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| Scripts |
| Pick up Sticks, New York Knicks, It's the Script to Episode III and Five Sixths by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper With his depressed master, Obi-Wan Kenobi on the run as a fugitive of justice, Darth Visor decides to spend some quality time with his son, Luke. It is take-your-dad-to-school day in little Luke's kindergarten class. Fathers of the students explain their professions to the young toddlers. Teacher Okay, Jimmy. Your dad is next. What does he do for a job? Jimmy My dad is a security officer for Chancellor Palpatine. (Whole class) Oooooooo. Wizard! Jimmy's dad No, I'm not a Wizard. Jimmy Wizard is an expression, stupid daddy. Jimmy's dad Oh. Well, yes, I am a security officer for Chancellor Palpatine. Teacher So tell us what it is like to work for the Chancellor. Jimmy's dad Well... he's... weird. Darth Visor How dare you insult my master! Jimmy's dad What?... Huh? Darth Visor Uh... never mind. Teacher Please wait your turn, Mr. Visor Darth Visor Sorry, Miss Krimer Miss Krimer Please continue, Mr. Pants Mr. Pants Well... chancellor Pal.... Luke Your last name is Pants?! Mr. Pants Yes... anyway, I am a security officer and I protect the Chancellor from any attacks. He gets a lot of attacks. Luke So, you are Officer Pants? Mr. Pants Well, yes, that's what they call me. Jimmy My name is Jimmy Pants! Mr. Pants Yes, that's because you are my son. Miss Krimer Thank you for sharing with us, Officer Pants. Who's next? Mr. Pants But... I never got to say anything! Miss Krimer I'm sorry, Officer Pants. Mr. Visor, would you like to go next? Darth Visor Yes. Miss Krimer Luke, what does your daddy do? Luke He... kills people. (Whole class) Ooooooo, Wizard! Darth Visor Yes, I also work for Emper.... Chancellor Palpatine. Miss Krimer You kill people for him? Darth Visor Yes, Jedies mostly. Miss Krimer Benny's dad is a Jedi. Right, Benny? Benny Yeah! Benny's dad Um... Darth Visor Oh, then I can show all of you what I do for work. This is called a lightsaber. Miss Krimer Mr. Visor, why don't you pass it around the class so everyone can see. Darth Visor Okay. Students start passing around the lightsaber Darth Visor Press the red button to ignite it. Luke I'll show them. Luke ignites the lightsaber Luke My daddy's gonna kill your daddy, Benny. Benny No he's not! My daddy's better! Benny's dad Um.... Darth Visor Luke, give me back my lightsaber. I'll prove to Benny that I'm better than his dad. Miss Krimer Class, we are about to see Mr. Visor do his job. It's called professionalism. Can you say that? (Whole class) "Professionalism" Miss Krimer Very Good, class. Please continue, Mr. Visor. The class will be thrilled to see this. Benny's dad Um... Darth Visor slices Benny's dad in half. (Whole class except Benny) Oooooooo. Wizard! Benny That was my daddy! Why'd you do that?! Darth Visor You told me he was a Jedi! Benny I was lying! I only wanted to make my dad look cool! Miss Krimer Benny, now you see what happens when you lie? Benny Yes, Miss Krimer. I won't do it again. Miss Krimer Just to make sure, I'm going to send you to time out. Benny Yes, Miss Krimer. I deserve it. Miss Krimer Does the class have any questions for Mr. Visor? Jimmy Why do you wear all that stupid armor? Darth Visor Well... my old master, Obi-Wan Kenobi told me a lava pit was orange soda. Jimmy You're an idiot if you believed him. Darth Visor Well... I... Jimmy Why do you make all of those breathing noises. Darth Visor Well, my lungs... Jimmy Who was Luke's mommy? Darth Visor She was... Jimmy Visor Where do babies come from? Darth Visor Um... I... well... Jimmy How come you kill people? Darth Visor My master says... Jimmy Why is your name Darth Visor? Darth Visor Well... a long time ago... Jimmy That's a stupid story! Darth Visor But I didn't even... Jimmy Change your name! I hate Darth Visor! Darth Visor *Sniff* What's wrong with my name? Jimmy It's stupid! Change it to Darth Vader! Darth Visor Darth Vader? Jimmy Yeah! Darth Visor Fine! I can't believe I'm getting pushed around by a little toddler! I'll change my name to Darth Vader if you just leave me alone. Jimmy Okay... my daddy's better than you. Mr. Pants Oh Jimmy, why'd you have to go and say that. That's how Benny's dad died and now I'm gonna die just because of what you just said. Thanks a lot! And I'm being sarcastic. Miss Krimer Class, it's a new word. Can everyone say "Sarcastic?" (Whole Class) "Sarcastic." Darth Vader No... Jimmy is right. Jimmy I told you! Ha ha, Luke, my daddy's better! Darth Vader Little Jimmy has helped me realize what a failure I have been as a father. I can't support a child. I'm a murderer and I work for the most evil man in the galaxy. This is no place to raise a child. No place at all. Dorothy No place like home. Miss Krimer Shut up, Dorothy! Darth Vader No! Dorothy is right! That reminds me of a song... Somewhere, over the rainbow... Way up high.... Luke Daddy, you're embarrassing me very much. Darth Vader There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby... Luke Daddy, stop it! Darth Vader Somewhere over the rainbow...skies are blue... Luke Ahhhhh!!!!! Darth Vader And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true Luke runs and jumps out the window. Darth Vader Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me... Miss Krimer Um, Mr. Visor... Darth Vader It's Vader! Why are you interrupting me, fool?! Miss Krimer Your son just jumped out the window and fell into an abyss. Darth Vader Happens all the time. He'll get picked up by some moisture farmer named Owen and he'll live on Tatooine 'til he's 18, give or take. Miss Krimer How did you know that? Darth Vader I see into the future. Jimmy Tell me, Mr. Vader, what will become of my dad? Darth Vader Well.... he's gonna move on to become one of the Emperor's royal guards. (Whole class) Oooooo, Wizard. Mr. Pants Oh, well... thank you. That is very.... wizard. Darth Vader Yes, to keep ultimate secrecy, the Emperor will send an assassin to destroy Mr. Pant's entire family and anyone else who knows he exists. We have to take precautions, you understand. Mr. Pants Oh... sorry Jimmy. Jimmy That's okay. Miss Krimer Who's next? Timmy's dad? Timmy, what does your dad do? Timmy Timmay! THE END |
| Recording of Script 6 |
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| Voices: HRT: Luke MG: Miss Krimer J-Rodd: Narrator Dorothy Darth Visor Jimmy Timmy Benny Mr. Pants Benny's dad Sound Effects |
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