Author: xena.scully
Reviewed by: Zulu, Queen of the Nile
As a mark of my esteem, I have written a full critique for you. I've never fully critiqued a story on this board before because it's a long, harrowing journey of discovery for both the author and the reader. I delve into all those pesky unanswered questions, pov switches, and grammatical errors. I hope you understand that I am not bashing you (whom I admire) nor the story (which I love). That said, on to the critique!
Beginnings: Well done! Very X-filean, with the teaser-like opening. Given the nature of the story, you very ably introduce a conflict and character. There is definite resonance with the X-Files: mysterious, in that the guy himself doesn't know what's going on. The initial scene with Mulder and Scully establishes the setting, too. Question: what is Mulder worried that Scully will ask when she says, "So answer me this"? His attitude in the office is a bit confusing, but maybe I missed something? Otherwise, everyone was well characterized. I especially liked "like a boy with a treasure map�" Fits Mulder exactly!
Characters: Definitely there is conflict between the characters. You've drawn the highschoolers very well; I believe in them. Russell looks like he'll be making further appearances. He makes a good alternate pov character. You don't paint Mady as a very sympathetic character, which on one hand, kind of threw me; but on the other hand, it deepens the mystery, especially as Mike becomes more sympathetic as the story progresses.
The characters aren't especially diverse, but then, they don't have to be. Mostly these are just archetypes that fill the void solely in order to get information to our dynamic duo. I'd like to see more development of Mike's mom: why'd she leave his dad? Does she know what's going on? I think she could be a stronger character if she knows something, but isn't telling: especially in that phone call with Mike. However, because I haven't read the whole thing, it's possible that the story's going in a different direction and that she works well as an ignorant pawn.
Mike himself plays his role well; you've drawn him very clearly. I can just see that scrawny kid huddled in the interrogation room. Love it. Probably the best character: he's memorable, sympathetic, believable, etc. I really like the way you've done him.
For the most part, although you have many characters, they appear often enough so that I don't forget them. They're memorable enough for your purposes. You've done well to focus on only a few: Russell, Mike, the sheriff, M&S. There are a few extraneous characters that you could do without: eg, Mr Smith and the receptionist, Thomas and Russell, are examples of pairs of characters who are essentially the same. You could meld them together and not lose anything.
I found Mulder and Scully to be well characterized for the most part; definitely during the investigation. Now, you insisted that the sex scene was integral to the plot, so I plowed my way through it. It's here, during sex, that I found the characterizations a little off. I realize they're acting differently due to the water, but still, certain things bugged me. Mainly, it was the dialogue, e.g. "Fuck me, Mulder" and "Oh, god, I need to touch you, Scully," were particularly glaring. It's possible that that's just me. I've said before, and I'll say it again, I don't like reading sex scenes between M&S.
However, the second sex scene (if I may call it that) the morning after, I thought was well done. They're joking around, not as serious, and I really liked it. The phone call from Skinner and the double entendres were funny. The towel, the shirt, etc. was great.
Overall, a good job with characterization.
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