Mon, Dec 31/01 1:27am
So big surprise, Natalie never called me. What the fuck is it about girls... they get you all interested in them and then *they* lose interest in you once they figure they could have you. I thought maybe she was working all of today, so I gave her a call around 10:30, and she wasn't there, so ehn. It's out of my hands unless I get a call or email tomorrow.
On another note, I feel sick. I borrowed the car and went out to the theatre for a while, and decided to scrub the bathrooms clean while there. I stopped to pick up a much needed, much deserved large coffee at Hortons first, and I think somehow bathroom cleaner got into it halfway through the cup. My main objective at the theatre, of course, was to pierce myself though. I've been through enough pressure, stress and strain lately to merit it, I thought, so I whipped out Murrays piercing gun, a pack of sealed earrings, and punctured myself in the ear. I didn't even think it worked at first, even after the few test runs... I felt it even less when *I* did it than when Murray did two years ago. But that was partially because of how I worked myself up with my newly purchased (or gift -certificated, rather) Suicide Machines disc.
Yeah man, this coffee is NOT sitting well. Fuck, I needed *this*. Something always gums up the works, you know? I go out to the theatre for a little selfless and meditative work like cleaning the bathrooms (which were filthy), and this is what happens. It's so fucking typical it isn't even funny. Man, I wanted to write more too, but I think I'm starting to feel the first signs of food poisoning. The cold sweat, the big stomach discomfort... yep, super. Just like last time. I know I should go make myself puke now to avoid more violent symptoms, but it's always been so hard for me to make myself do that. Too bad I'm not Joel, he's never had a problem with it. That guy makes himself puke and then goes back to drinking, geez. But frail little me can't take a little bathroom cleanser without feeling like absolute crap. Wonderful. Well, I'm off to feel horrible, maybe I'll try to heave outside in the yard. I don't want to in the bathroom here because my sister is right next door, with the door open, and still awake, I think. Fuck.
Sun, Dec 30/01 6:20pm
Emotional hangover. I'm bored and spun out and burnt. I just want something to do. Something uncomplicated after yesterday's minefield of enjoyment. I'm really trying to un-bitter, but fuck me in the ass if it isn't such a trying process. Haven't gotten any calls at all today, Hoover went to stay in Hamilton on Friday night, Doug's back at work and going crazy, Ken's probably in Toronto at work, Joel's in a constant pissy mood that I don't want any part of, and Frank and Ron are just write-offs. Hmn, maybe I could have some kind of Matt adventure later if I wanted though. That has potential. I do have to get together with him and Sutherland before the week is done, before I go back to North Bay on Saturday. Ken's offered twice now to drive me back, so maybe he's actually genuine about it. Fuck, that'd be a really nice deal. Oooh, I should email Megan too, there's something to do. I can always complain to her without fear of reproach, she seems to understand most of the time. Nice.
Basically, I'm just waiting on a call from Natalie about tomorrow night. I guess really if she puts forth the offer for new years again I'll just have to take it, I'm not really in much of a place to make any kind of demands. And acting like a bitter snot never got anyone anything. I just wish I didn't have to experience what I did on Friday night. Me and my perfect fucking timing again. But yeah... if I go with them on new years, well... it'll be painful and awkward... but life is all pain and awkwardness lately anyhow, so what's the big deal, right? And it's guaranteed that at least Natalie will plant one on me at the stroke of 12, so that's something.
I'm going to go write my Megan a letter, maybe it'll make me feel better. Fuck, I'm not even EATING since Friday...
Sat, Dec 29/01 7:06pm
Christmas came and past. Nothing new, nothing surprising.
Kingdom last night, day with the Kingdom girls today. Today went better than last night did, and not necessarily because of the quality of today. Last night was just bad bad bad. I was beyond furious last night, things were just not working out. I was having a real episode of depression and self doubt and shit, it came to a point where I couldn't even dance, because I was just generating more anger than I could put out and it was self-destructive to keep going. I guess it started with Krista, or rather, she set it off, by basically ignoring me in favour of some other schmoo. Yeah, that kind of bothered me. I mean, everyone wants to feel like they're at least a little special or important to someone else... arrrgh. But oh well. I went with Hoover and Ken, and Natalie thought they were both gay and trying to hit on me at first, before she realized I knew them. Even after that it was still kind of confusing for her, trying to think that they weren't both gay. That was really funny, actually. Probably the night's high point. I don't know though. Whenever in the past I've went to the Kingdom, there's been scores of girls that give me good looks. Last night just wasn't like that though, and I was kind of feeling like, "Well fuck... I'm not exactly considered attractive out of this place, and now trendys are taking over and I'm a freak here too? FUCK!"
