you do the math) and had some wings (medium AND honey garlic, yum!) and that was about it. Oh, I got a set of my pictures back! Man, do I ever snap a good picture when I want to! The ones I got back were my mostly Toronto set, walking around downtown. Some of them are just fantastic, I'm impressed with/proud of myself. My favourite, of course (as I knew it would be once I snapped it) was of a couple of streetkids with a blanket with a cardboard sign that said "Help me become a Jedi knight". Mmm, it's a good one, alright. I just need to figure out what to do with it now, I need a frame or something. I think it was from my roll of fake black and white, and my T-Max is still waiting to be picked up.
So I hit on Jackie last night too. I just can't help it! She's so nice and sweet and pretty, and JC's such a... drunken weiner. Last night was a perfect example of it, but I won't go into too much detail, because it's just typical.
Wed, Jan 23/02 10:09pm
FUCK! I've felt consistently terrible all day, and I don't know why. I hope tomorrow's better, today's pretty much a write off at this point. I think it might be food related... I felt really good this morning. I got up early (5:30am) after going to sleep early last night (8:00pm), and put on my last can of Alpha-Getti. Felt good after that, right up until I got to school, pretty much... then things went wrong. I took $20 out of the atm (and spent an extra $1.25 in service charge doing so), to buy a coffee, and possibly a breakfast english-muffin thing with egg, bacon and cheese. None of those left, so I just got a coffee... with a $20. Well, I knew the cashier lady was going to give me lip, and she did, the bitch. So that was a bugger. And after getting shortchanged yesterday even. Then class... which was ridiculous and full of people I extra-couldn't stand today. So I took the test in the next class and left, skipping the dreaded/retarded English class. If I didn't, someone would have wound up dead, it was that simple. I went to the mall instead, dropped off 2 rolls of my film for processing, had some Mr. Sub, where they treated me like an idiot and fucked up my order. The woman tried to put SALAMI on my HAM sub. And 'sub sauce?', I say 'no'... so she puts on sub sauce. What the FUCK?! You know what? I don't even WANT to write about it anymore. Bah!
Mon, Jan 21/02 1:58pm
Hot DOG. So I'm sitting in school with nothing else to do but update. Fan-tastic, no? Anyhow, today started out as a good day to die. I mean, you want to die when you're on top of your game and things can't get any better, not when you're lying in a heap all depressed... because then things *can* get better, see. But no. Things have escalated today to a point where suicide is just not an option anymore. This morning was great though! I was calm and contemplative, I wrote a couple of English tech things, and then a little poem for myself that should be going up soon, because it's actually pretty good. The tentative title is, "The Cat That Ate the Canary".
Speaking of English, I'm fucking tired of English. I had an hour chunk of it today and was profoundly disappointed, as usual. See, it's like this... it feels like I've had a fully-fueled Zippo in my pocket for a decade or so, and now someone's trying to teach me how to take two sticks and start a fire. It's a constant barrage of blunt objects to the head. 'This is a paragraph.' 'An essay is formed like this.' Frig!! I mean, geez! And *still*, there's questions! The sociology class before was no dream either. I spent the entire class thinking about blowjobs, and scanning for who might give a particularly good one. I didn't come up with much, as a good portion of the class is fat ugly girls, and really, who expects a decent blowjob out of a chick who's never handled any dick to begin with? Nobody, that's right. Oh well. Mair and I both agreed later on a couple of girls who'd probably do it right. It's interesting how you can kind of pick them out of a crowd, if you just know a little about them.
Anyhow, all of a sudden I'm both itchy and hungry, so I think it's about time to bugger off and get something to eat before my *3 HOUR* counselling class at 2:30 which has no one in it that I like. Carmen split that class up, and did so very disappointingly. Given, there isn't an enormous section of the class that I do like, but I think I've managed to get stuck with the most annoying constituent of the population. Hip hip hooray.
Fri, Jan 18/02 12:50am
New sheets, yeah! It was cold as fuck out today, but on the bus ride on the way back from class I decided it was about time I picked up some new bed stuff. I managed to find black sheets, but that was about it, and I really wanted one of those bed in a bag deals. So no black, but deep purple, which is okay, I suppose. Hell, *I* like it. A lot, actually. I think I'm more excited about my new sheets than I was about Christmas.
Last night I did manage to get Hoover out to the dirt mall. I got the Diablo expansion, but no Baldurs Gate. I was a little late on that, and they're not making it anymore. Instead, I found Icewind Dale, which I've been looking for and not had any luck in finding, so that was alright. Then on the bus on the way back, my hopes for life here in North Bay were raised a little, only to be dashed back down this morning. See, on the bus on the way back from the mall, on hopped this attractive young woman. North Bay is short on attractive people in general, much less attractive black haired girls with black eye makeup and black leather jackets... who are short.
