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| Scripts |
| Pay Your Tithe to the Sith, It's the Script to Episode III and Four Fifths by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper After sulking miserably for nine hours inside the Crazy Eight Motel, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi roams the walkways of Coruscant, carrying the dead body of his once-almost-fianc�e, Padm�. He then spots Senator Bail Organa of Alderaan, who is dragging along two toddlers. Obi-wan (to himself) Oh no! That's Bail Organa! Padm� was his friend! I can't let him se her like this. I better throw her in this alley. Obi-wan tosses Padm�'s body into the alley just as the senator spots him and walks towards him Bail You! You're Obi-wan Kenobi! Everyone thought you were dead! Obi-wan Ha! I wish! No, I'm experiencing something far worse than death right now. Bail I'm so sorry to here about Anakin's death. These are his children, Luke and Leia. Luke Hi, mister Wan-ton. Obi-wan It's Obi-wan. Luke What's Obi-wan? Obi-wan I'm Obi-wan! Luke No, you're Wan-ton. Obi-wan Don't do this to me! I hate you! Luke The feeling is mutual. Leia Yeah, mutual. Bail They are very good at learning big words. Obi-wan Yeah, but I bet I'm smarter than them. Bail Are you okay, Obi-wan? Most people aren't rude to little toddlers. Obi-wan I've had a bad day. Leia Wan-ton said the b-word! Obi-wan What?! No I didn't! Bail You shouldn't swear in front of the children. Obi-wan, I think you need to learn some manners. Obi-wan But I didn't swear! Were you even listening to me?! All I said was I was having a bad day! Leia He said it again! Bail Watch your tongue, young man! Obi-wan What?! "Bad?!" Bad isn't a swear! Luke Mister Bail! I don't like this Wan-ton! He scares me! Wahhhhh! Tell him to stop swearing! Bail This is so unlike you, Obi-wan.... Oh my God! Bail stares into the alley. Obi-wan What? Bail There's a dead body in there! Luke Cool! Let's see who it is! Bail Yippy! That's a good idea! Obi-wan No! She's not dead! She's taking a nap! Bail, Luke, and Leia examine the body. Leia It's Mommy! Hi, mommy! Wake up! Obi-wan Uh... She's really tired. Bail C'mon Padm�, wake up. Your children are here... Padm�? Obi-wan It wasn't me! It was a top! Bail A top? Obi-wan Yes, a top. Bail You were at the beach? Obi-wan The beach? I'm sorry, I don't follow. Bail A top to a swimsuit? Obi-wan No! A lizard top! Bail A lizard on the beach, wearing a top? Obi-wan Whoops! Did I say lizard top? No, I meant a top that belonged to a lizard. Bail It must have been very uncomfortable. They don't design those things for humans. Obi-wan No! A toy top! Leia Like on my doll? She has a top! Her name is Stupid. Luke I named her. Obi-wan No, no, no! A spinning top! Bail I've never seen a top that could spin. Very interesting. Obi-wan Is it just me, or is every single person I talk to a complete idiot! It was a little spinning toy top that belonged to a lizard! Bail And it killed her? Obi-wan Yes! Bail Well, they should put warning labels on such dangerous articles of clothing. Did it strangle her? Obi-wan Look, it wasn't a swimsuit top! I can't believe you haven't figured this out by now! Uh... Luke, you have a toy top, right? Luke No, Stupid has one. Obi-wan I'm never going to reach you, am I? Bail I'm sure you could reach me. I'm only a few centimeters taller than you. Obi-wan No! You are the leader of Alderaan?! You don't know what a top is! You don't understand the expression "reach you!" How can someone possibly be so bad at logic!? Leia Wahhhhh! He sweared again. Bail Obi-wan! Obi-wan Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! Bad! Ahhhhh! Luke I'm running away! Luke runs away and falls off the walkway accidentally. Bail No! Padm� will kill me if she finds out I let her son fall off a walkway into an endless abyss! Obi-wan Padm� will kill you? Padm� will kill you?! Hello, smell the roses, smarty, Padm� is a corps! Bail You only care about Padm�. Whenever you talk, it's always "Padm� this" and "Padm� that." Get a life, Obi-wan! You don't even care that her son just died! Obi-wan Well you don't seem to care that Padm� is