Sudden thought: I want to kick Kirsten in the teeth. Mmm.
But yeah, I felt so rotten last night that I wasn't sure I'd want to hang out with them today, but Natalie called me around 11 and got me up, and I felt better, so I did. I suppose I'm glad I did, too. It was rocky at first. Krista was being a severe bitch to me, so I of course replied in kind. And then she starts asking ME why I'm being mean to her! I couldn't believe it. So she got all upset with me (should have been upset at herself though), and I had to give a brief synopsis of my life to get the peace back in things. They understood a bit better after my longwinded, but surprisingly not so clumsy explanation of things, and of me. Basically I told them about how I'm in fact pure evil, and how it's a struggle all the time to fight against that, and that it's a struggle I'm really fucking tired of. Natalie asked me if I was ever happy, and I shocked myself when I wasn't able to really answer that. Got me to thinking a bit about things. But I digress. Krista was cooler after that and didn't grate on me so much. We were all arm in arm in arm for quite some time wandering around and shopping, which was quite nice. I lost my skull pin that Justin gave me while wrestling the both of them in downtown Hamilton, or at least I think that's where I lost it. That was not so cool.
Eventually we went back to Natalie's place, and it was only like 4:30 and I didn't have to be back here til 7, so we just hung out for a while. Actually, I let them freak me up a little, hair and makeup. I don't know what it is, I just like girls touching my head. Touching any of me, for that matter, and they were definitely doing that. No make out session broke out or anything (sadly), but it was still kind of nice to feel a bit of affection like that. I met Natalie's mom and guess I scored huge points with her and her friend that was over. Being in school and being in school to be a correctional officer really spoke to her, it seemed. She realized what kind of compassion and heart I must have in me if I'm willing to take on a career in a field like that, because it aint fucking easy. She actually told me about a place downtown for troubled teens who's always looking for people, and it sounded pretty intriguing, really.
They invited me to some kind of new years party thing at one of their friends houses. I'm skeptical, but really, the only alternative I have is sitting around with Doug and playing Smackdown 2 all night. I just don't like groups of people I don't know who all know each other. Just the idea of it reminds me of new years with Sabrina's friends, which was really okay, but it was a struggle for me, as it always is with people I don't know. Of course, there are certain parts of that new years in particular I'd like to repeat... like scenes involving a locked bedroom.
But hey hey, no bounce no play. Not for me. Typical. I'm the only guy on earth who can't score with 2 chicks who want him, I do believe.
Time to relax on the couch with a fine array of treats. Just wish K&N were a part of the treats. Regardless... yum!
Mon, Dec 24/01 2:14pm
So there goes my sister talking to no one again. Or possibly to one of the cats. She has great conversations with those cats some days.
And here I am, a day before Christmas. Went over to Dougs last night for some uneventfulness, and got what I was looking for. I got to meet Joels newest girlfriend too, and was naturally not impressed. Oh, I was impressed by her large breasts, sure, but not much else. Especially not her voice, attitude, or Hurley shirt. Any retarded fuck wearing a Hurley shirt deserves to be shot with a ball of their own shit. But once again, that's just my personal opinion.
In other news, Doug's back to chasing around 16 year olds. His newest wish list pairing includes one of two of the girls he works with, both of whom, if I'm not mistaken, attend my sisters high school and yes, are 16. What a guy. I guess Zoey's approaching legal age, and hey, who wants THAT, right?! Man. I wonder why it is he likes them though. Is it because they're naive maybe? Regardless, I'm a firm believer of late year 23 year olds staying away from 16 year olds. Hell, I have problems at early 22 if I find myself attracted to a 18 year old! High school girls are high school stupid, end of story. What the hell are you doing, Doug?
Krista didn't call, which wasn't surprising, really. I tried to tell her on Friday that she should call Sunday because I'd be *home* then, not necessarily because I wanted to do something then, but that didn't work. We were too busy clawing each others eyes out, I suppose.