But then there was this morning, at the bus stop. Just standing around, it was cold, I wanted the bus to fucking hurry up... and there she was. Normally that'd be good, but no. Waiting with the high school kids. Ugh. Upper grade high school? Yeah, it's still fucking high school. Arrgh.
Wed, Jan 16/02 3:56pm
I love the government! Suck on that, you pissy punk posers! OSAP has come and bestowed it's glory upon me. And after all my bills, I have about $800 for myself for food, entertainment, beer and prostitutes. So what's first? Well, I'm waiting on Hoover to get back, and I'm going to get him to go to the dirt mall with me, out to Electronics Boutique. Pick up the Diablo expansion, Baldurs Gate expansion, and then back to Zellers for some bedding stuff. Then, a bar meal. Wings, cheese sticks, quesadillas, and the like.
Yeah!!
Mon, Jan 14/02 5:27pm
Fuck you Microsoft, FUCK YOU. One day your reign of inferior products is going to fucking END.
And screw you too Troy. And you, Chris. And up yours, guy-who's-getting-his-duck-sucked-by-Krista. I had a big long journal entry where I was humble and admitting my flaws of jealousy n' shit, but screw it. I aint rewritin' SHIT.
Mon, Jan 14/02 12:36am
Well, there's half a month for ya. Not so bad, not so bad. My streak didn't keep up, not that I thought it would, but it would have been nice.
Anyhow, no big deal. I'm feeling good right now. And really, that's kind of been a trend I've been enjoying. Hell, I don't even have that much to say right now, but I just feel good!
There's going to be a number of new things going up soon. I just posted a couple of poems that are actually pretty good that I must have wrote around September or November. What else...? Well, I just put up my ear syringe thing, which was a pretty good little story too. Kind of sick at the end, but definitely alright. Ooh, and right now I'm downloading Dyer Maker. Now *that's* a feel-good song. Ah, I love late nights... after I've had a nap, anyhow. But yes, writings. Well, as I look to my to-do wall, I notice that there's also an updated ex page on the way (just the epilogue/timely/authors notes, no new women), a story about my new years, a story involving a deceptive fat chick, and I'm not sure, but maybe something like a cast of characters and a who's who in my life, in case it ever gets hard to follow with all the different names. Kind of a glossary of jerkies, I guess. Oh ohoh oh oh oh... you don't have to go, oh ohoh oh! Man, it doesn't hurt that I'm watching Raw either. It's a good one too, they're really making fun of the Texans quite effectively. And Angle and Austin are coming back to being funny again, Jericho too, for that matter. And I mean come on... the return of HHH!?! Yeah!!
As well, I've got some mail lately too. On the same day I got both hate and praise, it was kind of cool. An interesting contrast, you know? So I took them both in stride, and averaged them out to believe that maybe I'm not doing a great job here, and maybe I'm not doing a terrible job, but dammit, at least I'm *average*, and at least I'm getting reactions now and then. And that contented me, very much. Ahhhhh. Do this next relaxing 'ahhh' with me, won't you boys and girls? Here we go... Ahhhhhhhh. Mmhmn, that's the shit!
There was something else... what was it? Hmn, I don't know. I will be beating off later though, that's definite after the Debra/Stephanie catfight I just saw. Fake titties everywhere, woo! Hey, and there's Trish's breasts! Yeah! Hey... Trish looks a little like Natalie... that's kind of weird. I bet neither of them can dance, heh. You know, I'm having some good fun with the Smackdown 2 that Doug burned me too. Fuck, on the occasions I get left alone, I'm on top of the fucking world, I am! But... no, not even just then. Because I'm really enjoying school again too. And I think tomorrow... oh wait no. Tomorrow is a Claude day, shit. But I think it might be... yep, it's a Tom day too. And *should* as well be a coffee-with-Alana day. Sweet. Fucking sweet.
Well, my download is almost done, so I'll be whackin' off soon! Buh-bye, I'll be thinkin' of you!
Sat, Jan 12/02 3:19pm
Oh YEAH! First time I've slept in in a long while, and what did I dream of? Cute Little Jen! Oh, I dreamed she was my cute little girlfriend, and it was so great! But first... I was dreaming that I worked at fucking Harveys, and I had to take care of the owner's retarded son for a night for some reason. I had a giant van like the theatre van and was driving around the retard, and my stupid friends. Well, eventually morning came, and the retard got hungry, so I went into Harveys with my dumb friends while the retard slept in the van... but the police came while we were making food and we all got arrested... leaving the retard in the van. It was just generally bad, I guess. Much better was the Jen dream. We were in my old public school gymnasium at some kond of lame dance, hut it was okay. We really enjoyed it for some reason. You know, it was really nice to be around a girl that didn't IRRITATE THE FUCK OUT OF ME, even if she was imaginary. Though I guess Jen isn't actually imaginary, and I guess she actually never has irritated me... and did say yesterday how well I'd get along with all her friends...
