Review by: Zulu, Queen of the Nile (continued)
Emotional Impact: You certainly produced an emotional response in me. That sex scene made me really uncomfortable. And, since it was an out-of-character, drug-induced sex scene, you may take that as a compliment. You've succeeded in showing how they wouldn't ordinarily do that, but the water made them! Okay, sorry for that last bit, but remember, sex scenes aren't my thing.
Elsewhere in the story, Scully's anxiety over Mulder being shot was well done. I especially liked her frustration in the car, and Mulder coming out and being sensitive. This is pretty well characterized, and very emotional without being soap opera-y.
There were a few moments when the emotions didn't gibe. When Mulder's explaining the case to Scully, she almost cries at the sight of Mady. I didn't believe it. Also, only a line later, she's snickering over the strikers' demands. I thought, This is not Scully.
I'd like to see more of Mulder's emotions. I don't remember whether he showed any, but anyway, I'd like to see more.
Keith's emotions at the beginning, and Mike's during his phone call home, were the best emotional writing. Definitely work more on including secondary characters' emotions in your scenes: you do it so well, I'd like to see more.
Technicalities: There were several problems with grammar and such. First, since I copied&pasted this onto a disk so that I could read it at home, I figured, hey, why not spell check it. Tsk, tsk, xena.scully: there were many spelling mistakes. It's courteous to spell check before posting, it helps us read.
You had a few split infinitives, eg "she immediately left". This is awkward. It's supposed to be "she left immediately". There were a lot of run-on sentences, usually because you put both dialogue and internal monologue into a single sentence. These are difficulties I'm sure you could fix if you revised the manuscript; in fact, you've probably already revised it, but you can't fix the post. I understand. Just something to think about for next time.
Overall: I am really enjoying this story. The plot is tense, the action rising, the mystery is half-resolved�Can't wait to read some more! A few small side notes that could be part of the story later on: What does Skinner's friend have to do with any of this? And why did that counselling session take place in an audotorium? How many friends does Mady have? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to counsel a small group in a more private locale?
Your strengths of characterization and plot truly shine in this story. The internal monologue and dialogue work very well. The scenes and characters are all clear. Things to work on include pov switches and technicalities like grammar. Otherwise, keep up the great work! I love being your writing disciple. Go xena.scully! Yay!
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