Alana isn't a very good writer. Her emails over this holiday leave much to be desired. That seems to be the current trend... because Krista is the same way. But people are always more interesting in person, I suppose.
Got my grades today. Somehow I kept all the scary C's away, and ended up with honours in two courses, A's in two more, and B's rounding up the rest. When I saw that I pulled off a B+ in my computers course, I burst out laughing. I only did 2 of the 8 assignments! I don't get it, but I aint looking no gift horse in the mouth to-day. As well, I managed a B in a course where I didn't do an assignment that was worth 30%. Kind of interesting, no?
I wanted to go and get a card to go with my mom's presents, but it's looking grim that I'll be able to do that, so I need to think up another option. I might end up unwrapping the damn thing and pasting the gift certificate right to it. What else did I want to get? Oh yeah, more film. My camera works, thank God. I got the pictures last night, 16 of the 24 turned out, but I know why the others didn't, and really, I was testing to see what I could get away with and what I couldn't anyhow. So now I know. I'm not really that concerned about getting the film today. If I don't have film in my camera, that means I don't have to take gay Christmas pictures. I just want to get some b&w film and wander around for a while. That'd make my Christmas.
As maybe you can tell, I really feel like writing. But I also want to get out of here while the gettin's good (read: while my mom's still out). I wanted to show her my grades, and get the car, but I can do all that later. I should be relaxing and kicking it out at home while there's still no one there and I can be a big slob.
And on that note, I think I will!
Sat, Dec 22/01 10:41pm
Ooooh! Yeah, last night turned out to be okay afterall! Once it finally got underway, that is. Basically, everyone bailed out on me except for Doug, and I've already told him how much I owe him now. I had a good night indeed. I suppose I should really spare the details, and for some reason I actually do feel like I should do that... so I'm going to. I'm just saying that it lived up to be more than I thought it would, and that I'll have some new spank-bank material for a while. And you know, I very much prefer actual interaction with Krista the Kingdom girl, rather than any other kind of faceless communication method. She made a very good impression on me last night (and not just on my body, where you can still see the outline in some places). Almost seems like the kind of girl who would stuff crayons up her nose and talk with her mouth full. She seems like she might be quite evil indeed... in the way I like, that is, because as we all know, all girls are inherently evil. It's just what *kind* of evil is the guessing game. But I guess we'll see if she decides to call me, I guess we'll see. If she calls Sunday, it's over, I got her. It'd take too long to relate the circumstances behind why, because that was a big long strange conversation itself. Which reminds me, I like her vioce too. What else, what else...?
Oh, as usual there was the parade of girls, some who gave me the repeated glance over and some who didn't. If I could score anywhere, it'd be there, but I'm just not a pick-em-up-n-fuck-em machine like Joel is. But last night there was one chick who was just bad bad news. I saw her when she first came in, and really, I saw too much of her. She was wearing this corset thing, and a pair of F size tits, one of which flew out of it's socket when she first tried to dance. Later I was dancing with one of my girls and she came over to me and gave me her hand to shake. And then... that was it. Smiled, gave me her hand, turned around, went away. I felt relieved. Last time something like that happened I was stuck with this... well, I don't want to remember *that* girl. So this time I quickly took the girls hands I was dancing with and put them on my body. It seemed to work. I don't know why it is the ugly girls are so forward with me, and the pretty ones are so shy and sly with me. Weird.
Doug did come with me, but wasn't a big fan. I didn't think he would be, but he was a really good sport and seemed to be happy to see me happy and free of frustations for a while. I was going to invite his live-in(live-in what, I don't know) Zoey too, but she wasn't around. She would have liked it more than he did, anyhow.
Not much else to report, really. I finally came to the conclusion of what to top off my present to my mom with. It makes perfect sense, and I don't know how I didn't think of it earlier. I hate gift certificates/coupons. My dad gave me one in exchange for finding him a present for Robin. So boom... I pass the buck! Ha, $25 in Walmart goods... there you go, mom! Net cost to me, zilch! I can totally gloss over such obvious things sometimes. I'll be heading back over to dad's soon. He came home all liquored up at 7:00 and made Robin order a couple of pizzas. Must be passed out in his drunk chair by now. Ha, and yeah... Friday when I got up around 11, he made me and him breakfast. Bacon and eggs. Mary was there too, but she made her own breakfast. Popped the top off a beer and poured it into a frosted mug, and drank it with a straw.