Fucking decent girls and their deadbeat boyfriends!!
Fri, Jan 4/02 8:39pm
What the FUCK. Okay, as if new years wasn't enough... as if the night before last wasn't enough, when I had Natalie over and, well... but as if those weren't, I spent last night at Dougs. Last night/this morning, I guess really. In the span of the night, there was Doug, myself, Justin, Ken, Joel, Tyson, Julia, Zoey, Lana, and a large breasted Krista, who is not the Kingdom Krista. Well, there was also a fuck of a lot of liquor, and we finished it all.
Man, I don't know where things started to go right. I guess it was after we got some pizza, and there was still just four of us, me, Doug, Zoey and Julia. Zoey got dipping sauce all over the side of Julia's face, and I licked it all off. I offered, and it was happily accepted. Cool. And then after a few more people showed up, and a couple more bottles found themselves empty, we started a game of caps. I had just been wrestled to the floor by 3 girls, so I just stayed there, half drunk, and quite content. Doug proclaimed that the idea behind the caps game was this: they were playing in teams, and that whenever someone's cap was knocked off, the team would have to kiss me. So I suffered through some really disgusting Doug & Justin kisses, but they were more than made up for by Julia, Lana and Zoey... especially Julia. I don't know what it was. Up until a couple of days ago I'd never really talked to Julia, she was always just someone who was off in the other room giggling with Zoey that I took no mind of. Well, I took some mind, she *is* hot, after all. But yeah. I started talking to her a couple of days ago, and when she isn't giggling like a goof around Zoey and friends, she's pretty cool. I had a couple of gift certificated to use up at the music store where she works and went out there one night with Chris. She was really helpful in trying to find me something good to use them on, and seemed especially delighted to find out that I like Billy Bragg. So yeah, from that night it's just been... interesting. And I got the feeling last night that if we'd been left alone for any period of time... well, something might have happened. I don't know what, really. A good conversation, a good kiss, I really don't know. Morning came and she drove Doug to work and me home to my dads. She remembered where it was, from way back a lonnnnggg time ago when she was there, which she said was weird because she has a really bad memory. She let me out second, and was really inquisitive as to when I'd be back from school again... a topic she was on again when I saw her at the mall just now. She hadn't slept, was there in the music store in her pyjamas, but still looked good and still seemed interesting. She actually called me over when she saw me go by. I figured, hell... the last time I'll see her in a while, I might as well let her know...
"So yeah... last night? Your lips were easily the softest in the room. Even more so than Justins," which was a sentence destined to fail but stayed afloat without a struggle. It wasn't the cheesy conversation stopper I thought it would be, but actually led to me feeling really good about myself afterwards, and to this point now still. So, I don't know. Ken's supposed to give me a call tomorrow as to if he can drive me back to North Bay. I don't expect him to, he's the fucking emperor of backing out of things, so that'd mean I'm around for another night and go back on Sunday morning. Maybe, just maybe, I might get another night out tomorrow then... I'd like to see what I could do with that... oh, you know what I'm saying. No, not like that! Oh, you perverted audience!
But who knows? We'll see if the gods are smiling upon me... and really, they can't not. If I stay, I get another night out in Brantford, possibly with Julia. If I go, I avoid a 9 hour, $70 bus ride in favour of a 5 hour, $40 (that's what I'd give Ken for gas) car ride. But... which would I really prefer?
Well, regardless, it's Friday night. Kingdom night, though I'm not really enthusiastic about it. I'll probably go late and leave early, actually. I mean, I can't really afford it, and I'm tired from last night, and if there was a way to call the Kingdom girls and tell them I wouldn't be around... well, I wouldn't be around. But, they're working til ten, I believe, which leaves not enough notice to not show up, and I don't want to fuck whatever it is I have going on with them up either. A guy like me needs a lot of options... so if he fucks up 9 out of 10, there's still one more to be ruined.
Wed, Jan 2/02 2:00am
Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. 2002. But hey, the retelling of new years events requires a separate page, and can't be contained in a journal entry. It might need it's own fucking SECTION, for craps sake. But basically, I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats, alright? Alright.
So horny... must go read... so horny... must go read...