dead! You found out a few minutes ago and you've only been talking about tops! Bail There's nothing wrong with tops! Obi-wan Stop it! Just stop it! I'm gonna give Padm� a funeral. Take care of her daughter for the rest of your life. Bail Will do! See ya, Obi-wan! Obi-wan picks up the dead body and starts walking away. During the walk, he bumps into Darth Visor. Darth Visor Don't bump into me. Obi-wan Ohh, not you again! Look I don't have time to give you fashion advice! I'm sorry! Darth Visor I didn't come to you just for fashion advice... although, that would be nice... but I came because I found this little boy. He's my son, isn't he? Obi-wan Yes... he must of gotten really smashed up after falling into that abyss. Darth Visor No, he's okay. I put him to bed in my apartment. I'm going to take care of him from now on. I even signed him up for kindergarten. I also just taught him how to play Sabacc and how to spit 30 meters into the air. Obi-wan He fell off the walkway like, five minutes ago. Darth Visor I know. We became buddies really fast. Obi-wan Yeah, whatever. I don't really have time to talk right now. Darth Visor Hey, who's the dead chick? Obi-wan Uh... that's not a dead chick.... it's my puppet. Darth Visor Neat? Can I try using it?! I've always been good with puppets. Obi-wan Uh... it's broken. In fact, I was just going to the repair shop to fix it. I mean, where else do they have puppet tools? Darth Visor Why Obi-wan, this is your lucky day. I just happen to be carrying a puppet repair kit on my belt. Obi-wan That's really not necessary.... uh, please don't... no! Darth Visor grabs the body, drops it on the ground and takes out his puppet repair kit. Darth Visor Now, wear is it broken... hey... I know this puppet. Obi-wan Look, Anakin, it wasn't my fault... Darth Visor Amazing! It looks exactly like Padm�! Good job, Obi-wan! Obi-wan Oh.... uh, yeah I did my best. Darth Visor Hmmm... yes, I see the puppet is broken at the neck. Obi-wan Yep... Darth Visor I'll just cut it open with my special puppet knife and..... Blood Spurts out everywhere, Obi-wan Heh heh... yeah, I tried to make it very realistic. Darth Visor I see. Just give me a few seconds and I'll fix her right up.... Darth Visor carefully operates on the neck. Darth Visor There. Padm� Where... where am I? Obi-wan Anakin! How'd you do that!? She's alive. Darth Visor Yep, just like Pinocchio. Padm� Obi-wan? Obi-wan But she's not a puppet! She's real! Darth Visor That's exactly what Geppetto said. It's a real boy. Obi-wan I'm going to ignore your stupidity for the moment so I can embrace my fianc�e. Obi-wan hugs Padm�. Darth Visor You're going to marry a puppet? I can't allow that. It's illegal. Obi-wan You're not a cop, Anakin. Darth Visor Actually, there's a new rule called the Empire. I'm a Sith Lord and I have to uphold the law. I must destroy this puppet. Obi-wan Anakin! No! That's really Padm�! Padm� What's going on, Obi-wan? Darth Visor ignites a red lightsaber and slices Padm� in half. Obi-wan Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!! Darth Visor That was for your own good. Obi-wan I hate you! You just gave me a reason to live again and you destroyed it a second later! Don't torment my mind! You're evil! You're.... bad! Darth Visor *Gasp* You called me the b-word! I... I... *Sniff* You just really hurt my feelings. Obi-wan I hurt your feelings?! YOUR feelings?! You! You! First, we go target practicing and you shoot me! Then you steel Padm�, marry her, have kids, and then leave her! Then you kill all of the Jedi, who just happened to be my friends. Then you jab a lightsaber through my stomach. Then you continuously make fun of my ponytail. Then you come here and bring my fianc�e back to life and immediately kill her! I think YOU shouldn't be talking about hurt feelings. Darth Visor Gee... I.... I..... hmmm.... Sucks to be you! Obi-wan Yeah, it does. It truly does. THE END |
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| Voices: HRT: Obi-Wan MG: Leia J-Rodd: Narrator Luke Padme Bail Darth Visor Sound Effects |
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| Recording of Script 5 |