Fri, Dec 21/01 7:02pm
Alright, here we go.
So I'm at my moms. Been home since Thursday. It's been alright, it's been alright. Joel was being a dick when I hung out with him, even Doug said so. That's his way of showing he missed me though, so I guess it's okay. I just hope he gets over me soon.
Tonight's the night. Oh, it be Kingdom night. I, however, am having mixed feelings about it. I wished I had gone last weekend too, when I knew the Kingdom girls would be there. Why? Well, just so it could be a normal night, without any expectations of me, or anyone but my dumb friends wanting to be in my company. I mean, what's going to happen tonight? Am I going to get stuck dancing with them all night? I go there to get away from frustrations, not to add more to the fucking parade, you know? So I have no idea what's going to happen. I hope they get there late, or leave early, so I can really thrash about in my own special way... ON MY OWN. I think things were better when I just *thought* they were taking a special liking to me, rather than now *knowing* it. Do I have to try to talk to them? 10 minutes into that place and I can't hear a fucking thing at all. Maybe there'll be no words, just sweaty, guilt-free grinding and making out or something. Could I be so lucky? Fuck, you tell me! Hopefully I'll have my wits about me, be thinking fast, and be able to make the most of the night.
On other fronts, I think I'm about done my Christmas shopping. New optical mouse for mom, book and calendar for dad, cd and barbell for sister. I'd like to get more but A) I don't know WHAT TO and B) I don't have any money to. I lucked out with my dad giving me $200 to spend on myself for Christmas, or no one would be getting anything from me. I did manage to get a camera though, and a manual one like I wanted, which reminds me, I need to bring the test film I took a roll of in to be processed and make sure the damn thing works. It probably does, but it was used, so it's best to make sure before escaping away to the Great White North Bay with it. I've got big plans for this little mofo. Pick up some b&w film and pretend I'm an artist or something. I don't know, I just hope to get some good shots in there, and I think I will be able to... it really is a picturesque place. Of course, I feel the same way about Toronto, so hopefully I'll get an hour or so layover there when I board the bus back too.
I'm just waiting on some Wendys right now. Mom and Robin went to get groceries and then Wendys, and then I'll mow it down and head off into the night. So okay, checklist... I need to call Doug... call Ron... call Joel... Ken's out of town and said he might show at the Kingdom on his way back from work in TO... take in my film... put on shorts/makeup/horns... shit, what else? I know there's more, dammit. Haha, I was really eyeing packs of condoms earlier today when I went into this convenience store to pick up a drink. Kind of made me laugh to myself, because... well, because come on. 'Just in case', my ass. I couldn't get any tail if I had a coonskin cap and really big hands(don't worry, that makes sense to me). Oh, I wanted to wash my hair again, that's what it was. I'm looking really different lately. I couldn't shave for a stretch of days when I was doing the Christmas show at the Sanderson (don't get me started on THOSE fat fucking bastards right now!) and ended up looking kind of Grizzly Adams-y. Which is probably another reason why Heather, who was in the show, didn't cheat on her boyfriend to bone me. Not that I expected her to. But... and I swear I've written this already... the girl is 5'1", has some nice bouncing B cup boobs, and was eating like a shameless pig, drinking my beer, and sticking crayons up her nose at the show party. Man, did I ever have a bone for her. I still have her crayons too. And she does theatre, and has a boyfriend who she says looks like me, but is 'shy and quiet'. Bah! Why does no one believe that I'm shy and quiet too? Man, you should have seen that little girl eat. Had nachos and cheese ALL OVER her fucking face, it was GREAT! And she totally did the, "what... do I have something on my face?" kind of thing. Oh fuck... world, come to Brantford and take some lessons!! Fuck, that party was an entry of it's own. Armando was... well, more than a little affectionate, we'll say. He ended up with my black lipstick on his cheek... oh yeah, and his lips, too. That guy. Sometimes I love him, but a lot of the time he's irritating as hell, like in rehearsals. Oh well, at least I'm not directing him in Sears this year.
It's almost 7:30, where's the damn food?!
Wed, Dec 12/01 12:48am
If I ever think I'm getting too mature, I should just be reminded of tonight. I just spent the last 25 minutes with Hoover looking through Ebay for walkie talkies. We decided we need walkie talkies. See, this is how it came about. Earlier in the night, Hoover was at his computer playing Diablo, and I was in his doorway talking to him, but at the same time had some mad music playing in here and as well, making soup in here too. Well fuck, every single time, without fail, the second after I stepped out of his doorway, I'd hear him talking, saying something to me. But it sounded mumbled, I couldn't hear what he was saying. So fuck, I just went and sat in his room eventually, with my soup, having a musicless, but good time. Well, the idea came to us that it didn't have to be this way... all this standing in doorways, all this repeating of what was said over and over... that we should just get fucking walkie talkies!! We talked about how wicked it'd be... I believe it was Monday night when I dubbed us with the nicknames, 'Redman' and 'Method Man'. I believe I'm Method Man, but I can't remmeber. I probably am. But anyway, we thought it'd be fucking high-larious... "Redman to Method Man, Redman to Method Man, come in Method Man"... oh man! I guess you just had to be there, we're fucking goofs, we are. Eventually we found these great big fucking Star Wars ones, with Vader and Storm Trooper heads. Man, they're the fucking jet. We found a couple of pairs of them, and I dropped a couple of emails to see if the sellers would ship to Canada. If all goes well, we'll have those fucking walkie talkies and be living it up by the time we get back from Christmas break! Yeah, mothasuckas!!
Tues, Dec 11/01 4:20pm
Wow, I had a great day, despite my huge nightmare! Wrote two exams and a test, kicked some severe ass on all of them, especially psych. That isn't the big reasoning for my day though. Basically, it's Cute Little Jen and Icicle-eyes Steph who did it for me. They just make me laugh so! Especially Jen, aww. I look at her and just want to go, 'aww'... she's just so damn cute! And weird too. Maybe it's the drugs she does, I don't know, but she's just the fucking best. She even convinced me to stick around a day longer than I had planned, so I can go get loaded with the other corrections kids and say a big goodbye to Ray, since he won't be back next semester. On the bright side, however, I found out that Alana will be back. I was a little worried about that one. I gave Alana her little present today, and she gave me a hug, and then I wrote my COR101 exam and kicked more ass than... well, than is the norm in that class. Yeehaw, mothafuckas, yeehaw.
Naptime naptime, ya ya ya.
Tues, Dec 11/01 3:23am
Whoa man. I just had a fuck of a nightmare. Sweating and everything, I'm surprised there was no screaming. This is the first time in a long time a dream has fucked me up. Here's basically what happened:
I'm in my basement room, screwing (and trying to aid, and trying to change) this vampire chick who keeps trying to suck my blood, of course. Now, this was scary, but not what set me off. What sets me off is this: this glowing green crucifix comes gliding down the stairs and comes to a stop outside my door. I take it as a sign that something called 'Damien' is coming for me, and I fucking LOSE IT. I go crazy and out of control, screaming at the top of my lungs for someone, anyone to help me, help me, help me(!). Then all of a sudden I find myself talking to Gideon (the King), on what I think first is some overpass thing, and then I think is the unfinished room upstairs at my dad's house in Brantford. There's this Gob sticker on the ceiling, and he's looking up and saying, "G...O...(pause) dot com. Hmn..." And he makes me feel better, but feeling better at all still doesn't necessitate feeling good and/or normal.
That was my fucking dream. I woke up sweating like hell, fumbling like crazy for the desklight by my bed. Why was is so scary? Well, it combined a couple of irrational fears/things that make me uncomfortable. Crosses, as a rule tend to make me more than a little antsy. Especially when they're totally plain and bright, like this one was, or have the main man himself stretched out and suffering on it. There's my monster fear. There's attics and unfinished or falling apart rooms... those bug me too. When I was a kid, I used to have this notion that I was a reincarnated WWII German soldier who drowned himself, or just drowned, in a bathtub in a really run down, possibly bombed out room near the end of the war. But that's the only image of that 'life' I ever had. Kind of would explain my drowning fear too.
Now, some kind of analysis. Okay. Vampire girl I'm screwing/afraid of/trying to help/trying to change. Well, that's pretty obvious I guess. You can't dream of helping a vampire unless they change, figuratively speaking, which combines those last two things into one. A girl vampire. Well, that's not a far stretch for me... girls... I want to do 'em, I'm afraid of them... and they take a lot out of me. Dealing with/trying to help girls drains me. Simple enough. That much I knew. I should examine that 'trying to change' thing though. I don't know if that's such a great thing. It happens in my room *here* in North Bay, at first. So... this time of my life, I'd say. Presently. Okay, cool... check that. Now... the scariest part... that floating, glowing green cross. I think the cross is some kind of responsability thing. One of the first things I thought of what that could be was a big, scary, responsability. Why? Well, to me, religion is a lot of responsability. It's like life... you fuck one thing up, you don't get the reward... heaven. I'd say that's a big responsability, I don't know about you! But why neon green? Some sort of extra-perversion, maybe? And why do I associate it with this monster coming for me? It moves really smoothly... into my life, basically. This... monster of responsability? Hmn. Sounds like... 'pretty soon you're going to be too busy fucking around with some mental patient chick, and all these compounded problems you let go by previously are going to slip in out of nowhere and fuck you UP!'. Man, that sounds totally plausible. But there's more. All the screaming... no one coming to save me, and eventually I think I must have gotten myself out of there somehow. Up the stairs, I guess... that's the only way out of the basement... But wait, what about this 'Damien' name? Anti-Christ, sure, but it's also a guys name in my class! Does that have anything to do with anything? Hmn. So... no one come to help me. No surprise. That's often the case when I'm screaming my head off for help. Seems I get out of it myself again... but I'm still afraid. And in the dream I went to Gideon... or found myself with him anyhow, Gideon who I associate with righteousness and holiness and religion and God, basically. So... I go to the side of good, seeking help and answers. That's nothing new either, my standard drill, really. I try to solve my way out of things being as good and helpful as I can. And the answer I need is totally obvious(G...O...-.com, obviously he's trying to say 'God') but things around me try to make me think the answer lies somewhere else(Go'b' sticker), things try to distract me. Wow, I'm making some progress here! Okay, cool. The attic room. Well... the attic room is unfinished... and I can either finish up that fucking room and make it beautiful rather than scary, or I can leave it in pieces and be scared for the rest of my life. It's also the room I used to live in, that's all torn apart now at my dad's place, for remodeling, which in reality will never happen.
Whew.
Fuck, I just hope this isn't another one of my prophetic dreams, that's my main hope in all this!
I just noticed some of the lyrics in this new BR song, 'You Don't Belong'. 'Meyer (Mair) went to college but she knew about debt', 'Jack wore a skirt but he knew how to step'. Weird. But speaking of BR, if I manage to die tonight, against all odds, I want a couple things done. Firstly, I want the song 'Sorrow' played at my funeral. Actually, the whole thing should be BR themed, including other hits like 'You Don't Belong', and 'Don't Sell Me Short', most definitely. Hell, this whole new album is doing good things for me... I want that played.
Fuck, I can't WAIT to go home!! Or... can I? Fucking dream!
Mon, Dec 10/01 2:54pm
Well, my psych teacher threw a big wrench into the works today. I talked to him on Friday and asked if I could write his exam early, so I wouldn't have to Wednesday afternoon and make a fast getaway out of here, see... but he didn't put it in the testing centre! That's a severe case of the red-ass, that is. So now I'm looking through my stuff to see if I have a phone number or email address for him so I can see if he'll work it for me. Grr.
Sat, Dec 8/01 7:47pm
*THIS* is why I end up sleeping through most Friday nights and into Saturday mornings when I come back from school. The retards and their allies are in full force upstairs, yelling like it's doomsday. It won't be long before that and hunger drive me from this place and into the North Bay night. 'Everyone's got to be something, even stupid/garbage/loaded,' I guess.
Ehn, I'm listening to Matt Good, sue me. There's something about this guy and his band, I don't know. You could classify them in mainstream or alternative or whatever, but I don't know about that classification. They're just sort of... different than all of that garbage. Smarter, maybe. Maybe they've got a couple of punk souls between them, that could be it.
Mm, Wendys' is gonna be good!
Thurs, Dec 5/01 9:30pm
I'm BORED!
Thurs, Dec 5/01 3:46pm
Okay, so I still haven't listened to the album. I don't know if I can. I... I just want to save it until I have the cd case in my hands, maybe. I want the whole process of going to the mall, opening it up on a bench and reading through the liners, bringing it home, setting the scene. Kind of hard to capture that with downloaded mp3's in a folder on the computer.
On another note, I don't know how I survived today. Well okay, it wasn't that bad, but it was pretty messy. First of all, it was *cold*. The temperature itself was quite tolerable, but the wind was fucking unreal. It was SO hard to get out of bed too. The bus took forever, and was overpopulated with loud retards today. Got to school, Alana wasn't there... normally we sit in the caf for 20 minutes to a half hour in the morning. I wrote an exam I was rather unprepared for and did... well, it was a sub-par job for me, anyhow. I may stick a 75-80% on that exam, partially because of how much the teacher likes me. It's strange that I'm starting to care about marks again... I never really bothered with them in high school. University either, even. But yeah... a not so great exam. Once it was over though, things went a little better. Cute Little Gymnast Jen was there to write the exam, of course, and it was good to see her again. She has a very positive effect on me:
Not many people have actually been known to make me 'giggle', but she does it with some consistency. Not because she's overly funny or anything... it's just that her laugh is very infectious.
So anyhow, her and I and Stephanie with the Icicle Eyes went on an adventure to the mall for something to eat and some light shopping. Things were going fairly well. Certain combinations of people are known to act positively on me, after all. Jen and Steph, Mair and Andre, Troy and Justin, etc. Mair and Retard James is a funny one too... man, she's so cruel! But anyway, mall. So we're wandering around a little bit, and all of a sudden poof... there's Bus Girl at the same store we're in. Skirt, fishnets, black n' purple hair, faux fur coat, leather choker, yum. It was really weird... we saw each other at almost the exact same time, and she had been laughing, real throw-your-head-back laughing, and then she saw me and became completely... I don't know, maybe 'sober' is the word. 'Sober' or 'serious'. And we played more eye tag. Not only that, Jen informed me that this other guy she was with was checking me out too... in the homosexual way. Madness.
But see, that didn't help me. Quite the opposite, really. All of a sudden I was panic striken, it was really bad news. We saw each other a bunch more times too, in different spots around the mall. Eventually I got kind of pissed off. I mean... what the fuck do I have to do, you know? Do I have to initiate fucking EVERYTHING? I really don't approve of that idea.
So that went on for a while, and we went back to school. Well, Jen and I did. I had to do a presentation about terrorism. For some reason, I was really nervous doing that too. Altogether, I ended up sweating way too much today, it was nice to get in the shower, and now it's really nice to be off my feet. Alana was on the bus with me on the way to the terminal, and that was good. As well, while waiting for the bus she asked me if I wanted to 'smoke a bowl' with her. That was nice of her, I thought. It probably means something too... she chooses things very carefully. Last week she asked if I wanted to go on this downtown Christmas walk thing they have here with her and her boyfriend, and I think some other friends too. I didn't partake in either, I'm saving my wastedness for Matt and the walk thing... well, it felt to me like it might end up in discomfort on my end. Probably after the break when I come back, if she offers again, I'll light one up with her though. But anyhow, we talked a little about my terrifying fear of EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE and *ESPECIALLY* GIRLS. She didn't think it was too unusual, which was very nice and very refreshing. Actually, Jen sort of has the same thing going too. She just doesn't like lots of people in one place though. Regardless, I'm glad the bulk of my day is over, it's been fucking surreal in some points.
I bought a 'Maximum Meat' pizza from Sobeys for wrestling tonight. I told Hoover that I wanted that to be my new nickname, 'Max Meat'. See, it's funny because I have a small cock, see.
I think before I leave for Christmas I might get Alana one of those tiny bottles of whisky and a tiny card that says, "Have a merry Christmas or I'll KILL YOU." Have I mentioned that already? It feels like I have. Hmn. Ehn, time for a nap.
Wed, Dec 5/01 10:13pm
Enough with the fucking Christmas commercials. I'm fucking sick of them already.
I've managed to download the entire new BR album. Haven't listened to it yet, I'm too nervous/excited. Fuck, I wished that made sense!
'...And Billy had a yearning in the corner of his mind, yeah...' Man, do I ever fucking dig that song lately.
Fuck it, I can't wait, I'm listening to the album tonight after Law and Order! Yeah!
Tues, Dec 4/01 7:22pm
I'm crying. My God, I'm fucking crying, I'm just so fucking happy!
With everything that's been going wrong lately, with everything that I've been messing up on, screwing up, and basically burning to the ground... I just...
The new Bad Religion album is coming out Jan. 22nd. I guess it may sound stupid and trivial. A band, big whoop. But... this band has always been the icon of everything good and great in the world to me. This band has helped me survive through my darkest of nights and most hated of days. Without them, I may well not have still been here after all this time. I may have ended up dead or destroyed, unrecognizable.
And now... they're the calm in my storm once again. They're back... their old guitarist and songwriter is back... and that makes me think that maybe I can come back too.
It's been a very tumultuous time for me, I'll say again. Things are fucking up, people have been leaving me at an accelerated pace this year and I can't ever replace them. That's probably no one's fault but my own, I completely realize that, and I can take responsibility for that. It's left me with a lot of misery that I haven't been able to admit for myself...
but when I saw how soon the new album was coming out, it all rushed to the front and broke me down a little.
And it's given me hope, as only Bad Religion can.
All I know is, I hope there's something out there for all of you that can take it all away like that assemblage of men can for me. I really really do, each and every one of you, because there's not one person I can imagine who doesn't deserve an escape and a way out of a world that treats people as harshly as this one can.
I'd say God bless Bad Religion... but that's kind of... well, I don't think I have to explain that one. Hopefully they'll just be content with my undying gratitude on all matters of the heart, mind, and soul.
And maybe this time... maybe with this album, I'll actually get the guts to write them a letter and tell them all of this myself. Here's hoping.
Sun, Dec 2/01 3:23am
People I miss right now:
-my dog.
-my Megan.
-my Taco Bell Girl.
-Desmond.
It'd be nice to be on a big midnight picnic with the first three right now, and go hit the club with Matt. Mmmmmm.
"How many times am I going to have to come in here before you ask me out?"... hahaha, that poor girl... I'm such a goof sometimes. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... I love it.
And Megan baby, you know I loves ya. Hope you're up and about and having a great time for once. One day your misery will be over, babe.
Desmond... fuck man. Just fuck. I'm bringing Blades of Steel and it's going to be MAYHEM.
And Smokey... well fuck. I miss you so much, and I love you so much, and you'll always be one of my best and earliest influences. Just act like a dog, and things will turn out okay for me, because dogs are the fucking best. Nobody treats you better than your dog.
Sun, Dec 2/01 1:12am
Kind of scary that December is here. Another year... *poof*. But that's not why I came on to write this time. It may come back, before I leave, but ehn.
Fucking projects, that's my beef at the moment. Two things due Monday... one, an assignment of a collection of news articles relating to the field of corrections. And what do I have to do with them? It's pretty fucking grade 3, but it just takes a while to do, which is irritating... I have to cut them out, write a summary of them, and tell how they relate to corrections. Ugh. That, however, gives way to my COR105 project, the presentation on terrorism that we have to do on Monday. The one I thought wasn't due until Thursday. So now Mair and I will be scrambling to do everything up tomorrow, probably not have time to do it on powerpoint, and basically be really sick of stuff come Tuesday. I expect to be drinking at the end of this coming week. There's that junk, and a final on... Thursday, I think. Maybe that's where my lines were crossed. And what else? Oh yeah, some time I have to write a psych test, in order to make up for the last one that I bombed. I guess it doesn't sound like much, and really, it isn't that much, but it's overwhelming when you have periods of extreme nothingness, and then these things all come upon you in a week. Like I say... come Friday? Massive drinking. And now that the liquor store in the plaza just a little down the road is open... mwa ha ha... happy days will be here to stay. Until the next week, anyhow... the real exam week. I only have 3 days of exams that week though, and expect to be going home Wednesday afternoon/night. How? Oh, I'm going back with fucking SHANE.
If I've never mentioned Shane before, well, that's a good thing. Shane's a guy from back home, who even here in North Bay, absolutely no one has come to like, and has been ostracized more than I could be in my wildest dreams. He makes me seem polite, pleasant, and personable. It's not that he's mean or anything... just... really really irritating. And touchy. He likes to touch people, and people don't seem to like that. And I get to spend 5-6 hours in a car with him next Wednesday. Oh well... I probably deserve it for something or other. And if not, well, karma will get back to me on that one somehow, I'm sure.
Ahh. And John takes some time out to relax. Mmmm. You know, all it takes sometimes is some great tunes, and a little pointless banter with yourself or others. Some ridiculousness. Not a lot, but some. Easy does it daddy, easy does it! Put it all together, and then... and thennnn...
Yeah baby, fucking yeah!